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Alright boys, girls, and those who have both a bonker and bunker because it’s story time with IBBB. Pull up your nap mats and don’t fondle your neighbor because we’re about to discuss all the wonder that is RHOC (pronounced “Ahh-Hawk”).
This time around Vicki is so busy woo-hoo’ing that she barely has time to figure out the fact that she is completely renovating her entire house because she’s afraid to make her one major house change; removing Don. Therefore, Vicki must think that by putting down new floors and a new kitchen she will solve the emptiness that is her marriage. It’s a sad day in Whoville, but I think Vicki is making a great decision because she deserves to be happy. More importantly, I don’t care. I say let’s just fast forward to the divorce so we can all turn red from secondhand embarrassment when Vicki starts to date and tries to be “sexy on camera.” Oh, and we’ll get to Tamra’s bathtub scene in a few.
In unrelated news, you know who has major gums? Vanna White. Who knew?
Meanwhile, Gretchen, Alexis, Peggy and Peggy’s post op vag all head out for a day of buying shoes and trying to pretend that their hair isn’t too long and muppet-like for their age. You know who’s balls must be sweating whilst trying on shoes? Peg’s. These chicks are all talking about how they like to put on sexy shoes for their husbands and wear nothing else. In fact, Alexis even talks about (puke) tying up her husband (burp) with silk scarves and (vomit) going at it. Just like it says in the Bible! I’m not entirely sure her husband will be fully into this. Plus you totally know her husband needs one hand free so he can surf kiddie porn websites while Alexis gives him some wonky eye oral pleasure. And also, Peg needs to cut the sh*t and cut it right now. She’s 1 inch away from tucking her hair into her granny panties and turning into a feces Medusa. You know what I mean. Plus, she can stop bragging about wearing high heels for her husband. We all know it’s so she can get her penis closer to his mouth without having to bend. For those of you keeping track at home, we’re up to about 4 penis jokes and I have no intentions of ever slowing down.
So what else? Ah yes, Gretchen and Slade are heading out to Palm Springs because, I mean, why the hell not. If they’re going to take a trip they might as well pack their ridiculous bikes. Gretchen’s has a red basket on it like she’s f’n 4 years old and Slade’s cost about $700 but looks like an exact replica of the one Jan Brady used to crash into the fence in the backyard on the regular. I hope Slade rides it up the highway and just sees what happens. And what’s up with Gretchen being crazy and calling Slade “chubba-wubba?” I actually got embarrassed typing that. Slade is, for sure, the big b*tch in this relationship. It’s quite possible that Peg is letting Gretch borrow her ding-a-ling.
Everyone seems to be going away in this episode, but Alexis and her husband seem to take the cake. Let’s just go on record stating that Bravo is basically going to edit every single episode to make it seem like Alexis’ husband hits her with a closed fist all season. Alexis is losing her mind because she’s forced to pack all the bags for the family trip (10 minutes away) to San Diego and she had to plan everything. Yeah, that’s called “being a mom.” And you have a nanny so this gives you plenty of extra time to call the cops and report your husband as a possible Level III. Just a guess. After packing up two cars with 10 pieces of luggage, they are all ready to head on their trip with Nanny to boot. Ruh-roh, they forgot the Nanny’s 1 and only bag. Basically she”ll be forced to wear her beat up football t-shirt and one filthy banana clip unless someone comes and delivers her bag…that is probably filled with more dirty football t-shirts and banana clips. Eh, at least it’ll be a new rotation.
We learn that Alexis’ husband loves the children, but can basically only take them for 2-3 hours a day. That’s nice. And I think that Alexis is fine with it too because she says the Bible says that the husband is the boss. I wonder what it’s like being Alexis and, you know, living all the way back there in 25 B.C.? Can she point out the part in the Bible that discusses getting surgically enhanced rocket knockers and stripper hair? Oh, and selling your soul on reality television? Is that in Genesis? I’m not great with the Bible so I may be mistaken. Although, her husband does take care of her really well and by “taking care of her” I, of course, mean “buys himself 2 watches for $27,000.” Douche. More importantly, what did the kids get? You know, besides used lip gloss.
Back on Planet Amazon, Peg has her mother in law come over to somehow give her a test to see how she’s aging. I have no clue. Apparently her mother-in-law just got some crazy apple stem cells from Sweden jacked all over her face, like a pig. Next thing you know she’s making Peg take a piss in a cup so she can see if her cells are dying. After Peg takes a leak in the cup (presumably standing up) we learn that Peg is aging but lucky for her the mother-in-law as some gold glitter Buddy Band that can hook up to her computer and make Peg young again. Is she for real with this sh*t? I’m pretty sure this is the same way they made Vicky the Robot on Small Wonder. I can’t even imagine living like these people.
Finally, in the end, we are all honored to meet Tamra’s new boyfriend, Eddie. I like when grown men keep their childhood nickname. Eddie. As expected he’s dressed almost head to toe in Ed Hardy-type clothes that are all too small for him. And he stares at her like he’s a rapist on the loose. Their dinner with that random friend was so creepy since they kept making out at the table. As if things couldn’t get worse, Tamra decides to go back to Eddie’s house and set up a “sexy scene” in his bathroom by lighting candles around the tub, Aquanetting her fried bangs back to her scalp exposing her larger than life forehead, and then getting naughty nakey-nude-nude in the tub. Oh, and did I mention that she did this with a camera crew present? Trash box. She tries to lure Eddie into the bathroom and, to his surprise, she’s laying in the tub naked (probably leaving a ring around it) and I am terribly embarrassed for her, for me, and for all of “the America.” Next thing you know Eddie is taking it all off to get in the tub with Tamra. I’m not sure who had larger breasts, Tamra or Eddie. Honestly, if I was the camera guy I would have been like, “Cut. Excuse me. You’re a pig. Put some clothes on and start acting like you’re a mother of 3.” I’m sure her kids are going to be psyched when they see mommy getting it in with some other dude who isn’t daddy…on camera I was just waiting for Vicki to smash her head through the bathroom window and yell “Woo hoo!”
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