Real Housewives of Orange County: Lynne’s Drunk Tears and High Pitched Squeaks

lynne-curtin-face-real-housewives-orange-county

Did other things happen in last nights crapisode of Real Housewives of Orange County besides Lynne’s drunken meltdown?  Sure.  Are we going to go into detail about those things?  Nope.

If you missed the episode let me catch you up.  Stuff happened.  Caught up?  Good.  The most important part of the show was the last 9 – 10 minutes (or 9 – 10 minutes, for those of you reading this in England).  Whilst at a pointless cooking party at Alexis’ house, Lynne tossed on a chef hat and threw back some champagne.  Hey, every day is a celebration when you have a new store-bought face!

Was it just me or did everyone at the cooking party of horror seem like a sweaty mess?  Lynne’s poor face looked like it was actually melting and for some reason her hair looked like she had a comb-over.  It looked like it was burnt and smelled like a mix of AquaNet, cigarettes, and a pile of Lynne’s leather cuffs that were left out in the sun too long.  Just me?  Moving on.  Lynne was already on edge from earlier in the episode when her daughter Alexa (the only voice of reason in the family who doesn’t seem to be constantly high) confronted Lynne about her craptastic parenting, or lack thereof, and then accused her mom of only using her to promote her damn cuffs, which she then took off and threw on the table.  Sidenote, Lynne was more upset that her cuffs may be damaged than Alexa having a psychiatric meltdown in the middle of the food-court of the mall.  Anyway.

Once Lynne knocked back a few glasses of wine and made the obligatory “hung like a horse” joke about her husband, the girls all settled in to a nice dysfunctional family dinner.  All was going well until Gretchen brought up the situation with Alexa, which I believe has been talked about in the past 5 episodes.  We get it, she’s unhappy and hates her family.  She’s 16.  What else is new?!

Lynne, to me, seems like she’s about 15 sheets to the wind.  She starts off the confrontation slow and somewhat controlled, while also slurring everything she’s saying. When talking about Alexa she says, and I quote, “Alexa has a tend-en-cy (hiccup) to over dram-matic-tize things.”  Brilliant.  Lynne also slurs and tries to explain to everyone that unless you have a child you don’t know.  Unless you have…you can’t say.  Yeah, Lynne, we get it.  Sort of.  You’ve been saying it 100 times in a row.  Someone bang the table and make this record stop skipping, no?

Then, in proper “The Hills” style, the editing machine went haywire!  Lynne points to Gretchen and says, “You know what? F*ck you!” but then they mute out the rest of what she says, the sound changes, and then we just see random facial expressions from everyone at the table.  These facial expressions probably had nothing to do with what was just said, but I’m fine with it.  Although, Tamraaaaa seems to be fidgeting an awful lot.  Maybe the salad dressing gave her the Shasta McNasty’s?

Then the shaky tears start.  Well, shaky tears and random thoughts start, like when Lynne says her kids were little and watching freakin’ Barney.  Uh, ok.  Then the real tears come and Lynne is squeaking so high that all of a sudden the Von Trapp family kids came and lined up in front of me with their blue sailor suits on.  It was weird.  Lynne continues by squeaking that she’s trying to be a good mom and do everything she can, but it’s hard being a mom in Orange County and it’s hard just living in Orange County.  I bet it’s getting harder to get meds in the Orange County too these days.

Poor Lynne.  I actually felt a little bad for her at the end.  Well, I was laughing because when she cried it look like her face was falling off and I did laugh when she was crying and said, “having teenagers is freakin’ scary man.  It’s freakin’ scary!” but I still felt a little bad.  Oh Lynne, just make everyone some of those hot cuffs and call it a day.  The cuffs will set you free.

***Next week it appears Lynne gets evicted from her new home.  Isn’t this the second time this happened?***

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