It’s no secret that I’ve been lacking in the Real Housewives recapping department. It’s partially because there are 16 different series on per week and it’s partially because Andy Cohen refuses to let me be the guest bartender in the club house. Regardless and irregardless all at the same time, I’ve been able to catch some episodes here and there and by “here and there” I, of course, mean ” over and over again each weekend on the regular.” To quickly recap where we left off last, all the women are dressed up like the 1980’s and going to Tamra’s Bunko party. I’m pretty sure “Bunko” is Latin for, “Any excuse to show “the toe” on national television.” Alexis is dressed like Madonna from the 80’s and seems to think that walking really fast and chomping gum is part of her character. Also, she’s getting a nose job because Jesus agreed that He made a mistake. Heather is dressed like the chick(s) in the Robert Palmer video…and it takes everyone a good 5 minutes to figure it out. Seriously, she looked just like it. Oh, and Vicki dressed as Brianna. I guess. I have no idea. I assume this is what it looks like when your love tank is full? Moving right along.
The jig is up soon enough when all the “husbands” show up to the party dressed like your local neighborhood sex offenders. Same/same. Although, Slade is inexplicably dressed like Billy Ray Cyrus, which is odd because I’m pretty sure that was the 90’s. The takeaway is that everyone sucks. Badly. Heather looks so surprised to see her husband show up that her cheeks tried to escape via her eye sockets. Sockets, what a glorious word. The pointed fingers start flying when some dude with blond-combover-extensions starts bringing up Slade’s wondrous comedy tour. Evidently a Powerpoint Presentation of Miss Piggy on stage now counts as comedy. Nevertheless Gretchen and Vehicular Gunvalson are just about to have at it over unpaid and late child support. No joke they keep talking about child support over and over again. It’s confusing. I’m confused. They’re confused. Even the cameraman seems a little shaky over all this child support talk. Perhaps they should have gone to see She By Sheree in her “Child Support Man” play that took place in an Atlanta strip mall? I’m sure that could clear a thing or two up. I have to say both these chicks are bricks, per usual, but I am finding myself siding with Gretchen a little because Vehicular Gunvalson is being as hypocritical as the Jolly Green Giant when he gives Sprout the side-eye over baby carrots. I’m not kidding, I have no idea what that meant but now I can’t stop singing, “Ho, ho ho Vicki Gunvalson” in my head on a loop. It’s times like this that really makes me miss Lynn. I mean, I’m almost certain Lynn is convinced she’s presently living in the 1980’s so she would have fit right in! Oh, and whatever the hell happened with that lesbian chick that was on the show a season or two ago? They probably gave her the boot since she wasn’t orange, with a white fright wig, French manicure, and Pam Anderson makeup all over her face. “These OC housewives look so fresh and natural,” shouted the villagers on Opposites Day.
After your standard housewives repetitive argument, Vehicular Gunvalson decides to peace out since she’s having a sobering moment that consists of her realizing that she’s probably in her 50’s, dressed like Xuxa, and fighting at a party where everyone is dressed like extras on the set of Punky Brewster (the season where she worked in that hip restaurant). Why this didn’t turn into a breakdance knife fight is beyond me and, really, a missed opportunity I think. Once Vicki heads back to Whoville to make sure her Christmas presents are still under the tree I assumed the drama was over. It wasn’t. For the next 15 minutes we’re forced to listen to Alexis defend her nose job and sinus surgery to Heather, her husband, Gretchen, and Tamra. Luckily Alexis didn’t look crazy because she went on the defensive almost immediately. Please reread that last sentence with a sarcastic undertone. I’m kidding. Read this entire blog post with a sarcastic undertone. I’m kidding. Read this entire website with a sarcastic undertone. I’m kidding. Read it with a sarcastic overtone and let me know which way sounds better. After a lot of back and forth stupidity, Alexis decides to make her final points of the night by saying that she can basically cough up some snot and show us the string that’s in her mouth every morning that she needs surgery to fix. I’m sorry, string in her mouth? Nose job? Hmmm something tells me we have a Fembot Pinocchio on our hands. Ironically enough, sans makeup she kinda does look like a real live boy! Also, wouldn’t it be easier if Jim just punched the power of God in her nose and let the chips fall where they may? Mmmm chips.
During all of this Bunko bashing, Heather is trying to remain calm and solve all the problems. Uh, unless she pulls a little weave or comes up with a catch phrase this is most likely the last we’ll see of this brown-haired housewife. Meanwhile, two other points I’d like to mention. Why the hell does Gretchen laugh at every sentence she says during her one on one interviews? It makes me embarrassed for all the people in California. Yeah, I’m talking to you too San Jose. Second, I was glad to see Don back on the show even if it was in a scene with Brianna. If I were Don the entire time the camera was on me I would only say, “Vicki is dead inside” over and over again. That way, even if they cut half my scenes at least there would be one sentence that would air which would include, “Vicki is dead inside.” This is, most likely, why I’m not good enough for reality television.
In the end, Alexis is balling her eyes out as she goes in for surgery to get her bump removed…and maybe even remove some of that pesky string that keeps appearing in her mouth each morning. All of this is going on as they’re also showing Brianna heading into surgery to remove her thyroid and see if she really does, in fact, have actual cancer. Let me repeat that. Actual cancer. Alexis is getting some nose work done because her self esteem is hiding in her extensions and Brianna is having surgery so that she can live. You totally know that Jesus is bringing this up at the gates of Heaven for sure. He may also bring up that whole Peggy/Jim sleeping together 10 years ago thing because, well, we are all kinda intrigued by that story and feel like we don’t have closure on it.
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