Real Housewives of OC Recap: Come to My Party. Buy Clothes in My Kitchen.

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Well we’re back where it all began…in Orange County.  Here are 12 things worth discussing during the season premiere of Real Housewives of Orange County:

What in the Christmas F is Alexis Saying This Time? – It wouldn’t be a new season of Housewives With Orange Cunty’s if the cast wasn’t saying some new crap in the opening credits. Seriously, what is Alexis going on about this time? Last season she was slurring something about being high maintenance and this time around I believe she’s reciting Psalms: God is my savior, my husband is my king, and my body is sinful. Really? Trust me, even God is giving you the side-eye with your bedazzled hat and cosmic rocket knockers.

It’s Been 5 Minutes. I miss Lynn. – If there are two things I miss right now it’s crispy chicken and Lynn. And, well, considering Lynn was as close to human crispy chicken as anyone (sans George Hamilton) could get, I’m really sad that she’s not featured this season. How will we ever know how her hot-glue-gunned leather cuffs are doing? Thanks Bravo, for nothing.

Gretchen’s Handbags are the New “Lynn’s Cuffs” – I’m already over Lynn’s cuffs. That was fast. Thanks to the success of Gretchen Christine Boobays now you can buy some handbags that may or may not be flame retardant. And thanks to host coach, Marki Costello, who may or may not be on a meth binge now Gretchen is going to be professionally trained on how to sell you a** crap. Marki keeps telling Gretchen that she’s selling the “OC Lifestyle.” Really? Based on the looks of this group, please raise your hand if you’re interested in looking 15 years older than your actual age because you have Pam Anderson 1996 lipstick on and a fried weave. Raise it high. I want to know who you are so I can block you from this site and report you to either DSS or the CIA. I haven’t decided yet. My blog, my choice.

So Vicki Hates Don Again – It’s no surprise that Vicki and Don are ending their marriage and, most likely, going to burn in hell for all eternity…if you believe in what Alexis believes (more on this later). Vicki and Don are moving rugs and furniture all around the house for the hell of it. Basically, Don is like Vicki’s slave. A slave in Whoville? Who knew.  Even though in Vicki’s voiceover she keeps saying how much she loves and respects Don, especially after they renewed their vows, we all know the truth.  This is basically like seeing a car accident happening in slow motion.  I love it.

Burning the Skank Off of Tamra – Since Tamra is a complete genius and doesn’t have sex with her son, she’s off to Dr Tatoff ,which I’m still trying to figure out if it’s real or not, to get the tattoo of Simon’s name on her finger removed since, you know, she got a divorce about 14 hours after the tattoo was done. Oh, and why is Dr. Will from Big Brother in this scene? If someone was going to legally burn me for 15 seconds it probably wouldn’t be done by a cast member of a CBS reality show at a place called Dr. Tatoff. Call me crazy. And I bet when Tamra was getting this removed you could smell the white-trash seeping out of her pores. Tamra claims it’s the worst pain ever, although watching scenes when Tamra tries to be sexy is pretty much the worst pain ever. So it’s debatable, but I win.

Does This Milania “Do Fabulous” Too? – I think it should be a law that any child named Milania should be forced to “do fabulous” when ever I tell them too. Alexis’ daughter Milania is just like Teresa’s daughter Milania, but this one bites. Literally. While Alexis takes a break from watching her kids so she can Shasta McNasty in private, Milania takes a bite out of “the other one” and then gets put in time-out. I would have been like, “Did you just bite your sister? Did you? You Did?! Well you’re gonna go out on the front lawn and ‘do fabulous’ until the sun goes down. You hear me?”

Like a Page Out of the Kim Zolciak Playbook, Tamra Befriends a Lesbian – Tamra may be off the market since she’s banging her ex-husbands best friend, but that doesn’t mean that she can’t befriend the town les. Tamra tries to be all sexy and pretend she’s into her friend, but I don’t buy it for a second. If I were there I would have been like, “Prove it Tamra. Do scissors Do scissors now.” But, that’s just me. Perhaps if you were there you would have simply asked. I think a demonstration proves a lot. Moving on.

3 Things That Alexis Needs to Stop Doing, STAT – (1) Talking about God and her faith in 90% of her one on one interviews. (2) Calling herself “Mommy” on the regular. (3) Pronouncing everything incorrectly (see: A-Mex)

Come to My Party. Buy Clothes in My Kitchen. – Tamra is having a party at her boyfriends house instead of her own because she’s about 2 more seasons away from living out of a 1984 wood-paneled station wagon. That’s just my guess. Either way her party is completely random and the theme is apparently “Shopping for Clothes Out of the Kitchen.” Ole! And all of the clothes are exactly what you would expect from this crew. Everything is bedazzled within an inch of its life and looks like it smells like the basement of a church or the ring around Lohan’s tub.

So I Take it the Producers Told Them to Have More Fights – What’s up with all these fights over completely ridiculous stuff? First off, one the of hats that literally had a bedazzled eye on it was used as a joke between Gretchen and Tamra, but Tamra did not find the hat joke funny, as most people don’t over hat jokes, and she was actually insulted. She tells Vicki what happened the second she walked into the party like someone was just stabbed (and sadly not me in my eyes from watching this trash heap talk). Next up, whilst out side bursting into high-pitch laughing fits, Cackles McFriedWeave is upset that Blessed Mother Alexis McKnockers called her a princess for not wanting to get up to go to the gym so early in the morning. Cackles loses her sh*t and starts talking in a panic as if Jeff came back to life and still wanted to marry her. Meanwhile, Blessed Mother is telling Cackles to calm down because she’s had a little too much to drink all whilst the lesbian starts dancing in between them to try and defuse the situation. Seriously, you don’t want to disrupt a lesbian in heat. They’ll start winking with their vaginastein. It’s been reported.

Breaking News: Gunvalson Got Bangs – She’s like the Tyra Banks of Whoville.

In the End – In the end Cackles McFriedWeave continues to assault her liver and Tamra by owning the fact that she was calling her a b*tch. At least she owns it. Everyone is all surprised that Cackles is turning into an angry drunk, but it’s like she was exposed for the past two seasons as a gold-digging skanasaurus, so what do you expect? Of course she’s going to have some drinks and start attacking. I hope she never stops. I hope she turns into the Charlie Sheen of the OC.

Cackles and crew leave the fiesta, but not before her assistant gets sort of approached by Tamra about doing some eBay work for her? I have no idea. I couldn’t keep up. My brain was filled with thoughts of trying to figure out why Gretchen needs an assistant and what Tamra could possibly be selling on eBay. Scissors? I’ll look into that.

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