Real Housewives of NYC Recap: All “The Olds” are Doing the Sexy

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Welcome!  This isn’t the Plaza Hotel, this is IBBB…things suck around here.  Get used to it.  For 7 days now Bravo has been throwing commercials at me like grenades talking about the “fallout from Morocco” so how come for the first 15 minutes of this snoozefest I’m forced to watch “the olds” get sexy with each other?  First we have to watch Ramona sprinkle (cookies) rose petals all over some random hotel room whilst wearing some Valentine’s lingerie and starfish earrings so she can surprise Mario with sex on camera.  Ole!  Poor Ramona was sitting there blinking, squinting, and seizing waiting for Mario to show up and he ended up being late.  I’m surprised he didn’t come stumbling in around 3am hammered with two Asian hookers on his arm from Chinatown.  Once he finally did arrive he seemed as uncomfortable to be there as I was to watch this “scene” go down.

Within minutes Ramona is “telling Mario for the first time” about what the psychic said in Morocco, which really means that she briefed him on this scene before she produced it so that he could read the script and say how the only other woman in his life was Avery…and the two Asian hookers who do the $2 dollar sucky-sucky.  I have to say, he wasn’t too convincing on the whole “I’m not cheating on you” case.  But what the hell do I care?  I just want to live in a world where Ramona is a fall down drunk.  Things take a serious turn for the worse when Mario is shirtless and Ramona is pumping some oil all over him and rubbing him down (and for some reason pointing to his abs and calling them pecs)…and then she goes for the feet and that’s when I yell “I need an adult” and head on off to the bathroom so I can Shasta McNasty this entire segment out of mind, through my bum, and into the toilet where the idea for this scene first took place.  Also, I truly believe Ramona has rabies.

I arrive back in front of the TV just in time to see Simon trying to get all sexy with Alex.  I mean, come on, are there two people in this good old mundo who are as sexless as them?  I’d rather watch a priest and a nun lick their lips to each other all whilst making their fingers in the shape of a circle with one hand and using the finger on their other hand to point towards the hole over and over again.  I mean, I don’t really know what that means, but the point is that the thought of Alex and Simon getting sexy is more than any one of us should have to endure.  They probably make Francois watch.

Simon ends up having a great surprise for Alex and for some reason he has these “gifts” placed on his body while he lays down on the floor and asks her to come into the room…and then he just stands up.  Huh?  Is this episode actually taking place or am I just having one of “my dreams” again?  Apparently his gift to Alex is a basket of underpants and some lingerie for her to “model” for him.  Let me tell you it’s all terrible.  One of the lingerie pieces looked like a sexier version of a KKK outfit or something that the grandmother in The Walton’s would wear when it wasn’t that time of the month.  At one point Simon just grabs her bony ass and I can actually feel both my penisitis and my nuts shoot up into my body…and then I pass out.  I love how they’re not giving up on this whole “Alex is sexy this season” thing.  Every piece of lingerie that she tried on and modeled consisted of her walking into the room with a glass of champagne…just like they teach you to do at the Sears Portrait Studio, Glamour Shots, Barbizon, and the like.  Also, someone needs to tell Alex that flapjack boobs are out this season.  However, bonus points for a few of these outfits as I could totally see her wearing that spread eagle in the hallway of her husbands hotel.  Zing!

The rest of this crapisode is absolute filler.  We quickly touch upon Sonja and her bankruptcy scandal while she’s getting a facial with her niece (who was kind of hot).  The lady doing the facial (one of Mario’s Asian sluts, probably) is like, ‘I read about you in the paper…”  Yeah, great way to up your tip.  Why not just slap her in the face in the middle of the facial?  Sonja is laughing while talking about how she doesn’t know how true the statements in the paper are and her lawyers are going to fill her in.  Honestly, if it wasn’t for Sonja being all 6’s and 7’s I wouldn’t believe her, but I have to admit I completely think she had no clue how much money she owed or what she even signed or where she even is.  More on this later.

The best part for me was when Sonja arrived at the facial place and handed her coat to her niece with the price tag still on it.  She claimed she keeps the price tags on her clothes so she can always remember the great deal she got on them.  Uh, sure.  I’m almost certain I saw a security tag on her skirt with the busted ink running down her back.  In fact, she even had the price tag on her skirt that she claimed she got years ago.  I know a wise woman once said, “Money Can’t Buy You Class” but I’m pretty sure money can buy you clothes (oh yeah!).

Speaking of clothes, Jill brings Bobby to some place to get a hand made suit.  I would talk about this part, but I have a new policy which states I’m not allowed to be interested in any scenes with both Jill and Bobby in them.  Now, if she was making little tiny custom tuxedos for her clip on koala bears from Australia, well, that would be another story.  So, in this case…moving on.

In more boring news, Sad Ross is back!  Ok fine, it’s kind of exciting.  LuAnn is so happy that Sad Ross is back because I’m sure it was exhausting being in Morocco for so long and having to do the coke all by yourself and sleep with random strangers and members of the camera crew (all allegedly and by “allegedly” I mean “totally made up like I’m one of those satire websites.”).  Of course they go to a French restaurant because they need to remain as stereotypical as they possibly can throughout the entire season.  LuAnn tells Sad Ross how happy she is to be back with him again and how thankful she is that he is…wait for it…wait for it….so funny.  Yup, funny.  Charlie Chuckles.  Or as LuAnn would probably call him, “Sir Charles of the Chuckles Canal.”  Suddenly they have some gross tender moment where she wants him to do his Indian impression and he starts speaking like Apu from The Simpsons.  Legit, it’s like I’m on an acid trip.  Now I finally understand why Bravo pulled the plug on this a few months ago and re-edited the whole thing.  Had this aired in February as originally planned we’d all be forced to watch Sad Ross’ stand-up routine I’m sure.  Also, this week they officially have the same hairdo and I believe it’s the same color.  I hate them and me equally.

Oh, and Cindy is in this episode too, but for about 3 minutes.  It’s some creepy scene with her brother and assistant and they’re looking through Cindy’s pictures from Morocco where they all learn that Sonja cut her out of all of them.  Seriously, take it as a blessing.  If only Sonja was in charge of editing this season, Cindy would be able to just go back to her successful business life and pretend none of this ever happened.

Meanwhile, Jill evidently stole the entire concept of “Spanx” and is trying to sell it under her own name now so she has all the girls (except Ramona and Kelly) come to a focus group on the same day her line launches so they can give her feedback.  Really?  She didn’t think of having the focus group before the line launched in case, you know, it sucked?  It all looks like it itches, gives you perma-cameltoe, and will be sold in the Harriet Carter catalog.  However, the most important part of this scene was how everyone was asking Sonja about her having to declare bankruptcy.  I actually feel kind of bad for her.  She looks like a hot mess these days, but I think she can still take steak, so that’s good.  Although, they all keep saying that they read about her situation in the Wall Street Journal.  Really?  Had I known the Real Housewives was discussed in the WSJ maybe I would have renewed my subscription from my senior year of college when we were forced to subscribe to it for a class that I had and pretty much only went to on Monday’s and Wednesday’s because I was hungover every single Friday for 9 months out of the year.  But enough about me.

Sonja keeps talking about how she pays all her bills, but she had some movie deal that “went south” and now everyone wants either $7 million or $19 million.  Didn’t this have something to do with John Travolta?  Someone fill me in because I’m over it at this point.  All I know (alls I knows) is that Jill is all over Sonja’s grill about the $19 million and wants to know about every last nickle and dime.  Shocking.  Focus on your Spanx, Jill, and call it a day.  Also, I hope those little clip on koala bears have their own Spanx because some of them looked a little chubby.  Too much latkes.

In the end, Alex and LuAnn decide to meet up for lunch to discuss their faux-fight in Morocco.  Of course LuAnn chooses a French restaurant.  The place looks like a dungeon and LuAnn is dressed like Sinade O’Connor from the “Nothing Compares to You” video.  This sh*t is so staged it’s legit turning into The Hills.  Although, if this was The Hills you totally know that LuAnn would never be known as the girl who didn’t go to Paris.  Anysquareteeth, they both sit there not sure who should start the fight first.  Finally Alex brings up LuAnn’s behavior and LuAnn tells Alex that she was embarrassed for her in Morocco.  Really?  I was embarrassed for myself.  This fight makes no sense and then LuAnn makes fun of Alex’s “Herman Munster” shoes from Morocco.  You tell her LuAnn!  Hit her where it hurts…in the shoes. Trash dump.

LuAnn actually ends up plugging her song a little because she tells Alex that she should have never got involved in the fight between her and Ramona and she actually says, and I quote, “it was none of your business, my friend.”  I literally threw both of my fists up in the air and shouted out “Yes!”  LuAnn says other winning lines during “the fight” too like, “You were bulling me in my salon” in reference to the 2×4 musty humid flea infested part of the riad where they got those dumb Henna tattoos.  Finally, LuAnn gets up, tells Alex to get a life, and then says, “You remember what happens to the messenger” and then they just end the scene.  What the F happens to the messenger?!  Does the messenger become a late-in-life successful fashion model!?  One may never know, my friend (oh yeah!).

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