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Is it just me or are there Housewives shows on every other day? I can’t keep up. I’m kidding. Of course I can. I schedule my life around this and, well, let’s just say there’s not a lot of schedule maneuvering that I have to do. But I digest. I’m pretty sure this entire episode was professionally edited by Jimmy Two-Times because we were forced to hear the same two phrases repeated every 11 seconds for the entire hour. These phrases, as you know, were: Marriage Equality and No Manners. Had this been a drinking game I would have had my stomached pump within 14 minutes, which is a nice change of pace as I’m used to the pumping taking place within 25 minutes. I like beating records.
We kick things off with Sonja having everyone over to her casa de crazy to hand out white wedding-like dresses to “the girls” for the Marriage Equality walk (drink!). Sonja is sharing her inner monologue with us the entire time because she won’t stop saying how she’s the Grand Marshall of the walk across the Brooklyn Bridge and how everyone needs to support her. Alex keeps saying how she’s on the committee, but I’m still hypnotized from last week that she is now a “mod-el.” I mean, let’s face it the only real thing that she’ll be modeling is “A New Alanteeeeee” just like Kelly Bundy. Unfortunately she doesn’t have as much bounce as her.
Once they finally get to the event here’s where the faux-fighting really starts. In Made Up Rules news, apparently since Sonja is the Grand Marshall of the event she will be the only one from the cast giving a speech and, evidently, demanded that she be the only one who speaks. Alex looks like her underbite is about to break off when she learns that Simon (who’s dressed in a glittery shimmery rainbow colored jacket looking like infomercial king Matthew Lesko screaming out secrets on how to get rich quick from the stairs of the Capitol and charging towards the camera) won’t be allowed to give his speech. Alex immediately confronts Sonja about why she won’t allow Simon to speak, but Sonja is too preoccupied with practicing her speech to even care. She actually looks like she’s about to smear Shasta all over her white wedding dress.
Suddenly Jill Zarin-Mousekewitz ends up showing up to the event just in time to witness Alex and Simon buzzing in Sonja’s ear, but still making sure they’re hitting their marks and positioned perfectly towards the camera and the boom mic. Somehow, the voice of reason is actually Kelly Bensimon who is yelling in their faces how they’re embarrassing themselves at this event. I mean, sure she came on strong and LuAnn had to tell her to settle down, but still all of sudden Kelly doesn’t seem so crazy anymore…which bores me.
Later Jill completely overreacts to Alex saying that she’s glad she stayed true to the committee and showed up to the event. Jill starts yelling, “Leave me alone! Stop picking on me! You keep picking on me!” Oh Jill. Poor simple Jill. She’s completely on damage control from last season, but no one is going to be pegging Jill as the victim and have pity on her any time soon. Just because you say it, doesn’t make it true. Didn’t someone say that once?
And then…Sonja takes the stage for her speech. What in the holy hell was she talking about? She was talking. in. short. bursts. of. random. words and at one point she just yelled “love” into the microphone, backed up, and gave the peace sign over her head. She then says everyone should be equal. That’s nice. How the hell did she get this gig? Was she technically having a stroke on camera? I bet it smelled like burnt toast near the podium. Things continue to get even more awkward the uncomfortable when all the girls walk across the Brooklyn Bridge in their white dresses and responding to a chant started by Alex. They should have all canonballed off the bridge, you know, just for sport.
After the march they all head back to Brooklyn where Alex and Simon are having a little fiesta to celebrate continuously making asses of themselves on national television week after week for about 3 months out of the year. Simon then decides to give the speech that Sonja “silenced” him over at the march and, well, thank God she did. He was rambling on about how he came over to the US from Australia and met an “Alex’ but if her name wasn’t Alexandra he wouldn’t be allowed to get married to her, get his greencard, or become a US Citizen. So, to sum up, he was most grateful for the greencard. Just want to make sure we’re all on the same page. They all end up making a toast to Marriage Equality (and saying it a record 213 times in under 30 minutes) and Jill says, “If they all want to be married and as miserable as us, let them” to which everyone there squeals “Jiiiiiiiill!” in the same way that the teacher says, “Gilly!?”
I personally think it’s a disgrace that Ramona didn’t make her first appearance until 30 minutes into this episode. I found myself going into fits of rage when I realized this. Apparently Ramona bought a table at this Gucci charity event and invited everyone except Jill and Kelly. She didn’t want Kelly there since she pretty much thinks she can “catch crazy.” And you know who I’m seriously already sick of, Alex. She’s chatting with Ramona about the seating arrangement and then immediately says, “Just don’t sit me next to Sonja!” Really Alex? Really? This chick is desperate for camera time and will do anything it takes to start a brawl with anyone. She’d fight the cameraman if he could still film it while she beat the bag out of him. And is it just me or can you never see listen to Alex without hearing her say “Cocktail and Couture” from the Reunion last season? Just me? Moving on.
Other stuff happens in this episode like a 5 minute segment of Cindy and her creepy brother recapping that random scene that happened last week between Ramona and that lady, who I thought actually was Cindy until about 2 minutes ago. Cindy is going to need to get trashy and get trashy fast if she wants to hold my attention. Blonk. Bloop, bloop, bloop!
The final scene is about 10 minutes long and they’re totally still milking this whole Marriage Equality fight by making sure to beat it to death at Sonja’s “art party.” First off, that dude that painted her is supposed to be her bang-buddy? Really? I assumed she was fighting for his rights to marry earlier in this episode. Anyway, I’m almost certain Sonja was drunk right off the bat because as soon as Alex walks in she confronts her about the event and Alex starts to fight back. This is where Sonja repeats, no joke, about 27 times, “You have no manners, get outta my house.” And then she’ll just randomly sprinkle in here and there “No manners, out!” She then also just keeps saying that the Marriage Equality event wasn’t the time or place to discuss Simon not being able to give the speech and her art party wasn’t the time or place to discuss it either. Uh, wasn’t she the one who just brought this up? I did laugh, however, when she was like, “And Simon…what’s your husbands name? Is it Simon? Simon was buzzing in my ear….” Sonja is train-wreck status enough for me to find myself smiling at most scenes she is in. Cindy, take notes.
Sonja then, for the 12th time, kicks Alex out of the house for having “no manners” and is in the process of tossing her out the second that LuAnn is walking in. And why the hell isn’t LuAnn singing Money Can’y Buy You Class as she enters the room? She should. By law, she should be forced to sing that song any time she enters any room. Hell, we all should! And what the hell was Alex wearing to the party? Someone hit the nail right on the head when they said she looked like a dominatrix. She looked like the mix of a dominatrix, a prostitute (toot!), and a tranny. When she was kicked out and walking up the streets of NYC she looked like she was selling, for sure. Even LuAnn had a funny one-liner when she said that she would have kicked her out just for wearing that dress. Speaking of one-liners, Sonja had a good one too when she said that Alex grew balls last season in St. John’s and has been swinging them ever since. I love crazy.
In the end, Sonja’s “boyfriend” unveiled her portrait and it was, um, nice? It looked like a freakin’ caricature that they draw of you in the middle of Times Square. I mean, it also kinda made her look like an alligator but, in all reality, if she was a cartoon I kinda think she really would be an alligator. Oh, and she was basically spread eagle with a blanket over her “gentlemen greeter” in the painting. If all of this was about trying to help her “boyfriend” get some exposure and sell some paintings I kinda think it backfired.
Overall this episode was decent at best. Honestly, if Ramona isn’t in at least 70% of it it’s kinda not worth watching. Although Sonja does seem to save some of the scenes with a natural crazy. Alex’s “voice” she found needs to be turned down a notch. It’s nice that she’s found a voice…now if only she could find something legitimate to say.
Next week Alex does some “modeling” and Ramona takes another stab at walking the runway. Bring it!
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