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Hello everybody it’s me, LuAnn, as you knoooow! It’s not, but I’m glad that Real Housewives of NYC is back as it increases that chances that we’ll all be living in a world where LuAnn will be “sing-talking” to us. It’s been a while since this classically trained wreck was on the talk box and, well, I’m glad it’s back. It’s great to see what’s new with everyone and what products they’ll be trying to force down our throats on the regular. Take Ramona for example. Since she plays the roll of the functioning wino it only makes sense that as she’s having a little party on the roof of some hotel she’s serving her very own brand of wine that I’m pretty sure is actually called “Ramona.” Personally, I think she should have called it “Pinona Creepio” but that’s just me and, I mean, who am I, really?
This season we’re all going to have to suffer from the fallout of “Alex finding her voice.” This obviously translates to awkward facials expressions and movements every time she see’s Jill. At Ramona’s little get together as soon as Jill and Bobby walk in, Alex looks as if she just saw Simon naked. I think she thinks that really bothers Jill. If she really wanted to get to Jill she should sing consistently “Somewhere Out There” and call her Fievel Mousekewitz. I mean, that would be my strategy obviously.
Speaking of Jill, I think she’s trying to be nice this season. Sure that lasts for about 15.4 seconds, but at least she’s still trying. And by trying I mean that when she walks into the party she says, “Look how nice this is!” She might as well have just looked into the camera and winked. I also think that Jill is going to use this season to continuously try to clear up the whole Bethenny situation. Whilst rocking a classic ponytail and sitting on her bed chit-chattin’ like school girls with Kelly “I’m Not Emotionally Nuts” Bensimon, Jill takes the time to bring up how Bethenny was really just trying to build this empire and had no more room for Jill. She is kinda looking out the side of her eye towards the camera during the whole conversation. Yeah, we see you Jill. She basically needs to get over this whole thing. The only grudge she can really hold against Bethenny is over the fact that she never told Jill what she thought of her potato latkes (“let me know what you think of the latkes”).
In a gigantic turn of events, Alex is a model now. Apparently letting her husband take pictures of rack and “gentlemen greeter” whilst she was spread-eagle in the hallway of her husbands hotel really has paid off! I guess Kohl’s will be looking for a “Women’s World” spokesperson to model caftans? I have no idea what 3 of those words even mean. All I know (alls I knows) is that she and Simon are working from home together as Simon has officially left the hotel business to start up a social network. I think that’s a great idea as I hear the 500 million people who are on Facebook are looking to move on.
However, what season wouldn’t be complete without some random new chick trying to weasel her way to the middle of the apple holding opening ceremony? Meet Cindy Barshop. Cindy is as rich as can be because she owns a bunch of spas where you walk in with 70’s retro bush and walk out as hairless as Grandma Wrinkles. Cindy is the kind of “girl” who has it all, except a man but that didn’t stop her from having two twin girls later on in life. I’m not sure how exciting she’s going to be for this show, but I’m going to give her large underbite a fair chance. Plus, I mean, this is NYC we’re talking about so I’m sure at some point I’ll run into her and I don’t want it to be awkward. If she drinks out of a dumpster on the regular we’re bound to be tight friends. Tight, hairless friends. I also don’t know what the part means either. I’m basically just typing random thoughts.
Anyhorselikemouth, Cindy is having some random party for some random artist that we’re all supposed to know. Let’s be real for a second, if we’re watching this show it’s not likely we know things like “artists” and “good taste.” We know “brain rot” and “garbage heaps.” Anyway, the artist who I assumed was just a grown up Buddy from Charles in Charge wants everyone to take off their shoes, dip their feet in paint, and then walk all over a sheet of paper. I thought LuAnn was going to self combust, but she actually did decent with this task. I’m glad she’s not shoving “Class With the Countess” down our throats this season. Kelly, of course, is fine with doing this as I’m guessing this is how she typically signs her checks so this is like home to her. And then we have Jill. Jill is screaming for Bobby and is concerned about her expensive shoes. She should have dipped Gloria’s little puff ball head into the paint and just start using her as a human stamp, but that’s just me. I like to think outside the gentlemen greeter. See what I did there? Oh, and Alex just kind of creepily stood in the background the whole time like a lurker. During her one on one interview, Kelly laughed when she said that Alex would attend the opening of an envelope. Uh, nice try Kelly, but I’m almost certain that Bethenny said the exact same joke about you 2 seasons ago. Zing!
Jill takes the time to yenta it up about how old Cindy must be and how she had to have a surrogate in order to have those twins. She actually doesn’t stop when Cindy walks up to her. Jill thinks she’s doing the right thing by saying, “Can I ask you some personal questions?” She then asks her is she had invitro, if she had a surrogate, how old she was, who her doctor is, does the baby have a father, does she have a husband, and how much hair is left her on vaginastein. If this is Jill’s idea of turning over a new leaf, she’s doing great. These are also great icebreaker questions for the first time you meet someone…ever. Try it work the next time a new person starts. You’ll all be squealing with delight especially when you’re forced to re-tell the story to Human Resources.
Oh, and Sonja is in the show too. I actually kind of like her. She seems like someone you could split a 30-pack with and then strangle a hooker to death on the streets of New York. Anyway, Sonja and Bull from Night Court are having a double date with LuAnn and Sad Ross from Friends. This is like Must See TV all over again for me! I originally thought this double date was going to be a snoozefest thanks to LuAnn (as you knooow) but this divorce must have really agreed with her. Once minute they’re all ordering wine and next thing you know they’re making off-color jokes about LuAnns beav and her “garden.” They’re tossing in innuendos about flowers growing in her garden and the like. It’s a really touching moment. I’m sure Sad Ross is going to town under the table as that entire conversation is taking place. And I’m not sure I totally believe that Bull is banging Sonja on the regular. She is an attractive older woman, but she leads us to believe that all men want her. I’m not sure how I feel about this yet. I’m having nightmares about that one scene I saw in the previews for this season where she’s dressed up in costume and bends over and her entire ass falls out of her dress and, well, it scared me. I woke up in a cold sweat.
I have to admit, Ramona continues to be the unsung hero for me already. She’s kind of brilliant and really does deserve her own spinoff. This time around, Ramona is trying to hire a second assistant and will be holding the interviews on camera. The whole scene is brilliant actually. She literally rips all these girls to shreds and talks about them to her other assistant like they’re not even in the room. First off, this one girl comes in named Tunisa and Ramona says, “That’s your name? It sounds like a country” to which the girl replies “It is.” Next. Then some other girl comes in and says that she’s really quiet and Ramona looks like she’s about to break a bottle of her Ramona Grigio and slice her with it. However, the last girl is the one who is probably on suicide watch today. She seemed like a nice enough girl, but Ramona makes her take off her blazer because she says she looks to “mid-west” and then disagrees with her when the girl says she’s really outgoing. I have to agree with Ramona on this one. I would have placed a mirror under her nose. Then all of a sudden, Ramona stands up and declares “You look like you have some skin issues” and then she gives the poor girl a jar of her Renewal skincare. It was at that exact moment that you could see in the girl’s eyes that she wished she never signed that waiver to show her face on national television. Me gusta Ramona. Me gusta her a lot.
Finally towards the end there is some big wedding in the Hamptons that is taking place and Ramona, Alex, and Jill are all going. The only thing is that Jill doesn’t know that Alex is going, as Ramona has decided to leave this minor detail out as she says it’s more fun this way. Thank God for Ramona because, you know what, she’s right. Once they show up at the church Jill looks like she’s about to vomit when she first sees Alex and had to be held up by Bobby (not Justin). Alex immediately calls out Jill for being on the committee for some gay marriage/equality event, where people put on wedding dresses and walk over the Brooklyn bridge, but isn’t actually going to attend. Jill tries to squirm out of this conversation by saying that she’s on the kind of committee where you just give you name, but don’t go to the event, but Alex won’t let it slide. On one hand I’m glad she’s calling Jill out, but on the other hand it’s like we get it…Fievel Mousekewitz likes to lie.
Things get a little blurry for me after the church when Ramona is telling some story about Cindy’s brother saying something about her friend who passed away and him “being in his mouth” while he smoked a cigar? Seriously, I have zero idea what the hell she was talking about but all I do know is that Cindy and her brother were standing directly behind Ramona when she was talking smack and called her out on it and then walked away. Ramona started to break out in hives and then just says, “Oh this is bad. Ok, I’ll figure it out later.” Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it!
In the end at the, Jill continues to talk crap about Alex to these two zombie women at the outdoor wedding reception. She’s telling them about the marriage equality event, but I think she’s really trying to tell the camera man and “the America” in an attempt to try and clear it up. She then makes fun of Alex and Ramona for wearing white to a wedding. Did anyone watch “Watch What Happens Live” after the show? 2 things: 1. Jill claims that in that scene they dubbed in her voice from a conversation she was having with a producer and that the words don’t match her mouth. 2. More importantly, did you see Jill wearing the corset with the long dark brown ponytail? She looked like La Cucaracha. Ole!
Anyway, Alex decides to call out Jill one last time about pretending she didn’t know Alex was invited to the wedding as Jill apparently called Ramona and the bride (?) to ask them if Alex was going. I is be confused, again, please. Alex is like a pitbull and won’t let up on Jill. It’s fun to see her squirm though, especially when she blatantly lies. I mean, I don’t want Jill to stop lying or anything because it really adds to the show. And by “the show” I, of course, mean “my life.” For a last minute laugh, Ramona ends up sticking her finger in the wedding cake to sneak a quick taste even though the wedding cake hadn’t been cut yet. Brilliant. More Ramona please!
So what did all y’alls and y’alls alls think about this first crapisode? 100 times better than the OC already, yes?
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