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While the cat’s away, the mice will play so it only makes sense that Jill Zarin isn’t in this episode as she is traveling in Australia most likely feeding kangaroos her potato latkes and asking them if they liked it. But just because Jill is away and Bravo didn’t want to spend a dime filming it doesn’t mean that crazy can’t be found elsewhere. We’re suddenly brought back to “The Hills” where each scene consists of “the girls” getting together for a pedicure or a quick lunch that doesn’t involve food. Kelly and LuAnn are meeting up for said pedicure because, let’s face it, who else will LuAnn film with at this point in the franchise and Kelly is complaining that she is single and wants a family for her two daughters that look nothing like her. Suddenly LuAnn and Sad Ross from Friends are the envy of the town? LuAnn evidently thinks so and wants Kelly to come to some wine-dating-mixer-thing that Sad Ross is throwing and even brags to Kelly that “many Europeans will be there.” Oh boy! Real life Europeans!? No way! It’s like our Social Studies book is coming to life!
Meanwhile, fresh off Sonja kicking Alex out of her house for “having the worst manners” they decide to meet up for a lunchless lunch to discuss the process of being thrown out and what better place to do that than on camera. I would normally think this was a bore, but the second Sonja entered the scene it was game on. First off she wouldn’t take her coat off in the restaurant because she had her yoga clothes on underneath it and second of all she was sporting some giant black afro-like hat that looked like she was either my sister’s Russian Cabbage Patch doll or Foxy Cleopatra. I guess it doesn’t really matter because she’s suddenly morphed into Barbara Streisand. No joke, not only does she look like her, but she kind of sounds like her, no? There’s no way I can be the first person who thought of this? Anynose, Alex, Sonja, and Sonja’s afro-hat all discuss Alex’s bad manners and how Sonja is afraid of Simon and doesn’t want a man screaming in her ear. At one point Sonja just says, “I’m not dealing with your husband” and Alex says nothing to that. Really? Yawn. It’s like Sonja is producing her own scenes now and Alex doesn’t know how to play along. Alex tried to be all serious, but I have to admit that Sonja was making me laughing as she was filing down breadstick after breadstick like a woodchuck. Bravo! Literally.
Later that night, Satchels of Gold and Cindy meet up to have drinks and Cindy is visibly upset over something that she claims she is “shaking” over. I thought she was going to say she was sexually assaulted in the cab ride over, but she was just really upset because she had to have her creepy brother fire the nanny. Yeah, that must be tough. It’s always a traumatizing time when you have to fire the hired help, I mean, even the starving kids in Africa think so. I’m not the biggest fan of Cindy, but she scored a few points with me when Kelly was trying to text Ramona to tell her that she couldn’t go to her award ceremony and it took Kelly 15 minutes just to send the text and Cindy sat there with her mouth ajar staring at Kelly like she could “catch dumb b*tch” just by being that close to her. Seriously, Kelly worked forever on that text message and you totally know that the end result looked like this: Hi Ramona, ejrowejrwe9ur9 jojwerfew90 oprjwpojds. Thanks, Kelly.
You know what this episode needs? Speed dating. And there you have it. It’s the night of Sad Ross’ wine and dating party and finally some real crazy takes place. Kelly is all freaked out because she’s really more a beer girl (see: Xanax) than wine. She asks LuAnn if you’re supposed to spit the wine out after you taste it and LuAnn spews out something like, “Darling, you don’t spit. I highly recommend swallowing.” Class act. I mean, that she’s ok with saying but she’s not ok with talking about her gentlemen greeter getting waxed? Oh LuAnna, oh don’t you cry for me, for I come from Alabama with a banjo on my knee. Just sayin’.
Anysuezcanal, Kelly, Sonja, and Cindy all attend this speed dating event and hopefully they’re rape whistles are within reach because someone is going home a mother (again) before this night is over. One French dude is staring at Sonja’s rack the whole time, as is the camera. One guy is old enough to be Kelly’s father (and may, in fact, be her dad), and one dude looks like he has the opposite teeth as Cindy. The conversations are all tragic and then Sad Ross rings the bell that my first grade nun used as a way to declare “recess” and everyone must switch. Honestly, it’s insane how much Sad Ross really does look like Ross. If he didn’t have LuAnn’s same exact hairstyle he’d be a dead ringer. Even when he talks with that French accent is reminds me when Ross tried out a British accent when he was teaching his class (i-denti-FY!).
Things get a whole lot more interesting when Kelly is matched up the actor with the creepy teeth. He says he went to Juliard and so Kelly thinks it’s cool that he’s a dancer, but he says he was an actor not a dancer at Juliard so Kelly says, “Oh cool so what instrument do you play?” to which he responds, “I’m an actor so I don’t play an instrument.” Good old Kelly. I’m going to head downtown to practice flashcards with her three days a week just to make sure she can pass 8th grade this coming May. Then for some inexplicable reason she makes him act out a scene where it ends with him asking her to marry him. He’s playing a character that has cancer and needs to tell his girlfriend and Kelly decides to act along as well. When he tells her that he has cancer she responds by angrily saying, “What? What do you mean you have cancer. You don’t just say that.” Good work Kelly. Because at the end of the day getting pissed off at someone for having cancer is a natural reaction. And they loved to be yelled at so that’s awesome too. I have no idea why they’re doing any of this, but I found myself yelling “Ring the bell, Sad Ross, ring the bell!”
The “next day” some of the girls have to go all the way to Governors Island for a dumb birthday party for Alex. It takes forever to get there, is windy as all hell, and is cold as Jill Zarin’s heart. Oh, and no one really even showed up for it and Kelly’s daughter totally called it. At one point Alex dropped her entire glass of champagne on Francois’ head and all was right with the world. While Alex thought this was the best birthday ever, I thought it was the worst and apparently Kelly and Cindy did too because they bailed after about 10 minutes. And don’t give Cindy sh*t for complaining that she had to go all the way to Governor’s Island. I’m totally with her. I won’t even head over to the East Side unless there are free drinks involved.
Finally the moment we’ve all been waiting for! Ramona is about to walk in yet another runway show. Ole! Obviously her last runway show didn’t go over so well so she’s ready to redeem herself. She’s even practicing her “bedroom eyes” which basically makes her look like she just caught Bin Laden working behind the counter of a 7-11. And, to make matters worse, as she’s lined up backstage ready to go she starts losing her sh*t and keeps looking directly into the camera with her eyes bugged out. Oh, this will go well. It’s finally time for Ramona to take the stage and I really thought it was going to be way better than last time. Sadly, it wasn’t. While her eyes weren’t as bugged out she was doing this crazy things with her arms and hands that sorta made it look like she was trying to wheel herself in an imaginary wheelchair up the runway. If you saw the scene, you’d agree. And why did all the other “models” on the runway have their faces blurred out as they walked? Maybe blurry faced models are the new thing? Obviously I’m not that fashionable. Personally I liked the second time Ramona walked down the runway that night because it consisted of more of a running-like quality. Thank Santa Christ for Ramona!
If there was one thing I always say never gets talked about enough during RHONY it’s LuAnn’s beaver. Well, that’s finally taken care of when the girls head out to Cindy’s beaver spa to get waxed within an inch of their lives like Pauly D’s eyebrows. LuAnn is having a fit the whole time and saying “Daaaaaarling we don’t talk about that.” Really? Because I kinda think you do. I bet LuAnn was just afraid of getting waxed down there because she finally got her pubes to grow out like Sad Ross’ hairstyle. And, had Jill Zarin been there, I’m sure she would have collected up all their waxed off hair to make a giant ponytail that is glued to her gentlemen greeter. Just my guess, maybe you have your own.
Oh, and let’s not forget that Ramona isn’t the only one that’s a model in this episode. Alex is too. And we’re allowed to follow along on the photoshoot where she “models” in front of the camera. I have no idea what she’s doing and neither does she. All I know (alls I knows) is that I’m suffering from a classic case of secondhand embarrassment trying to watch her “model” and the photographer is totally pissed that he already signed his waiver that allows Bravo to use his face in this scene. He’s probably jealous of those blurry-faced models on the runway in the previous scene. And Alex kept doing this thing with her hands, where I’m pretty sure she was trying to make butterfly gestures. Yeah. Pretty.
In the end, it’s the night of Ramona’s big award ceremony where she gets some award for what I believe is her “renewal” from last season. I have no idea. Alex shows up with her creepy hair from the photoshoot and everyone tees off on her. It’s great. You can barely hear it, but at one point you can hear Sonja saying, “We thought it was a wig. We thought you were one of those hoochie mamas with the hair.” Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it. No joke, Ramona and Sonja may be be favorite two. Anyeyes, Romona has to give her speech and Sonja may be a couple sheets to the wind because she’s turned into one of the singing gospel churches where they just yell out “yes Lord” when the preacher is, uh, preaching? The highlight for me was when Ramona was talking about getting her 2-year college degree. Brilliant. She should do another renewal and go for a 4-year degree.
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