Like a working whore at a gang bang, let’s dive right in. We pick up right where we left off from last week, which if you recall is when the psychic was telling Ramona that her husband basically is either banging some other chick or some other chick is trying to bang him. I mean, the whole situation is one giant cluster-sex because everyone is fighting over who gets to translate the horrible news from the psychic to Ramona. It was just like when me and my sister were little and we used to fight every Sunday morning over who got to take the tape off the Dunkin Donuts box. Don’t judge, it was a real thing.
The psychic and her magic carpet ride eyebrows is trying to tell Ramona that a woman is trying to get with Mario. Of course this is making Ramona twitch, blink, bug out her eyes, and shift herself all over her chair all whilst trying to convince everyone that she must be talking about her daughter as “the other woman.” Creeptastic! At one point she starts telling the psychic that she runs multiple businesses. She’s like, “LuAnn, tell her I run multiple businesses.” Bravo, Ramona, bravo. Even at a time like this she’s doing a full court press on her sales cycle. The odd part is that Sonja is taking this news the absolute worst. She’s literally crying. What a gong show. Everyone is trying to say that Sonja is either still having a hard time with her divorce or is really sad for Ramona. I’m sorry, is there a hidden option “C” which is, of course, “She’s 3 sheets to the wind and is experiencing beer tears.” Seriously, I’m sure she couldn’t give two Shasta McNasties about this news. She’d probably cry if the psychic told her that that they were bringing Empty Nest back to television only to cancel it again.
Once all the crazies disperse from the psychic reading, Ramona is talking to that one random chick at the party with the gray bangs telling her how LuAnn made a pass at Mario the first time she met him and basically told him that he could “do sex” with her if he wanted. Hey LuAnn, how’s ya skeletons? Meanwhile, Jill is yenta’ing it up and through the magic of subtitles we learn that people in “her crowd” tell her that Mario is, indeed, having an affair. That’s sweet of everyone to spill the means (I meant “beans”…typo, but I’m keeping it) while liquored up, mic’d up, and on camera. Sonja tries to comfort Ramona in her time of need by saying loving statements like, “Oh my God what if Mario leaves you after your daughter goes to college!?” She said it in the same way you would scream, “Run! The F’n house is on fire!” Good to see that Sonja isn’t experiencing any form of a drunken breakdown right before our very eyes. Ramona is nice enough to send a loving jab back to Sonja by saying, “Your husband was 70. My husband is my age. You married for money and I married for love.” Now would be the perfect time for Jill to just shout out, “You were spread-eagle in the hallway of your husbands hotel!” In fact, I think everyone should just shout that out at the most inappropriate time in front of a group of people and just see what happens. I, my friends, will practice this over the weekend.
The “next day” everyone is getting ready to head on out to the market. There are only two problems. First, everyone pretty much is succumbing to the idea of getting raped in an open air market. Second, for the next 10 minutes we’re all forced to listen to a fight about Sonja saving LuAnn a seat next to her in the minivan while LuAnn goes to drain her lizard. Apparently Cindy has had enough of Sonja’s pecking order and, like a modern day Rosa Parks, demands (I said demands!) to sit where LuAnn’s Solid Gold backup dancer purse is currently occupying. As soon as Cindy starts to mouth off in the minivan people start to disperse out of the van like it’s a clown car. And what’s even worse is the fact that I’m actually taking the time to think about the situation and side with Sonja since LuAnn did, in fact, ask her to please hold her seat for her while she pissed out the profits from Money Can’t Buy You Class. I hope each time LuAnn is done peeing, when she shakes her penis over the toilet she says, “Oh yeah!” or “My friend!” each and every time. I’m sure she says something and, well, that’s all that matters.
The fight about assigned seating continues in the open air market. For those of you questioning why other countries are willing to come to America and try to set their own nuts on fire whilst flying here to kill and terrorize as many Americans as possible, well, wonder no more! At this point I’d rather listen to Camile and Kyle fight about who said what about Kelsey not going to Hawaii for Christ sakes! Sorry Christ, didn’t mean to bring you into this. You have more important things to do. Anyway, while Sonja is literally terrified because she thinks she’s going to get a standard Rape-N-Rob whilst at the market, Jill has a strategy all of her own. You see, she’s wearing a legit fanny pack around her waist with her Hanes Husky t-shirt over it and, well, her face alone with keep the rapists at bay. Hey-oh! Oh, and something tells me that in her genuine leather fanny pack she has a few mints with lint on them, 2 troll dolls with rainbow colored hair, 3 clip on koala bears from Australia (sniff…sniff…that b*tch!), and two plastic containers of (you guessed it) some potato latkes.
After two days of fighting the “ladies” are ready for my favorite part of the entire crapisode/season: The camel rides! What joy this brought to my life. And I’m not kidding. Everyone except Sonja is going to ride a camel. Apparently she’s still shaken up from when she fell off the horse at Kelly’s. Clearly Alex has no idea what the desert is or what camels are because she’s literally dressed like she’s ready to train elephants at the circus. I’m pretty sure she’s wearing a traditional mans tie as well. Jill is dressed like Princess Jasmine, you know, if Princess Jasmine was from Queens. And then, well, then there’s LuAnn. She chooses the camel that goes all 6’s and 7’s about 5 minutes into the ride. Whilst the sun is setting in the desert her camel starts giving us traditional Ramona eyes and body jerks and is throwing LuAnn all around. She’s literally shouting “Whoa. Hey! Whoa! Ohhh!” No joke, I was waiting for her to be like, “Are you ready to rock-n-roll? My name’s LuAnn, as you know!” and then bust out into “Money Can’t Buy You Class” all while some tricky little Asian is throwing gang signs in the background. Damn it I loved that episode. Anytoe, the camel is going nuts and LuAnn is trying to take a moment to compose herself but the camel still keeps going to town. I’m pretty sure of 2 things. 1. The camel was trying to knock the “Countess” title off of LuAnn, physically. 2. LuAnn has a busted hymen. That’s just a fact. I’m not saying it’s because of the camel. I’m just saying it. And I feel better doing so.
LuAnn has to finally end up getting off the camel because it has Tourettes. They should have shot it right there in the desert. What the hell do I care? Meanwhile, Ramona’s camel probably had Pinto Grigio in two of its humps. Haha humps. And Jill was asking the dumbest questions to the tour guide like, “Is this the Sahara Desert?” and “Can camels hop?” I would have been like, “yes and yes.” Then I would have immediately taken a plane to NYC and slapped Gloria in the mouth. And she knows why.
At the end of their cameltoe riding ceremony, LuAnn had a surprise for them which was a white tent in the middle of the desert. Great. How are they going to get back? I mean, I read the Alchemist and, well, someone’s getting killed for sure. They’re all sitting around the table playing a wonderful game of “I bet you didn’t know this about me.” What fun. Everyone is stupid. Sonja goes on and on for about 10 minutes that no one knows that she takes baths and does yoga. Fail. Then everyone gives Alex crap for telling everyone that her dad had Alzheimer’s and died when she was 11 years old. They’re like, way to bring down the party. Oh, I’m sorry did a conversation of meaning bother any of you? No, no, really, let’s get back to Bobby’s feet please! Trash bags. Cindy is ready to shoot the place up because everyone is talking over everyone else and she can’t take another second of it. I can’t take her constant head bobbing, but you don’t hear me complaining do you? Oh, wait. And Sonja really needs to cool it during her one on one interviews about her worldly travels. This time around she’s telling us that she was asked to come to the Saudi Arabian Palace during the first war the US had with them for some reason. Yeah, they just wanted to shoot you on sand, Sonja, not have tea. There’s a difference.
The rest of the episode is pretty pointless until the fight between Ramona and Jill takes place. I mean, sure, we got to experience Ramona and Sonja having a case of projectile explosive diarrhea before they went to the Turkish bath but, come on, how many sh*t jokes can we really make? 10? 34? Who can keep up? I’m not sure why the two of them would decide to wear all white after basically pissing out of their a** all morning, but who am I to judge? I don’t know if I would be in the same pool as Ramona and her skidmarks, but maybe that’s the kind of thing that doesn’t bother you. The Countess must have an etiquette rule about diarrhea and swimming and the like in her book. Someone read it to me?
In the end Jill and Ramona have a very highly produced and set up scene where they’re going to discuss the issues that they each have with each other and they’re going to do it in full hair and makeup and with lighting that is just appropriate enough for women their age. Honestly, I can’t even imagine trying to have a legit argument with Ramona. I don’t even think it’s even humanly possible. I think her brain can’t process it. I thought this “fight” was going to be good, but all they really end up doing is talking about that dumb wedding from the first crapisode and, once again, are bringing up the fight with Betheny and Ramona kicking Jill and Bobby off scary island from last season. Yawneroo! I thought Jill was going to bring up Ramona’s drinking, but no dice. I have to admit that Ramona was staying pretty calm and cool and Jill was getting all loud, negative, and nasty. The “fight” really goes nowhere and Jill is blaming Ramona for Betheny and Jill not being able to make up. Jill ends up leaving the room and Ramona falls on the bed and starts doing some awkward shaking cry all whilst posing like she was one of Barker’s Beauties. Jill, on the other hand, is saying that she needs to call Bobby because she thinks she’s having a heart attack. I think that’s code word for, “I’m getting face work done once we wrap this season.”