Real Housewives of New York City: Horses and Sand Angels is the New Satchels of Gold

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I’m pretty sure no one will be reading this recap today as the Royal Wedding has taken over the world and, well, I blame Disney and you better start blaming them too.  Anycrumpets, if you’re a horse lover you’re going to love this crapisode of RHoNYC.  How’s that for a smooth transition?  It’s as smooth as Cindy’s gentlemen greeter, I’m sure.  Speaking of Cin-Bad, she and Sonja (who seems like she’s on enough pain killers to hault a charging bull) are meeting up to see some designer in downtown NYC who may or may not also provide $2 dollar sucky sucky on the side, you know, for added profit.  Things are already off to a rocky start as Cindy’s two front teeth have apparently fallen out.  Let’s just assume that’s better for that $2 dollar sucky sucky that I mentioned just moments ago.  Cindy cracked her teeth whilst drunkenly eating peanuts or something the night before.  Sure, that all makes sense.  To make things even classier, she’s brought some “travel veneers” with her and is asking Sonja to help her glue them to her gums or something.  Remember when you had to have a talent to be on television?  Yeah, those days are gone.  Now you just have to be able to glue teeth to your mouth.  See you all in hell.

Sonja ends up getting pissed that Cindy needs to cancel lunch plans because she needs to go to the dentist.  No really, Sonja is pissed.  Cindy tries to explain that she won’t be able to eat anything because of her teeth and Sonja tries to convince her otherwise.  During her one on one interview Sonja says that she has a friend who’s had extensive teeth worth “and she can still take steak.”  I’m sorry, what?  She can “take steak?”  What in the holy royal hell does that even mean?  Does she mean, like, vaginally?

It wouldn’t be an episode without Sad Ross making an appearance!  Seriously every time he enters a scene I can just hear the real Ross looking all glum and saying “Hiiiii” with his head down.  The only thing missing here is Marcel.  However, Sad Ross has found a new Marcel in LuAnn’s dog.  They’re all in the Hamptons and we’re learning that LuAnn lives in NYC for about 2-3 days a week and then pops on in to the Hamptons to be a mom for the remaining days of the week.  I’m sure her 15 yr old daughter will be pregnant before the season is up.  Anyway, Sad Ross is doing something really strange with their dog and at one point is holding its paws and places his forehead on the dogs forehead.  If cameras weren’t rolling let’s just say that Sad Ross would be pantsless and reaching for the jar of peanut butter.

Meanwhile, since Jill Zarin is still frolicking in Australia sans a camera crew we’re getting twice the amount of Sonja time which is fine by me.  Sonja and Kelly are going to ride horses, which ends up becoming the theme of this entire episode.  At every turn someone is on a horse or talking about a horse or f*cking a horse.  Horses, horses, horses, horses.  Sonja is trying to do tricks (or turn tricks) on her horse even though Kelly is telling her to calm down and take it easy.  And that’s when it happens.  Part karma, part the universe’s doing…the horse throws Sonja off of it and into the dirt.  My first thought was that she won’t be playing Superman anytime soon, but then I just realized that was in poor taste so I stopped thinking it and continued thinking how for the first 25 seconds I thought Kelly and Sonja were riding Cindy and her brother.

Later there’s a party at LuAnn’s house and by “LuAnn’s house” I of course mean “the house that her husband worked so hard for and lost in the divorce” and by “her husband worked so hard for” I or course mean, “17 generations above him sold someone the Suez Canal or some junk like that.”  Also, who’s buying canals?  Really?  Anyway, Cindy is trying to talk about her boring party that she’s going to have and Sonja won’t let her get a word in because she’s starved for attention, demands the camera time, and is probably bombed.  I’m not sure why Sonja is so interested in the details of this party as she already told Cindy she won’t be going to it since it’s in Quahog and is too much of a commute.  Also, isn’t Quahog a fictitious place on the Family Guy like, you know, Calcutta?  Moving on.

There’s a ton of traffic to get to LuAnn’s house of horror and so Alex is late and then, eventually, Ramona shows up.  Hooray for when Romona walks through the door.  In the same way that LuAnn should be forced to sing “Money Can’t Buy You Class” in every scene she’s in, trumpets should sound every time Ramona walks into a room.  The best part, for me, is how Ramona walks into the kitchen and just says, “I need a Pino Grigio immediately, immediately!”  This is when it hits me.  Cindy has the same fidgety mannerisms as Ramona.  She kinda bugs out her eyes, flips her hair, and blinks about 3,000 times a minute…just like My Little Ramoner.  My Little Ramoner, bombed Ramoner, I like to brush her Pinot soaked hair.

Romona ends up randomly giving a little dig towards LuAnn about her living in NYC a few days a week and then coming back to the Hamptons to be a parent.  I think she said, “So you’re a weekend mom” or something to that effect.  Ramona should be forced to eat a shoe once per episode.  Meanwhile, a drunken Cindy spills the scripted beans to Kelly that Sonja is planning some kind of “Toaster Oven” party and is going to reunite her and Ramona.  I don’t know what I’m more confused over; the fact that Sonja gives enough of a sh*t to try and fix Kelly and Ramona’s relationship, the fact that Cindy is being a rat about the plan and telling Kelly, or the fact that no one is batting an eye over Sonja having a “Toaster Oven” party.  Seriously, what?  Is this something that people (A) do or (B) care about?

The “next day” during some dog walk that raises money for rich people who walk their dogs, I guess, Sonja and Kelly spend a little quality time on the beach and Kelly confronts Sonja about her party and plan to reunite she and Ramona.  Kelly tells Sonja that she doesn’t really want to be friends with Ramona or know anything about her.  And then, well then, she just drops to the sand and starts making sand angels over and over again to avoid talking about this any more.  I was waiting for Sonja to bark that she has the worst manners and to get off of her beach but, alas, she didn’t.  I kinda miss the crazy Kelly from last season and I hate to admit this, but I’m kinda missing Jill too.  I mean, I say that now and next week when she’s back on I’m going to want to karate kick my leg through my television, but for right this second I miss her…and her potato latkes.

It’s the day of Cindy’s horse party (fitting) and Hurricane Ramona is edging up the coast.  Within 2.2 seconds of her being there she says to Cindy, “Do you have my Pinot Grigio?”  Then that’s where the fear sets into her eyes when she realizes that there’s a chance that they forgot to buy it.  You could tell that Ramona was trying to figure out a way to cut out her own liver and then wring it out over her mouth.  Is there a doctor in the house?!  She then says that she can’t drink anything else but Pinot.  Really?  It’s like she thinks she has a Pepsi endorsement or something.  Moments later Ramona is ready to start riding horses and gets all pissed off that they lady won’t let her freely ride the horse, but just slowly walk it back and forth while some instructor holds the reigns.  Ramona just yells, “Mario, I’m gonna get off.” Good old Ramona!  What a disaster.  Best on the show and, also, best in show.

Later when Ramona tries to talk to Kelly for a minute, Kelly wants nothing to do with her and immediately tells her that she’s with her daughter today so she doesn’t want to do this.  Geesh.  Ramona was just trying to talk to her, not sell her drugs.  Then, while all the “ladies” were sitting together Cindy made the mistake of asking Kelly something about the brunch that she was having the following morning and Ramona realized she wasn’t invited…so she calls her out on it and says, “I’ve invited you to everything I’ve ever had” to which Kelly just responds, “Thank you for doing that.” Poor Ramona.  They’re dumb to not invite her as most scenes she’s in actually make it to the final edit.

In the end, Hurricane Ramona is trying to confront Cindy’s creepy brother about that whole strange cigar/wedding/dead friend thing from a few episodes ago.  Her brother doesn’t want to talk to her and his girlfriend/wife is trying to block Ramona from him.  Is it just me or can you not tell the difference between Cindy and this chick?  It’s strange.  They even dress alike.  Sick son-of-a-b*tches!  Cindy ends up coming over and telling Ramona to cut it out and to not do this in front of her parents and at her party.  Ramona starts to lose her sh*t and is shaking and crying and blinking and spitting. It’s a lot.  I have to be honest, I still don’t fully understand what in the hell happened or even what in the hell is going on right now.  All I know (alls I knows) is that  the scene ended with Cindy being pissed that someone brought dip to her party…so she removes it.  Ok.

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