This isn’t the Plaza Hotel, this is LuAnn’s music vide-O. Once in a while I think that Santa Christ looks down on me and my pathetic little life and provides be with a treat. This treat, my friends (oh yeah), was this episode of of Real Housewives. The fact that almost the entire crapisode focuses on LuAnn planning and shooting a music video for Chic C’est la Vie really was priceless. Even the people who were “making” this video were priceless. Not only did the one guy appear to be a Level III, but he may or may not be a pageant dad as well. Bonus! The theme for this video, according to LuAnn, is “beauty, class, and elegance.” Seriously, why is everything about “elegance?” If she wanted this to be accurate it would be about alleged coke binges and affairs outside the marriage on both parts. If it were me I would have had her ex-husband, The Count, dressed up like Arnold Jackson and then LuAnn would have been dressed up like Kimberly Drummond and they would have been grinding to this song on what would look like a cloud in Heaven all whilst Pearl played the Banjo in daisy dukes and a Hyper-color t-shirt with two of Mr Drummond’s handprints over each breast. But that’s just me and, well, let’s face it I’m just spit-ballin’ ideas at this point. Instead they decide to play it safe and shoot this video in Atlantic City because, at the end of the day, when I think of a casino in Atlantic City the first three words that come to mind are: elegance, beauty, and class. The next three words that come to mind are: hookers, blow, and food stamps. Perhaps if Sonja ends up in the video that will be her role. Oh, and the “director” of this video says that he thinks the song is “really great” and “has a great beat” and “like what’s going on here.” Evidently money can’t buy you class or a director who knows what’s going on or where he is. My friend.
Everyone is “supposed” to be in this video, but some of the women are having a hard time with the content of the song and, therefore, they’re all claiming that their daughters aren’t comfortable with them being in it. These women include Ramona and Sonja. Ramona is claiming the Avery isn’t ok with her being in the video because LuAnn’s last video had her laying on the bed with multiple men. To be fair I’m pretty sure in LuAnn’s real life she lays in bed with multiple men but, hey, that’s just a guess. An educated guess. “Educated” meaning that I once completed a Rubik’s Cube almost all by myself. Fine I pealed the stickers off so it looks like I completed it. Fine I’m dumb. Where was I? Oh yeah, I don’t understand how Ramona’s daughter isn’t cool with her being in the video but is ok with her wearing lingerie on a highly rated cable reality show and oiling up her shirtless husband on camera. And then there’s Sonja. I mean, in this episode alone her boobs fell out of her dress twice and a few episodes ago she forgot to wear underwear and bent over in front of the camera…but she can’t be in LuAnn’s video that will take place in Dirty Jersey? Terrible.
In LuAnn’s defense what the hell is everyone terrified about? Even Alex won’t be in the video because of the “message.” I’m is be confuzed. I thought the message was “I know some words in French that may or may not rhyme.” Apparently everyone else thinks the message must be “killing, mayhem, and racist rants.” It’s not like it’s LuAnn’s daughter’s Youtube video. And if my memory serves me right at one point Alex was “spread eagle in the hallway of her husband’s hotel.” Alex is now filling us in on how she basically comes from royalty because her father owned oil fields in Kansas and they owned three homes. So, oil can by you class (oh yeah)? We learn all this as Alex, Simon, and some rando friends are cooking hotdogs on a hibachi in their backyard all whilst Francois runs around the concrete backyard and is, literally, begging for a beer. No joke. I don’t blame him. If I were him at 5 and my parents were like this I’d be hitting the bottle on the regular and really gearing up for Celebrity Rehab 2023.
Besides the music video itself, one of my favorite scenes this episode was when Ramona and LuAnn met up for lunch. Let’s have our own come to Jesus talk about this show, shall we? Half these scenes are fake. Especially this one. LuAnn sits down and immediately brings up that she heard that Ramona doesn’t want to be in her music video. Very staged. However, you want to know what isn’t staged? The fact that even though Ramona is in on this she totally thew LuAnn for a loop when she started bringing up her terrible parenting skills and how her husband cheated on her left and right during her marriage. Brilliant. The look on LuAnn’s face was priceless. At least Ramona keeps it interesting during the scripted parts. This is the Ramona that I want to be friends with and knock back a couple of hundred bottles of wine with. She keeps saying that she and LuAnn have different parenting skills and how she is a role model to Avery. I’m pretty sure Avery hates her, but that’s a different debate for a different time. As a sidenote, are any of these women embarrassed that they’ve been all discussing LuAnn’s music video like it’s something that is actually going to play anywhere besides the Internet? I mean, it’s not like MTV will be playing it. And it’s in Atlantic City for Christ sakes. If I didn’t want to be in it I wouldn’t have blamed my kids, I would have just been like, “I made a vow to myself that I would never go to New Jersey, so I can’t be in your video.”
Speaking of staged scenes, Cindy heads over to Sonja’s future ex-apartment to have breakfast because, you know, that’s what people do at 11:30 in the morning. Things go boring haywire when Cindy has to have a conference call while Sonja is trying to have breakfast that I’m almost certain was a bowl of crumbs from her toaster oven and sour milk. But, there was champagne so it was classy. Wait a second! Maybe they could have shot LuAnn’s video in Sonja’s apartment during breakfast?! Nah, I’d still stick with my Arnold Jackson and Kimberly Drummond theme. Anyway, Sonja ends up yelling at Cindy about being on a conference call and she does so, literally, while Cindy is on the phone. Imagine what the people on the line must have been thinking? Why is some crazy chick in the background yelling about toaster oven eggs? And more importantly, who makes eggs in the toaster oven when you have, you know, an actually stove just inches away.
If you’re into red-faced-secondhand-embarrassment the rest of this episode is for you, as we’re now all taken to the magical place of Atlantic City and shooting LuAnn’s video. Jill, apparently, missed the memo that she’s basically a backup dancer in this video and thinks she’s the main star and is yelling at everyone about what to do in the video. Dude, you’re 47. Stop it. The scene in the limo is making me cringe even thinking about it. They’re playing the song, shooting the video, and they’re making awkward jokes about the song being on the “radio.” LuAnn goes, “Yeah the song is on the limo radio” and then they cheers their champagne glasses as the sun goes down in the background over all the drug deals and murders currently taking place. Beauty. Elegance. Class. At one point Jill squints her eyes, looks into the camera, and does duck lips. The director is literally telling them nothing, so it makes sense to just instinctually go with your 2005 Myspace duck lips pose and hold it for a count of three. LuAnn les us know that she just got in their and did it because, “Like my friend Princess Harlow says, ‘Just go in there and do it.'” And which princess is she? Is she the Princess of the Borgata? Those words of wisdom were probably given to her on her wedding night with The Count for when she had to pleasure him with her mouth. Just my guess.
The rest of the video is just as bad and Jill is being a big B the entire time. She’s tired of walking back and forth and actually tells the director that this is the last time they’re shooting that scene. Entitlement. One scene includes Bobby Zarin for reasons that I don’t understand and they’re all at a craps table singing, dancing like moms at a wedding, and throwing chips in the air because that’s what you’re allowed to do when you live Chic C’est la Vie. I am embarrassed for everyone. Everyone. Them. Me. Us. You. America. Parts of Canada. Trinidad. 3/4s of Berlin. Everyone. I don’t know what was worse the music video or Alex, Ramona, Sonja, and Avery taking a hip-hop dance class and learning how to Dougie. I look like I have a sunburn.