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So who in Morocco is LuAnn banging that she is trying to convince everyone and their mother to go on this trip? I love how on these shows they make it seem like they’re just randomly discussing ideas for fun trips they can take and then all of a sudden they’re on a plane 2 days later. These are scenarios that I ponder on the regular because I am sans life. Other things I’m trying to figure out is if Sonja actually owns nice clothes because I’m pretty sure in every episode and every scene this entire season she always is apologizing for being in yoga clothes or gym clothes while she’s meeting someone at a restaurant for lunch and the like. It’s like you don’t have a job to go to during the day, plan better.
I also need to have a sidenote and admit that I can’t look at Sonja anymore without laughing and thinking about when she was complaining during her one on one interview that Cindy couldn’t go to lunch because her teeth were all jacked up and then she says, “I have a friend who had all her teeth worked on and she can still take steak.” Seriously, what does that even mean? All I know is that after having a full on conversation with my brilliant sister about this we will now being using “take steak” on the regular when trying to describe something being “good enough.” Example: It’s been raining for the past four days, how’s the weather where you are? Then the other person answers, “Eh, it’s ok. I mean, it can take steak.” See how that works? Moving on.
After LuAnn de Levorced calls all of her friends (oh yeah!) to invite them to Morocco everyone is all in, except Kelly who is still thinking about it. Me gusta how LuAnn had her book conveniently placed directly in front of the phone whilst she made her calls. Seriously? No one wants to buy it or read it. I mean, if someone wanted tips on being gap toothed or wearing extra large aqua blue necklaces 7 days a week then I guess her book could clear some things up. My favorite response, however, was from Ramona who is freaking the F out because she’s going to a Third World country and loves her family and is afraid she’ll never return again. Really? You think kidnappers from another country wouldn’t be sick of you in under 25 minutes? At that point they’re basically just borrowing you, not kidnapping. There’s a difference.
In “Scenes That Are Set Up” news, LuAnn and Ramona end up having lunch so that LuAnn can try to get some camera time and talk about things not related to: The French, the Suez Canal, Sad Ross, and Wine. So, she decides to awkwardly call out Ramona for getting into a fight with Jill at the Ramona Pinot Creepio party. Per usual, Ramona starts spitting and squinting and moving all over her chair whilst trying to get her point across, repeating the last thing she says two times, and doing it all while keeping her eyes closed and looking up. And then…it happens. Those friggin koala bears from Australia appear. I mean, it’s like the cursed Tiki on the Brady Bunch. Every time I see the koala bear clips I’m waiting for that Brady Bunch Hawaii music to play…Do Do Dooooo! Alas, it doesn’t but LuAnn slides the koala bear face down across the table on what I can only assume is a cigarette box. She barely will even touch it as let’s all assume she thinks that her fingers will burn from the cheap fur-like material. Do Do Dooooooo!
Later as if things can’t go more 6’s and 7’s, it’s photo shoot day for Sonja. Why is Sonja involved in a photo shoot you ask? Why because she has a new cookbook that hasn’t been written yet about toaster oven recipes. Because at the end of the day I definitely need a book to tell me to “press 4” to make a bagel. And the sad part is that there are people in this country who will line up around the block to get Sonja to sign one of her books and, well, you know what part of the country I’m talking about and, well, you know who you are. Also, I may line up as well. See you there. Anybeav, for the cover shot Sonja is wearing a gown circa 1985 as if she were an extra on Dynasty. Luckily her toaster oven isn’t anywhere in sight, but her beaver cleaver is. That’s right folks, for those of you who are keeping track at home this is officially week 2 of Sonja forgetting to wear underpants! And, as she’s basically spread-eagle in the lobby of your husband’s hotel on her dining room table, in walks Kelly to give some helpful advice for the photo shoot. Suddenly…BAM “gentlemen greeter” right in Kelly’s eye. Was it just me or did Kelly have an odd reaction to catching a glimpse of the old rusty toaster oven? Apparently, we learn later, she’s never seen one in real life before except her own and that was probably just recently when she was trying to get sand out of it after making sand-angles on the beach whilst chatting with Sonja. And enough with these pointless books. You totally know one day LuAnn’s book and Sonja’s book are going to be required “summer reading” in some Third World middle school. Get your pause button ready as we’re likely to see it next week in Morocco.
Things get a little serious when Cindy, Jill, LuAnn, and Kelly are all in some van going on some weekend trip that Cindy planned for them and Kelly admits to LuAnn that she was involved in a little Ike and AnnaMae situation in the past. As LuAnn and Kelly embrace and cry I, of course, have secondhand embarrassment, almost lapse into a coma after closing the laptop on my nuts repeatedly, and then start to try and figure out what the hell Jill and Cindy are whispering about in the back of the van as all of this takes place. Anyslaps, perhaps all those times that Kelly was literally running in traffic was more of a cry for help than an exercise regime? One may never know.
Vagina-Gate 2011 continues and while on their creepy all girls cabin trip, that includes 5 minutes of them playing the drums in a large circle of strangers whilst telling something that they think people don’t know about themselves, Kelly continues to talk to all the girls about Sonja’s Moroccan Muff from the previous night. She is so weirded out by it that even during her one on one interviews she legit can’t say “vagina” without stuttering. At one point Cindy chimes in to the story and references the Vagina Monologues, but instead calls them the Vagina Monocles. I mean LuAnn just about thought that was the funniest thing she’s ever heard since Egypt gave the Count a low-ball offer on the Suez Canal. I thought it was kind of funny, but LuAnn is doubled over laughing. This makes me sick as I can only imagine the laughs that Sad Ross must get while those two are having private time.
While all this is going on Ramona, Sonja, and Alex are at Ramona’s plastic surgeon (that appears in every season…you know Ramona is getting her work comped since the doctor is getting free advertising) to get their necks shot up with Botox and so that Sonja can get her pooch re-flattened. She should have turned over and had that machine take a couple of swipes at her ass. I mean, my eyes are still recovering from the bleach I poured in them last week after having to witness Sonja bend over without underpants. Even Alex is getting a facial since she really has to take care of herself more now that she’s a real live model! This show is F’n stupid. Also, I love it.
I honestly think I must have blacked out like Ramona on a Tuesday afternoon because I’m really drawing a blank on anything else that happened except the 25 minutes at the Anti-Bullying charity event. Maybe that is all that really happened? Who knows. Pass the Pinot.
Jill having an Anti-Bullying charity event is like me having an IBBB Stop Teen Girls From Getting Pregnant and Getting on Reality Shows charity event. First off, that title would never fit on a t-shirt and second of all…well, that’s it really. At this event Jill is making sure that everyone who comes (giggity) gets gift bags filled with expensive worldly gifts cheap crap that all the Housewives are trying to push on the American public. These items include LuAnn’s CD that she’s donated as well as pens that Jill has that says the name of her book. You know what I would use those two things for? I’d take the CD out and place it directly over my eye so that the hole of the CD is in front of my cornea. Then I would take one of Jill’s pens and stab it through my eye until the drops of blood on the floor spelled out “Money Can’t Buy You Class” because that’s how I roll. Jealous?
Not to be outdone at 11am, in walks Ramona with a legit case of Pinot Creepio that she basically plans on drinking all herself. What’s the big deal? She’s on television. Every day is a party! LuAnn decides to confront Ramona, again, about her issue with Jill and something completely out of left field that has something to do with Ramona telling a designer to not allow LuAnn to wear her designs. I’m sorry who what when where and why? Also, sometimes Y? I wasn’t following that. Next thing you know, LuAnn is telling Alex and Ramona that while she was away with the rest of the girls none of them want to go to dumb Morocco because of Ramona. After Ramona tosses out a few obligatory “Darlings” to mock the Countess, she decides to kind of walk away from the situation (most likely to get a refill). Alex, to no surprise, is calling out LuAnn for bringing the drama to an otherwise calm event. LuAnn really is kinda being a big B.I (as Ramona lovingly coined) and, just like the old Jill, the new Jill is all pissed off because Ramona brought a case of wine to the event…to drink…and not to auction off. Who cares. Just let me know what you think of the latkes (it’s. never. not. funny. to me.)
In the end, Jill’s stepdaughter Jen, gives a speech about how she was a victim of bullying when she was little because she has a large birthmark on her face and the kids used to tease her. That sucks. Kids are so mean…as are adults on reality shows. Anyway, as this chick is telling her story, Ramona is having a party with herself and drinking wine like she’s at the Last Supper and has to carry a wooden cross throughout the town the next day (was that too much…sometimes I’m never sure). She is, legit, trashed, and everyone is pretending they’re concerned for her. Please, let her drink. I mean you wouldn’t tell a volunteer to stop giving so much of their time, would you? Same thing. I think. Either way, bottoms up trashbags. And you could totally tell that Ramona was busted on trying to sneak one last drink when Jill walked in on her and she pretended she was so moved by the speech Jill’s stepdaughter gave. Is it bad that I identified with Ramona trying to pretend she wasn’t trashed by herself at that point? Ruh-roh. I mean, I didn’t think she was that drunk. She looked like she could take steak to me.
*Programming Note: Check back on Sunday/Monday for an update on the next Celebrity Twitter Bomb. Get Ready!
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