There are some things in life that bring me so much effing happiness. And those “some things” are provided by the hundreds of thousands of hours of television that I watch. Bravo is churning out “Real Housewives” seasons like spinoffs of Law & Order and, you know what, that is fine by me. What’s not ok with me is when they end. I’ve got to experience 14 craptastic crapisodes of Real Housewives of NYC and watching Ramona become the new love of my life. And just when you think she’s finished going all crazy, she tosses in a few extra 6’s and 7’s during the 3-part Housewives Reunion which may or may not be technically a mini-series.
Last week, during Part 1: Section 2: Area 1: Dialogue 7 of the reunion my favorite part, without a doubt, was when Ramona said the one thing she is truly sorry for was the mean things she said to Bethenny whilst they walked/fought on the Brooklyn Bridge. It was here that one of Ramona’s best lines was provided. It went down a little something like this:
Ramona: “That’s the one I’d like to take back the most.”
Kelly: “Oh you wouldn’t take back calling me stupid?”
Ramona: “Oh…I don’t know Kelly…..sometimes I call my daughter stupid.”
Kelly: “Ramona don’t ever call your daughter stupid.”
Ramona: “I really don’t, I just gave that as an example to make you feel better.”
Seriously, brilliant. Can she be nominated for an Emmy?
I’m waiting for the part when Ramona loses her mind, yells at Jill and screams, “Alex I was a sh*head to you, Bethenny I was a sh*thead to you, and Ramona I was a sh*thead to you too and please forgive me!” Honestly, I want that as my alarm clock. Someone make this happen.
Anyway, I finally realized why they’ve made this reunion into 3 episodes. It’s basically because they wanted to find new and innovative ways to tell Jill Zarin that America and some parts of “the Canada” think that she’s a P-Bag. I know what you’re thinking. P-Bag? But surely you mean D-Bag! I don’t. I mean P-Bag. P, as in “Potato-Latkes-Bag.” You knew it.
Seriously, Jill was the least favorite Halfway-Housewife and, personally, there were plenty of times that I was writing anonymous letters to Congress to see if it was legal to give someone the electric-chair even if they didn’t commit a crime….but Andy Cohen just kept on reading and reading and reading and reading negative viewer mail about Jill. Towards the end there weren’t even questions on his cards, just statements. It was like, “Uh, Sally from Atlanta writes BravoTV and says, ‘Jill, your box stinks.'” And then he’s like, “How do you react to that?” The answer, of course, is “nose plugs.” I was looking for “nose plugs.” Come on give Jill a break and by “a break” I mean a fresh bag of Potato Latkes.
Meanwhile, Sonja is bringing back her smutty sex talk to the girls on the couch and at one point she calls the guys she’s banged her “customers.” I thought LuAnn was going to go ass-up over the chair. How dare you refer to customers of the bedroom in front of Countess. Right, like she hasn’t snorted coke off a transvestites privates in the back of a cab leaving Chinatown. Nice try LuAnn, but we all know it’s true and by “all” I mean “me” and by “true” I mean “made up.” Still.
Blah, well during the commercial break they just showed scenes from the Part III of the reunion on Thursday and that’s when Ramona yells at Jill and stomps her foot. Fiiiiiine, I’ll watch it….again….on Thursday.
Systematic bullying. Google it. It’s Kelly’s turn to talk about her leisurely trip to “Poison Island” where she may or may not have had a breakdown. Lucky for us today is the day where Kelly’s calendar taught her the term: systematic bullying. Ole! She’s used the term about 15 times in about 2 sentences. She claims the women bullied her and then told her they loved her and then told her they were confused by her. Apparently Kelly had to get on the phone with her agent to tell him she was done with….the show? Her lunch? Her period? We don’t know because she just kind of stops mid sentence. It’s like when Vicki the Robot would just lose her battery life and freeze up. Anyway, Kelly continues her “tour of crazy” and talks of some intervention they had to have with Bethenny on the island. I’m pretty sure that isn’t overly true because, if it was, I’m pretty sure they would have aired it. Who knows? I’m confused. Now I feel like Kelly is doing “systematic bullying” on me. She does it like karate on me. I’m quick though and I sweep her leg. What?
In the end, Kelly babbles to Andy…who works for Bravo….and I think is a producer on the show….that Bravo forced her to go on the trip and she said no, but they forced her. Andy claims it isn’t true, Kelly claims it is. Here’s why I think it’s not true. If they forced me to go on the trip and I didn’t want to, do you know what the only thing I would say while the cameras were on me? “Bravo is forcing me to be here.” I would just say that over and over and over and over so they couldn’t use any of the footage. Just me? I’m wicked smaaaaht like that. So Kelly walks off the stage and we’re “to be continued” like a bad cliff-hanger of “Who’s the Boss.” Will Kelly come back? Will Kelly spontaneously combust? Will Kelly find a new way to systematic bully herself? Find out on Thursday.