The Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: Stop F’ing Chasing Me!

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  • We kick things off at Casa de Foreclosure where everyone is in a frenzy trying to get out the door so that Barney Rubble can take the girls to some karate class.  Teresa makes sure to brush the sh*t out of their hair and, like a true New Jersey trash heap, spray them down with a can of hairspray.  As a sidenote, who was Teresa banging 5 years ago because Gabriella looks nothing like the rest of the family.  I mean she whines like the rest of them so I do, indeed, see some kind of connection, but she looks more like Albie than Joe.  Just sayin’.
  • Barney must have had the night off from the Water Buffaloes Lodge No. 26 because even he is taking part in this karate class where he has to run in place and basically to Rockette kicks whilst the rest of the girls learn how to throw punches.  In the end Barney has them all beat the bag out of each other.  It turns more into street fighting/bar brawling than sparring, as the girls pull each others hair, kick each other while they’re down, and scream at the top of their lungs.  I hope one day they’re good enough to become bodyguards for Danielle.
  • Speaking of fighting, Danny and his 80’s hair takes Danielle and her daughters boxing because, let’s face it, it’s come to this.  The instructor teaches them all how to protect themselves from “attackers” and by “attackers” I of course mean “Teresa and Jacqueline.”  Danielle’s daughters actually do a great job throwing punches  as I imagine they’ve been practicing their whole lives fighting their mother.
  • Quote of the Night Alert:  During Danielle’s one-on-one interview she says the best thing I’ve heard in a long time, and I quote, “…I don’t know why you keeping saying you’re the victim?  Bitch, cuz I am.  Stop f’ing chasing me!”  I mean, can anyone nominate someone for an Emmy award?
  • Kim G’s house is insanity.  How did she make her money and who else lives there?  And more importantly, does she need me to house-sit for her while she’s out of town?  I promise not to touch any of the AquaNet, but I don’t promise to not go through all of her medicine cabinets and start looking up her drugs online.  I just want to set expectations.  Anydeadhair, Jacqueline goes over to Kim G’s compound to discuss the hair pulling incident and it’s here that we learn that Kim G is a hair delivery woman.  Apparently she delivered the pulled out strands of hair that came from Danielle’s head to her house.  Awww that’s nice.  She’s like the the opposite of the tooth fairy.  Except it’s hair instead of teeth.  And she doesn’t leave money.  And….fine, she’s not the opposite of the tooth fairy.
  • Meanwhile Teresa stops by 5-7-9 to apologize to Kim D for trashing up her fashion show the other night.  Per usual, I think Kim D is drunk or at least “on her way.”  There’s a wine glass filled with orange juice and what I can only assume is champagne or “breakfast” as I’m sure Kim D likes to call it.  Here’s the thing, it’s nice that Teresa will apologize, but there is no way Kim D would EVER be mad her Teresa since that would derail her crazy obsession she has for her.  I was just waiting for her to start roughly stroking Teresa’s hair and saying, “I’d never be mad at ya, baby.  Never.”
  • In the “Teresa Never Passed 5th Grade Moment of the Week” Teresa explains to Kim D that everything took a turn when Danielle told Teresa to not call her honey and then Teresa says, “…and then when she said my house is under foreclosed.”  Yes Teresa, having your house under “foreclosed” is wrong in some many ways and the worst way is grammatical.
  • Suddenly Kim G comes busting into 5-7-9 wearing literally everything that she has in her closet.  She looks like an Olsen Twin, but on less of a meth binge.  I love how Kim G plays both sides of the fence, but she does know that we have eyes and can see this, right?  Anycrap, Teresa lets us know that the only thing she regrets from the night of the fashion show was pushing Kim G because, “Kim G is an older lady and I respect my elders.”  Now I can’t prove it, but I’m almost certain that when Teresa said this I could hear Gia doing an aggressive z-snap in the background.  Fabulous!  Worst ever.
  • Ashley/Meg Griffin is at her boyfriends house.  Seriously this is so boring.  Imagine dating Meg?  What was Tom Tucker thinking?!
  • Teresa’s “word-o-the-day” calendar must have taught her the word “entrepreneur” because she lets us know that that’s what Joe is.  In all fairness, Teresa, he’s a lot of other things too but this is a family blog so I’m going to refrain from using words like: d*ck, c*ck-sucker, b*tch-faced wh*ore, and c*m dumpster.  Ok?  I’m classy like that.  Anyway, Barney has opened up a combination pizzeria, Laundromat,  and apartment building or “a typical city block” as the fine people of Jersey know it as.  We even get a tour of the apartments that Barney remodeled.  Oh, and by “apartments” I of course mean “Section 8 Housing and Foreclosure.”  Seriously who’s going to live there?  The place is dump and every room as a Burger King floor in it.  Gross.  Teresa, to no surprise, doesn’t want to live there.  I don’t think the camera crew would want to live there either.  Although I’m sure one day Milania and Gia will be using those apartments as a crack-den.  Fabulous!
  • Over at the Manzo farm, we learn that Albie got his letter from his old law school that will allow him to start applying to other law schools.  Wow.  Good for him!  Did that seem sincere? Neeeext!
  • Danielle and her posse of elderly bandits head to court to file charges against Meg Griffin for just basically being Meg Griffin.  Danielle’s lawyer not only looks embarrassed to be here, but also a little pissed too, especially when the majority of these charges are centered around “name calling.”  Also, I’m going to file charges against Danielle for murdering the English language.  It’s “women” when you’re talking about more than one vaginastein  and “woman” when you’re talking about just one vaginastein.  At least that’s how I was taught.  I figured this trick may help Danielle too who seems to get it wrong 11 out of 10 times.  My math may be a little off.
  • Yay!  Meg Griffin has her Meg Griffin hat on again.  Phew!  I thought she may have retired it.  Caroline, who’s become kind of pointless this season, and Jacqueline are having a sit-down with Meg to talk about Danielle filing charges in court.  Meg giggles the whole time.  I kind of wish that Sally Jesse Raphael was still on the air because you totally know that Ashely would be going to “Teen Boot Camp.”  Those were the days.  Simpler times.
  • In the end, Kim G is dressed for Spring skiing and is literally running to Jacqueline’s house holding a bunch of newspapers.  The only thing missing from this scene was “Eye of the Tiger” playing in the background.  Don’t think I wasn’t humming it though.
  • Jacqueline decides to let Kim G in, but only because it’s cold outside.  Jacqueline is pissed that Kim G and her girlfriends (like a busted Sex and the City) went to support Danielle in court.  Here’s what I like about Kim G, she admits that she’s playing both sides of the fence.  She admits it.  Brilliant.  I love people in and out of touch with reality all at the same time.  I know am!

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