We’re on Week 8 of “We Already Know You’re Going to Jail, We Just Want to Know for How Long.” Even though RHONJ is taking a hit in the ratings I’m still on for 2 reasons. (1) I want to see what the behind-the-scenes is really like and (2) I haven’t had a life since I got cut from my freshman basketball team circa 1904. It always amazes me when people feel comfortable enough to cry on camera, but this week Amber really took the top prize when she just happened to be reading Radar Online on her phone and “discovered” that Teresa and Barney Rubble would soon be taking a plea deal and going indirectly to jail/out of The America. It really was a missed opportunity when she started crying that she didn’t do her “Education Connection” hair flip. I squealed with delight when she then called up Tre and was crying, but it was even better when she just started the conversation, crying, and saying “Hi. It’s Amber. Is everything true?” Like “everything?” Does she mean, like, Santa Claus stuff and unicorns or just legal proceedings because if she’s not going to be clear we can’t be expected to follow along.
You could tell that Tre was totally like “Why the F is this random chick calling me crying…we filmed 4 scenes together” but it was actually Gia (z-snap) who actually said what we were all thinking which was “Is she crying?” and then laughing whilst looking at the camera and lighting guys. Since Teresa must think that she’s filming these scenes live and we see it as it’s happening, she tells Amber that it’s not true. Oh really? You know what lying gets you in jail? Bottom bunk. And there’s a sex joke in there somewhere. But don’t worry about these reasons why Amber is awkwardly crying on the phone because Tre has it narrowed down to two possibilities. (1) Time of the month or (2) Because she went through “the cancer.” Putting “the” in front of the word “cancer” really makes it seem like it’s a fun time. Kinda like “the Facebook” or “the Britney Spears.” Moreover, if it is “time of the month” for Amber she better stay the F away from her tomatoes or she’ll ruin her sauce. But you already knew that.
Did you get a case of the “the sads” like me when Tre was just looking at Gia and then started to tear up? I think she was looking at her like, “Will she come visit me in jail even when Bertha tattoos “Fabilini” across my forehead and “Ingredients” in a circle around me ole vagiola?” I’m not sure why I just gave Tre a pirate accent towards the end of that sentence, but it just seemed like it fit. I’m going on record stating that I think Tre is just going to get house-arrest and $27 Billion in fines. To be honest, I don’t think house arrest seems that bad. Oh the TV I would watch!
Meanwhile other things are happening outside of the court drama, but no one really cares about that. Dina, who sadly couldn’t be any more boring this season, is ranting and raving about Project Ladybug, and The Twins are distraught over the fact that Amber is texting that one guy and calling him a girl for not calling her back. I’m pretty lost with all of this, but that’s probably because I still can’t believe that Victoria Gotti spilled the scripted beans that allegedly The Twins mother, Santa, did sexy-boom-boom with Rino. I mean, she really puts the ho-ho-ho in Ho! Did I use that right? Eh, either way. At Dina’s Project Lady Bug meeting, Amber pulls Tre-bagger aside and asks her if she should tell The Twins what Victoria Gotti said or just keep her mouth shut. Tre was looking at her like she was asking her the formula to make homemade jet fuel. Also, did Amber say that she believed that’s something that Santa would really do? I’m pretty sure she did. It’s strange because when Amber isn’t talking at the level of a fog horn, I can barely hear her. As a side note, all the ideas that “the team” brainstormed for the Project Lady Bug fashion show were terrible. Old Hollywood? Original. Plus, the little kids are the ones walking in the fashion show so Old Hollywood to them is, like, Lindsay Lohan or the La Abuelita from Dora the Explorer. Pass.
Later (or before, I forget), Dina and Melissa decide that they want to take Teresa to Florida to get away from the crappy snow and they’re sure to let her know on camera that they’re the ones paying for it. We get it. Teresa is all excited because she admits she has a lot legal things going on lately. Oh really? We hadn’t heard. Speaking of which, the remainder of the episode consisted of Teresa laying on her bedroom floor and trying to read from the Bible out loud. I felt bad because she kept on struggling with the words. Also, listening to her try to whisper the “Our Father” was everything I dreamed it would be and more. I especially loved when she said “Please God, we need protection…Joe and I.” It’s like, thanks for using your names or God would have probably protected the chickens in the backyard. I’m kidding. The dogs killed them all. And by “the dogs” I mean “Milania.” Fabulous!
By the very end, Tre and Joe headed to court to plead guilty to not know how to do long-form math. Bravo really made this look official by showing footage of Guiliana Rancic from E! News reporting on the story. I would have taken it more serious if they went back to that Matt Lauer clip, but I’m mature like that. Also, when the Guidice lawyer read that statement “from Teresa” I didn’t believe she wrote that for one second….except at the end when I KNEW it was going to say, “my four beautiful daughters.” Also, why am I nervous for them? Moreover why am I nervous for Rino? Is it because he told his wife that it’s up to the judge and his “mullet?” America!