RHONJ Recap: The One Where Everyone Dresses Like Sluts and Pulls Hair


Well I’m officially back from vacation and am trying to remember how to type and form sentences so bear/bare/beer with me whilst I recover from numbing my brain with sun and booze.  Also, by the time I got back to my apartment my DVR was on fire.  Apparently I recorded a lot of bad reality shows.  You’re welcome Bravo!  Anyjunk, this week’s episode of RHONJ consists of Teresa and Joe’s “long goodbye” as they await the news if they’ll be making marinara in a prison toilet for the next 50 years.  I feel like I keep saying the same thing, but this season it’s really refreshing to watch something on this show that is somewhat real.  As opposed to Tre saying, “Everything is fine!” in every episode she basically cries in every episode.  As would I.  Except in place of tears running down my face, sh*t would be running down my legs for all my waking hours.

Per usual, Tre is coming up with another product line and this time it’s desserts and, of course, it’s called something like Fabulicous.  #Terrible.  Whilst Tre may slap her name on anything, at least she ends up taking it to market unlike Sonja from RHONY and, yes, I’m still waiting for that damn toaster.  You know who’s really going off the deep end these days?  Milania?  I’m not sure why Tre is just picking up on all this now, but Milania screams everything.  If she didn’t look so much like Tre I would assume she was Amber’s daughter.  That girl is going to wear out her talk box.  Speaking of Amber.  I can’t.  My sister hit the rusty nail on the pin head when she said that she can’t watch any of the interview scenes with Amber because it reminds her too much of Maya Rudolph in that Bronx Beat sketch on SNL.  I dare you to watch it and never look at Amber the same way again.  It’s comedy cold.

Everyone heads over to Tre’s house (see what I did there?) to celebrate the fact that she can make cupcakes and Amber seems to get sauced and then cries over Tre having to possibly go to the slammer for a spell or two.  She then makes Tre start to tear up and then her kid (who looks like no one) asks why she’s crying.  Tre just explains that she is just “playing.”  She better start coming up with some better lies than that if she expects to not become Marge’s lez-lover behind bars.  Although she does say that all she does is “love love love” so maybe she’s into it.  Imagine 10 years after her prison sentence Tre has, like, tear drop tattoos on her face and shaved head?  Please let the world still be around when this happens!

Later a bunch of the guys go bowling since they’re all too small to ride the rides at an amusement park and one of the new guys spills the beans that Amber’s husband, Jim, didn’t want to go to the guys night because he’s afraid to be around people who are being indited for a variety of things.  He’s also scared that Barney and Doozer will play “hot hands” with his face.  I loved how they invited Rosie to the guys night of bowling.  I love, even more, however that she’s somehow spouted a comb-over this season.  Ever since she lost all that weight she’s like a whole new woman.  A woman that, given the right circumstances, could potentially help scissor Teresa’s way to freedom if it was ever needed.  Whilst bowling one of the guys (I’m not good with names) decides that he and one of the orange Olsen Twins is going to throw a party to raise awareness for First Responders.  Mind you they’re not raising money, they simply want to let people know that these things exist.  I plan on having a similar party, but for bank tellers.  In this case everyone is supposed to dress up like a first responder, which of course means that most of the women will slut it up.

If you recall (since they show the scene 6 times per episode) Amber told Melissa on camera that she heard that Nicole (the twin) actually was responsible for breaking up a marriage and that’s why she’s divorced.  Melissa then told Nicole about this and she plans on confronting Amber at the First Responder party.  Makes sense.  Amber is totally out of the loop on all of this since she’s busy making a horrific commercial with her husband and kids about his business.  For those of you who haven’t seen it yet, it’s basically like that Education Connection commercial that Shannon Doherty did 2 years ago….but way worse…and with horse hair.  It was great to hear Amber tell Melissa that she’s been “acting” a lot lately.  The only thing I want to see her in is an episode of Law & Order where she’s laying on the street in a pile of her own sick.  I’m kidding.  I, of course, do not watch scripted television (except for reruns of The Hills).

It’s finally time for the party and everyone slutted it up with the exception of Dina (who wore hospital scrubs) and Barney who just wore a suit because, well, the boys in prison would poke fun at him otherwise.  Also, they’ll just simply poke him.  With their penises.  Was that not clear?  I really like Dina but is it just me or does she seem to not want to be on this show at all?  Anyway, once at the party Amber finally arrives in some kind of Catwoman suit (minus the ears) and goes over to say hi to The Twins, in which shenanigans ensues.  Nicole (or the other Twin…no idea) calls out Amber about what she said to Melissa and next thing you know Amber morphs once again into Sam Kinison and wants them all to go outside to discuss this.  I believe she actually yelled, “You two..leeeeets go!”  Somehow these grease-balls ended up grabbing each others hair and throwing wine, which I believe they’re contractually obligated to do.  Apparently Nicole pulled out some of Amber’s hair.  Truth be told it just looked like a hairball.  Kinda like what you’d find in your pool filter mid summer.

In the end, Amber and Jim go to leave with some woman that they never introduce.  Suddenly the basement fight is brought upstairs to the kitchen when Doozer asks Jim why he doesn’t want to hang out with them.  Jim whispers into Doozer’s ear “because I’m friends with the guy who’s prosecuting your brother-in-law you dumb f**k.”  He should have then ducked by the Peewee Herman Word of the Day was “dumb.”  Things heat up and are taken outside where that little weasel Jim basically cries and says if they hit him he’ll have them arrested.  He was just missing the z-snap.  I don’t care what the ratings say…ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ this season.

Oh.  One thing I don’t care about is Dina’s dating life.

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