RHONJ Recap: The One Where Everyone Blows a Horse for 45 Minutes

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Happy Labor Day, my American friends!  For those of you reading this “over the seas” and don’t know what Labor Day is, it’s basically the time when the 3 Wise Men rode their Segways throughout middle America trying to track down Lewis and Clarke so that the Tooth Fairy could let us know if we were going to  have an Indian Summer or not.  At least, that’s how the Bible describes it.  Anyway, everyone has today off.  This recap will provided in 2 parts.  Here’s the first part:

We spend 45 minutes watching “The Italians” force a horse to lift its leg.  Later, Joe Giudice soaks his 3rd trimester stomach in the hot tub in order to make a traditional douche stew all whilst admitting that he’s scared to go to jail due to “motor vehicle issues and lawyers, whateverthehell.”  Yep, that is literally all that happened.  However, since I know you all will yell at me for not recapping this (friendly reminder this sh*t is free so just be grateful I am sans life, ok?) here is the extended version.

We’re still in the state of Arizona, which evidently wasn’t lost during a recent war with Mexico and Cabo San Lucas.  The gang is ready for more trust falls and ancient traditions that will help further the stereotypes of those from Jersey.  Oh, and if you recall Jacqueline is convinced that Teresa’s statement about “karma coming back to your kids based on your actions” was geared towards her.  Moreover, both she and Chris believe that Tre thinks that Nick has autism because Jacqueline is a b*tch bag.  I mean.  If you are going to try and convince me for one second that Teresa was smart enough to put any of that together on her own, you’re wasting your time.  You totally know she’s just using the word “karma” because it was the Word-of-the-Day on her Ziggy calendar.  Obviously last weeks word was “moving forward.”  And the week before that was “be a family again.”

Either way for the next 45 minutes (I’m not joking) we’re forced to sit and watch the cast interact with a horse and a man who I can only assume is Wilford Brimley lead the entire exercise.  This guy is no joke and won’t take any crap from anyone.  I as scared.  At one point I just yelled out, “Ok!  I’ll eat my Quaker oatmeal!”  I guess the point of the exercise is to get the horse to lift its leg simply by grabbing the leg and pushing a little.  Once the horse lifts the leg then you use a little tool to clean its hoof.  Yawn.  Richie is making his typical Bazooka Joe jokes, you know, the ones that 1st graders tell to impress their friends and the horse guy totally calls him out on it and claims that he just makes jokes so that he never has to feel things that are really bothering him.  Yipes.  Thank God I wasn’t there.  One look at this blog and the horse would have tipped over, sh*t its pants, and died on me.

I have to admit, after a lengthy thought process I truly believe I’m more interested in watching a horse for 45 minutes than any of the Manzo children.  And things got real once Rosie went up there.  She thought she was probably there to arm wrestle the horse and then, you know, scissor it to a slow death but Wilford Brimley called her out on being scared because she thinks she’s never been good enough.  Awww Rosie.  I don’t feel like a cutie-patootie when Rosie gets a case of “the sads”  Perhaps now would be a good time for her to sneak a swig from that Whiskey flask that she most likely strapped to the horse’s other leg.  I actually felt bad for Ro Ro because she thinks that she isn’t good enough to love and is never going to find someone to be with.  She should probably call her mom.  I’m pretty sure she’s single, right?  I mean her dad did just contact them from the grave via the medium from last week, so, oh I don’t know maybe her mom would be up for a night of dancing or something?  Expand your horizons.

Melissa is being a real horsey face and not wanting to really take part in any of these reindeer games.  Wilford Brimley wants no part of her bad attitude and even calls her walk something along the lines of a “Whore’s stroll” as she makes her way to the horse.  To no surprise, the horse won’t move its leg and Melissa gives up.  Maybe she should have sang “On Display” to it?  That always gets my moving my feet.  Doozer Gorga isn’t any better and, oddly enough, comes up to just the right height of the horse’s ding-dong.  They end up calling up Tre who legit  freaks the F out over having to do anything with the horse at all.  She tries for about 2 seconds and then literally runs away screaming.  Caroline (nose up) is not stunned that both Melissa and Teresa were not able to get the horse to move.  The horse senses authenticity and, clearly, cannot understand their high pitched squeaks.

Just when it’s Kathie and Richie’s turn, Barney’s phone rings and he takes it and walks away from the group.  I was like, “Yes!!!”  He’s talking a little baby talk and Tre goes running over to him.  I started my prayer circle in hopes that he was going to say his famed line, “Oh here comes my b*tch of a wife.  She is such a c**t.”  But alas, he just says, “Here comes mommy.  We pet a horsey!”  Ugh, times they-are-a-changin’.   It was just the kids, but apparently no one “good” because they never put them on speaker phone.  I felt bad for Kathie because every time the cameras go up for her scenes, people either bail or aren’t paying attention.  Wilford Brimley makes it known that Kathie is sad inside and needs to be happy.  She should have given the horse a cannoli.  However, she didn’t need to because the horse lifted its leg for her as well.  More importantly, what’s with her ever changing Carmen San Diego hats?  This practice needs to stop immediately if not sooner.

Next up is Caroline and Al…or “Caal” as no one calls them.  If they were smart they would open up a moving company in the city and combine their names and call themselves “Alca-Haul” and the like.  You’re welcome Caroline, that first one is on me.  Moving on.  Al says about 2 words and suddenly Wilford Brimley was like, “Your eyes are like mine.  Can I ask you something?  Were you abused?”  Is it wrong that instantaneously my first thought was, “Ohhhh I bet he was and that totally explains the weight issues and why he works around the clock!”  But then I guess they must have said “not sexually” just “emotionally” because Al admits to it and drops a tear or two.  I was surprised that Caroline didn’t start doing her combo cry/laugh all whilst saying, “I can’t!”  like she usually does.  Either way, that’s enough honesty for the horse and it lifts its leg for Alca-Haul.

Finally it’s time for Barney Rubble to waddle his way up to the horse.  Wilford Brimley is utterly confused by him, but is intrigued enough to ask what he’s so afraid of.  I believe Joe explained it this way, “Uh, you know, everyone is scared of sumthin’ so, you know, I don’t know.  Like motor vehicle stuff, you know, I don’t know and lawyers and stuff so, you know, whateverthehell.”  Look.  The fact that everyone is like, “Oh wow Joe admitted he was scared of the DMV issue…is amazing.”  Wait, really?  DMV issue?  Yeah, no offense but that “DMV issue” is actually the silver lining in all of his legal troubles.  Let’s talk about the little tax issue that the government is interested in following up with.  Yeah, that’s about a 50-year sentence.  The “DMV issue” is technically “the good old days” at this point.  Alas, the horse lifted its leg.

Oh and Jacqueline took part in this exercise too.

Later that night things turn into that episode of the Brady Bunch when they all watched the “Indians” put on a dance for them all whilst beating a drum…you know…before Bobby and Cindy got lost in the Grand Canyon and everyone had to go looking for them for 30 minutes all while yelling over and over again, “Bobby?  Cindy?  Bob-by?  Cin-dy?”  Ahhh it’s like I can hear it all over again in my little brain.  Simpler times.  I just hope someone is shoving hot dogs and beans into the back end of the flash light.  Most likely, Rosie.

In the end, Barney and Tre get into the hot tub and talk about jail time without having to technically talk about jail time.  Barney really doesn’t want to have to go since he didn’t “murder anyone” or do anything that bad, but they both leave it in the hands of God.  Um, yeah.  I’m pretty sure God is like, “Yep, jail.”  He should see if he can get a pullout couch for Milania, you know, for once she enters the prison system.  Oh, and Teresa and Jacqueline did another burning ceremony and are friends again…for now.

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