RHONJ Recap: Hurricane Sandy Missed a Few

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Is it too soon for Hurricane Sandy Duncan jokes?  I’d assume “no” but I am typically sans social graces.  We’ve finally arrived to the season finale of The Real Housewives of New Jersey so that can only really mean one thing; we are ready for the fist-fight to end all fist-fights.  Watching the tall-challenged throw punches at each other with dwarf arms and well manicured beards and mustaches really makes me feel like God is smiling down at us and thinking, “Now this is why I created all of you.”  Here’s the thing, however.  The fight at Posh 2 was basically a dud and pretty much because I’m almost positive that they edited the majority of the fight.   I thought I read somewhere (aka had dreams about) that Jacqueline beat Johnny the Greek over the head with her high-heel and Chris finally threw a punch on camera.  Was this not what happened?  Yeah none of that was shown.  All we did see was cheap flammable clothes on rusty metal racks being tipped over and middle-aged women wearing outfits that weren’t even in style during the In Living Color “fly-girls” days screaming at the top of their lungs.  At one point The Children Manzo are holding Caroline back as she is screaming, “Are you happy what you’ve done to this fam-i-ly?”  What in the holy hell was going on?  All this because Penny said that Teresa was playing the puppeteer with all the trash bags in Jersey?  Who cares?  If she hadn’t been involved in these kind of shenanigans we’d be forced to watch 45 minutes of Manzo kids trying to “make it” in New Jersey and even more time of Kathie stuffing her cannoli  Hey-oh!

Once again I believe so much of this fight was edited out because “the next day” Doozer  has a case of the sads because of what took place the night before and how he now knows his sister was behind all the “cheating” and “stripper rumors” that I’m pretty sure we confirmed 3 seasons ago.  Alas, we’re still talking about it.  All he really wants is for Teresa to admit what she’s done so that they can all…wait for it…wait for it…”move forward and be a family again.”  Actually, can she not because I don’t think these manicotti boxes deserve to be together. Just move on…away from each other.  Try a different state.  One that God Himself isn’t trying to blow off the map.  I hear Delaware is pretty this time of year.  Perhaps a part-time job at Target doing customer service would be good for your blood pressure?  I mean, I’m not a doctor but I once  put a band-aid on so same/same.

Later we get to walk down the worst path of memory lane that ever existed.  You guessed it, Caroline is walking all throughout her house and we get to watch scenes of her children from the past 5 years.  We also get to see Caroline in her traditional Ma’am Paupadopolis haircut and Juicy sweatpants.  So that was a win.  From walking throughout the house Caroline decides that she and Al will not be living in an apartment in in Hoboken after all.  They want to keep the house and watch Lauren miserably trot down the front stairs in her wedding dress.  Sounds like a plan.  Don’t include America in that, if at all possible.  Also, you mean to tell me that the whole “Hoboken apartment” storyline was pretty much made up this season?  Shocking.  If I find out Kathie’s cannoli storyline was also made up I will deny citizenship and move to Italy with Joe Giudice (court ordered).

The remainder of the crapisode centers around Jacqueline convincing Teresa that she needs to admit to what her role has been in the “rumor” situation from the past 3 years.  Teresa claims she finally gets it and would like to admit to something.  She admits to “listening to the wrong people” and when people would talk badly about Melissa she “liked it.”  So Teresa feels like if she could do things over she “wouldn’t listen to those people.”  Ok so, yeah, she didn’t really admit to anything.  That’s like Hitler basically saying, “In retrospect, I wouldn’t have grown that mustache.”  However, this seems to be enough for Jacqueline and she’s ready to “move forward.”  However, there is one more person she needs to talk to…and that’s Doozer.  And she might as well do it at the Brother’s Manzo BLK flavored water flavor taste test.  What a new and unique way to kick us in the nuts one last time this season!

Tre does, in fact, talk to Doozer at the taste testing by pulling him aside and saying, “Hey I want to show you something.”  Uh, what?  Is she going to flash him?  They’re at the BLK offices (side-eye) so what could she possibly want to show him?  The conference room, apparently.  She ends up admitting to him the same exact thing she admitted to Jacqueline, that she was just listening to the wrong people.  Once again, that was enough for Doozer and Teresa turns on that high-pitched-squeak-cry that’s she’s pulled out this season.  They hug and then are finally ready to “move forward.”  Now they didn’t say this, but I assume they just went to Sizzle Tans after that.

In the end, everyone heads back to the Jersey Shore to shoot one last scene at Teresa and Barney’s summer home that is almost rebuilt.  I mean, there are new walls and some flower baskets around, but who am I to judge?  Tre can’t believe that everyone is actually at her home, mainly because she tried to destroy them all.  Alas, they are and they’re all having a fun time.  We get to see what everyone has been up to in a freeze-frame and, well, no one is really doing anything.  Melissa and Doozer moved 30 minutes away from Teresa.  Caroline and Al are still in their house.  Kathie is building her dream home (good luck funding that when you get the ax next season) and then there is Tre and Barney, which includes “news clips” of them being indited on 39 counts and possibly facing 50 years in prison.  I know it’s bad but I’m already psyched for next season.  I hope Bravo does us right and follows this “actual” storyline every step of the way.  If they need a reporter “in court” I’m their douche!  Bring on the 16-part reunion special!

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