If it’s one thing we can all relate to, it’s never humiliate someone enough that they’re embarrassed to show their spray-tanned face at the local Dunkin Donuts. For those of you reading this in the parts of the world where Dunkin Donuts doesn’t exist, first off, hi Tajikistan (!) and second, Dunkin Donuts is basically a modern day diabetes factory…that also serves coffee. One of the twins (I believe Mary-Kate) is overly upset that Amber snapped her fingers at her life a dog and feels like she’ll never talk to her again. That should totally make the remainder of the season fun to watch. It’s like we’re all going to be a bunch of Helen Keller’s. Meanwhile once we’ get out of their musty basement with wood paneling (ooh la la) Doozer is all in Jim’s face about calling him a dumb f*ck. I’m not sure why that’s a problem as calling someone a dumb f*ck in Jersey is actually one of the oldest mating ritual traditions there is. Check your Bible. It’s in there.
Here’s the thing about Jim. He’s that guy in High School that we all knew that was probably really quiet and spent most of his days living in his locker. Plus, he’s the shortest of all the Jersey men so there’s that. Today, however he’s apparently this mortgage lawyer who can sue people because his friend is Judge Judy? I have no idea. Legit I can’t follow it, but I assume that if you grew up watching The People’s Court in NJ you are automatically given a license to sue people on the regular. The good news is that even though Barney appeared to be multiple sheets to the wind, he was smart enough to know to stay in the kitchen and far away from the altercation that was taking place outside. Although, if you’re potentially going to prison for 50 years, what’s another 5 year sentence? Lickity-split! Moreover, Jim is such a little weasel by saying things like “give me my personal space…it’s called etiquette” when Doozer was all in his face.
Later, Amber and Jim head back into the partaaay because she forget her keys and portions of her hair. Tre-bagger decides to calmly chat with them to find out why Jim doesn’t want to be around Barney and Dooze. He tries to explain time and time again why he can’t be near them, but Tre, Melissa and Dina don’t seem to understand. Honestly, I don’t either and I do have an IQ above 12 (but below 14). After Jim talked down to Dina she went from a place of zen to telling Jim that he’s Amber’s b*tch and then motioned with her hands as she said to Amber “stick it up his ass, Amber!” THIS is the Dina that I like. I mean, overall I like people who go directly to smut when they’re backed against a wall. Also, I didn’t put my Closed Captioning on during this scene as I don’t believe in reading, but did Nicole tell someone that Jim as gay? Oh Jesus, Andy is going to flip his Mr. Potato Head snap-on hair over that comment during the 17 part reunion!
The only way to really diffuse a Jersey brawl and try to change the accurate stereotype is to insert additional scenes with Barney buys chickens for his kids. Gross. Everyone is freaking out because the chickens smell and sh*t all over the place but, in their defense, so does Milania. Allegedly. Love, love, love. It’s like how broke do you think you’re really going to end up when you’re showing your wife that chickens lay eggs to which you can use each and every day to make breakfast. It’s like, “ I’ll be in prison and you all will be living in a rusted out dumpster, but at least you can have scrambled eggs with a side of rabies-browns.” More like scambled eggs. Hey-oh! I should end the recap right here. But I won’t. Spoiler Alert: Later that night two of the dogs got out, broke into the chicken coop and killed the chickens. Gia (z-snap) freaked the F out and called her parents whilst locked inside the coop begging for help. The odd part was that they “cut to” that scene really quickly but never showed it in its entirety. I mean, I could watch 60 minutes of footage of Gia eye-rolling and panicking whilst locked in a chicken coop every single week and, well, I know you could too or you wouldn’t be here.
Now let’s talk about the lady in the chicken farm upstate because, well, if not I’m forced to discuss Dina’s terrible date or her tattoo with Lexi. Barney, Rosie and Milania head upstate to replace the chickens that the dogs killed and the lady who was giving them the chickens was bat sh*t. I laughed on the inside (LOTI) when she kept calling Rosie a variety of boys names. It’s like if she’s not going to wear pink then how are we supposed to know she has two breasts and one vagina? We can’t just guess that sh*t! Either way, it was touching when Rosie and Barney smoked cigars on the farm together and Rosie told him that she’s there for him, is only a phone call away, and can provide tips and tricks for lez prison sex, you know, if he ever needs it.
In the end, Nicole’s boyfriend Bobby is no longer friends with Amber and Jim (I hate that I know all their names) as this was decided on camera in the kitchen…awkwardly. And so Amber decides to meet up with Melissa to confront her on her role in this whole mess. As much as I have to admit I like how Amber speaks up (loudly) she has been trying to pick apart everything and anything that Melissa does. Plus, she talks about “the cancer” way too much. When Amber is confronting Melissa (whom I can no longer distinguish between J Lo) she keeps saying that she told Melissa that rumor about Nicole in confidence and she should have never opened her mouth. Melissa tries to explain it but never says the one thing that would make the most sense which is, “We are on a f*cking television show…what else are we supposed to do?!” Plus, Amber said it on camera so it’s not like Nicole would never hear it unless she lost the miracle of hearing and sight. Melissa finally suggests that they all sit down with Nicole to smooth things over and Amber just say, “uh uh, never happening” and then she puts what I assume is the bread from the table into her purse…and they both leave.
I’m sorry, when is sentencing? And we’ll all be there right?