Happy first Monday after the 4th of July! I’m as fried as the sausage that Teresa and her family were making in the filthy garage. Like any episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey it’s important that we hit as many Italian stereotypes as we can. If you’re playing RHONJ Bingo at home like I am, I’m sure you stamped your card as soon as Tre’s dad, Giacinto, (Italian for: Gia is Pissed) started making 800 lbs of sausage. For real, it was gross. Although if there was ever the perfect opportunity to get rid of the one who looks like she heads up the Lollipop Guild, well, now’s your chance. I feel like making all that sausage is as stereotypical as saying that your Irish relatives come over every Sunday and drink through their own 30-pack. That, however, would be hurtful if it wasn’t so true. Either way, Tre ends up spending most of her episode trying to explain to everyone what the hell a “retreat” is all about. No joke, no one has any idea. Something tells me they all think it has to do with foreclosure or high cholesterol. And in some ways, my friends, it does. Since Tre’s hairline is a walking dictionary she continuously explains a retreat as “you know how you do trust falls?” and then she tries to catch someone. At one point she even goes after Barney Rubble whilst Gia (z-snap) just looks with such disgust that her face leads me to believe she thinks she can catch some of daddy’s pending prison sentence just by watching this trust fall take place. As an important side note, can you imagine how much (puke) extra dark hair (vomit) from their arms (burp) and head (throw-up) and other places (dry-heave) must be in that sausage? They could pretty much use Tre’s ponytail strands to tie up the sausage links. Fabulous!
I was trying to figure out why Melissa was filming scenes with a couple of rando chicks that we’ve never seen before. Thank God for that home video footage from “the wedding” that they keep shoving down our throats on the regular or we never would have known who Jan was. I mean, Red Flag #1 is that her name is Jan. I actually made it a rule/law years ago that I would never trust any person under the age of 42 named Jan…for obvious reasons that have to do with freckles, lemons, and a black wig. You know what I;m referring to. Either way, Melissa is squealing like a pig in heat over her excitement about her book deal. Her friends are tossing some serious side-eye her way and looking at each other like they both realized they’re each getting poked with pitchforks under the table by producers. I wouldn’t be surprised if the camera panned out and you saw the producer holding up a picture of a puppy begging for change on the subway, holding a tin can, and wearing Blue-Blockers and using a walking stick. I also wouldn’t be surprised if there was someone off-camera just constantly yelling “React! React! React!” every time Melissa finished her sentence. These chicks don’t care that Melissa is on display, on display, on display…each and every day, every day, every day. And the rest of The America doesn’t care that her book is about how to have a successful and hot marriage. I thought the point of marriage was so that you could afford to buy a home, get some free dishes and blenders, and then lead a miserable life until Jesus provided sweet release at the ripe old age of 92? Perhaps me and a little book called The Bible were wrong? Doubtful.
Later it started making sense why we were introduced to Jan because we get to see her again when she shows up to Kim D’s “luncheon” at some restaurant where they basically name it after an ingredient…or ingrediences. God forgive me (for this and a whole scroll-length of other sins), but the women around this luncheon table were biggity-busted. I actually blurted out, “Hey! A whole table of facia brutas!” I may or may not have also shouted “Ole!” Spoiler Alert: I did. These women were basically the kind of chicks you went to high-school with who were popular at the time, had a small handful of pregnancy scares, a sprinkle of abortions in the bathroom at the Prom, and then never married and became bitter-over-tanned-middle-aged-monsters who still dress like the late 80’s/early 90’s and still show up at “da club” on the regular and give handies in line for the bathroom. You know the type. So to make a long story longer, Jan was there as well. Suddenly she has jumped ship from Team Melissa and within seconds of sitting down they’re already talking about some random dude that Melissa allegedly has blown. I said “allegedly” out of respect for Rosie/I’m scared of her and know if she finds me on the streets of NYC she’ll beat the bag out of me and I’ll be forced to blog with one hand. She’ll also pin me down and give me her haircut, which if I let air-dry on a humid summer day would already sorta kinda look like the one she sports. Where was I? Ah yes, so Melissa blew some dude and Teresa looks confused (in general and in this situation). Kim D looks like she’s loving it. I think Kim D should add a couple more extensions to her stringy head because it really is starting to look like natural hair, you know, the way Chia Pet hair looks like actual grass. Same/same.
While all of this is going on (I guess) Kathie is fighting for air-time so she invites Jacqueline (who is also fighting for air time) to go to some store they are calling a “boutique” but really looks like a sample sale at Dress Barn. It was nice to see Kathie out of her mom jeans in her test kitchen and out buying new clothes and talking on the phone to Teresa. To speed things along, Tre is inviting Kathie to the retreat and, per usual, explaining what trust-falls are. Somehow that explanation morphs into how Jacqueline is the devil and suddenly Jacqueline grabs the phone out of Kathie’s cannoli-stained hand and starts talking really fast and really loud to Teresa all whilst Teresa keeps repeating back “la la la la la.” Honestly, they’re both the worst but, you know, at least Teresa has a story line. Jacqueline, on the other hand, is still bringing up crap from last season and, more importantly, keeps trying on clothes that are made for someone half her age. Also, will she been transforming into an actual horse by the end of the season because, if so, I may want to rent her for my niece’s birthday party. You know, let kids ride her around the yard and whatnot. On the real, stop getting face work done. Grow old gracefully like Caroline. At least with Caroline she still looks the same as she did from season 1 (minus some weight) but with Jacqueline it’s like, “Did you start the episode as a Korean race horse because I don’t recall seeing you swat flies away from your a** with your tail.” I’m not sure how much of that made sense, but I’m sun-burnt and sleepy-pants. Either way, Jacqueline is running around the store on the phone screaming and laughing like a lunatic and everyone there looks like they hate her. I think one woman called her crazy. Speaking of which, why isn’t Bynes on this show? Missed opportunity, Andy.
Since we can’t spend all 60 minutes being quizzed on what trust-falls are we get to get side-tracked with Melissa, Doozer, Kathie, and Richie going to an “exotic” dance class. Someone please replace my Patanol with Clorox because I’ve seen enough already. Watching Kathie and Richie try to walk sexy is like watching a nun lick the ketchup off a hot dog. It’s just all kinds of wrong. Plus it makes me itch. I honestly have no clue why Kathie and Richie (or Jacqueline for that matter) are even on this show anymore. However, if that secures Rosie’s spot each week, well, then I’m willing to take one for the team. I did chuckle a smidge when Melissa was demonstrating how Richie tries to crawl sexy on the floor and just drags her body across the room with her arms and goes, “It’s like he was shot in the leg.” I laughed and then was like, “prove it.”
Nowhere Else to Mention This Segment: Caroline thinks her marriage worked so well because she never really saw her husband. Um, no that’s why the concept of Santa works so well because you never really see him. There’s a difference. That’s all.
In the end, that chick that has 17 sets of bottom teeth ends up meeting up with Melissa to spill the beans on Jan spreading BJ rumors about her at lunch…and then she later meets back up with Teresa to tell her that she spilled the beans to Melissa, but really only did it to gain her trust so she would eventually give her her house listing. She said it was a “good business decision to gain her trust” but I think she’s confusing business with Teresa explaining what trust-falls are all about. Perhaps she should have just leaned back and see if anyone could catch her without her teeth shooting through the back of her head. For real, she has the kind of teeth and mouth that kids whose moms drank during pregnancy have and, well, that gives me a case of the sads. In the “end end” Melissa, Doozer, Kathie, Richie, Jacqueline and Chris head out for drinks and “just happen to run into Kim D.” It’s like Bravo doesn’t even try anymore. It’s like all 8 seasons of Full House where just any old ideas would get green-lit. Melissa confronts Kim D about the blowing allegations and they tell her that when people start talking about Melissa, Kim D should say “Stop! I don’t want to hear this.” Legit like a 2 year old learning to count, Kim D just says, “Oh. Oh, ok. Yeah I’ll try that out. Ok.” I say the reunion show should replace the couches with individual electric-chairs and just let the chips fall where they may.
This crapisode was a snooze, but I’m all amped up for next week when the fist-fight takes place and we get to hear the obligatory “yous sons-a-b*tches” yelled out of the mouths of strangers in the background with blurred out faces. Can’t. Wait. #JerseyStrong
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