RHONJ Recap: Calm as a Cucumber with a Hedgehog Hairline

rhonj-kim-d-2013 rhonj-melissa-dancing rhonj-victoria-gotti rhonj-penny-hair

I’d like to place an order.  Yeah, I’d like a large Italian sub with no tomatoes and no hots.  How much is that?  How long will that  be?  End scene.  Also, and scene.  I can honestly say that each week the Real Housewives of New Jersey is on I always want an Italian sub.  Always.  Well once I had the flu and may have Shasta’d out an Italian sub, but who can keep up really?

This week is what I like to call the “filler week.”  What that means, boy and girls, is that they’re just going to throw together a bunch of random scenes for 45 minutes and then in the last 15 minutes we may get to see a fist fight.  Although, that really is what every episode this year has been like.  I can’t wait for next season when we get to see the real story-line, which consists of Teresa and Joe getting a cavity search and Milania heading off to the local orphanage.  It is a hard knocked life.  Either way, if you love watching Melissa “sing” this really is the crapisode for you.  Melissa and Doozer head on out to Orlando to stay at Johnny Wright’s compound.  Big names like N’SYNC, Britney Spears, and the Back Street Boys have also been to this compound when they were just starting out.  So, just to save time let’s just call this compound “Pedophile Manor.”  Sure it shares the same name as the house on Jersey Shore, but since that show is finished I think it’s ok to share it with another location and what better location than Orlando, Florida!  Maybe this will finally put Orlando on the map.  Moving on.  Melissa is going to have to sing at the local radio station to see if she qualifies for some summer concert that will be seen by 150,000 people.  Wow.  150,000?  I may not be great with the math, but I’ll just assume that it’s about 1/10th of the weekly Real Housewives audience.  But first a vocal coach needs to work with Melissa in order to let her know that her voice sounds like the screams of terror coming from the follicles disappearing from her husband’s head.  You know the sound.  Melissa doesn’t sound that bad, especially when she’s singing, “A, A, A, A, A, A, A, A, A.”  Seriously, just make that the song, record it, and call it a day-day-day-day-day-day-day-day-day.  See what I did there?

Luckily, we get graced with the presence that is Kim D.  She’s still selling flammable looking clothing inside of a 2×4 store in a strip mall in the pits of the pits of Jersey.  At least her hair looks healthy, natural, and suitable for a woman of her age.  There’s no desperation there.  Teresa and Jacqueline are together at Posh to chat it up with Kim D and just happen to get invited to the grand opening of Posh 2, in which Kim D will also sell cheap clothes inside of a hair salon on the other part of town.  I mean, sell it out of the trunk of your Honda Civic because it’s basically the same thing.  There is a problem, however.  And this problem is that Penny is going to be at this grand opening.  I’m sure nothing bad will happen at all.  There is enough fried weave, however, to make me think otherwise.  Teresa is making it seem like this isn’t really a big deal and, in fact, actually says, “I’m as calm as a cucumber.”  Kim D is quick to correct her because if it’s one thing she’s an expert on it’s cucumbers.  Kinda how Rosie would be an expert on flannel.  Same/same.

Some other important things happen that I really want to touch on.  The Brothers Manzo opened up their new restaurant.  I was surprised I wasn’t invited to opening night.  I would have asked Lauren what it was like working at Catface.  And then I’m sure I would have got sucker punched in the ding ding until Brownstone steak (with butter?) shot out of my broken neck.  Oh, and also Saul and Kathie bought their son, Teeth 2, a brand new Barbie white Jeep!  Hey girl!

Back to things that matter.  Melissa sang her song in front of literally 10’s of people at the radio station and they all just got on their knees and started filming it with their iPhones.  Of course, Doozer got up on his chair and made a fool of himself all whilst Melissa may or may not have sang to her own CD “live.”  The song was so good.  I love seeing someone in their late 30’s sing to a room full of trash bags who seem like they can’t string together words in order to make a sentence.  Or as I like to call it, “My Saturday Night.”  In the end, Melissa really gave it her best (aka did 4 seconds of choreography whilst out of breath) and therefore Johnny is going to allow her to sing in front of 150,000…most likely prisoners in heat.  Can’t we send her to Syria to straighten that mess up?  I just added that so you would think I was up on current events and political and junk.  But I know you already do.  You already do.

Oh I almost forgot.  For reasons that make no real sense to me, Teresa had lunch with Victoria Gotti and, well, things got pretty awkward.  If you recall, they were both on Celebrity Apprentice a couple of years back and I guess they’re still friends.  All Victoria wanted to talk about was the possibility of Joe going to prison and what that means to her.  Teresa looked like she wanted to yell “cut!” and run from the table.  She tried saying that she didn’t want to talk about any legal issues, but Victoria just kept at it.  At one point she told Teresa to tell Gia (z-snap) everything that was going on because she was 12 yrs old now and, well, that is old enough.  Yeah.  Right.  There should be a period rule to that somewhere.  I wonder why no one will tell these woman from Jersey how bleach blond hair down to your ass is meant only for women in the OC?!

In the end, it’s time for the grand opening of the Posh store on the side of a broken down gas station.  All of Jersey is a buzz.  Jacqueline and Chris are pissed off because Johnny the Greek, allegedly, tweeted that they’re faking their son’s autism because, you know, that makes sense.  So basically they’re ready to fight.  Also ready to fight is everyone else because they’re all going to confront Penny and her 4 foot fake hair that looks outstanding.  I can smell it from here and that’s probably because it falls into the toilet when she douches and has some feces at the ends.  Burp and gross all at the same time.  Within seconds Jacqueline wants to step right up and confront the wild and crazy Penny.  I have to say she has every right to be pissed but, well, her attack kind of fizzled.  Penny’s defense was “I love kids with autism.  I taught Autism.”  I’m sorry, what?  You taught it?  No comment.  Next up Melissa and Teresa confront Penny about the whole “who put you up to this” saga that no one cares about anymore because we all want to know if Teresa is going to jail.  Penny keeps saying that Teresa put her up to everything and then…yawn…and…yawn….and that’s it.  But NEXT week is the season finale and there is a nice little fist-fight so I’ll be recapping the crap out of that.  As you know.

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