RHONJ: Drunken Trust Falls are the Best Falls

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It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for, for what seems like 3 seasons now.  The time has finally arrived.  Yes, Richie went sledding down a snowy hill on his stomach.  I know.  It really seems like a full circle moment.  Like me,  you were probably wondering “will Richie go take advantage of all that snow?”  How relieved are you to know that he did?  I almost want to shut down the blog now because there is officially nothing left to write.  It’s like finding the last page of the Internet.   Of course, this was what I like to call a “joke.”  What we’ve all been waiting for is if these Italian subs can form enough adult words to mend fences and learn how to not swat at each other like it’s summertime at the lake and you forgot to pack your Deet-laced OFF.  What a beautiful smell, by the way.  It’s like, OFF has been around pretty much since 1952 and they still can’t find a way to not make it smell like burnt sheep?  Either way, Dr V is back and she is quite the little minx, isn’t she?  Had this been 1986 we most likely would have found her appearing in the “Hot for Teacher” video wearing a bikini, glasses, and walking on top of a cafeteria lunch table.  Sadly, it’s not 1986.  It’s 2003.  Wait, no it’s not.  It’s 2013.  Why did I think the 90’s were 10 years ago and, more importantly, how the hell old am I?!

Dr Vagiggle-Jaggle continue to spread her…ideas on how to get the Gorga’s and the Guidice’s to get along once and for-all.  Any by that I, of course, mean for at least the next 55 minutes.  You can tell that Melissa is totally resisting all of this and here’s probably why.  If Teresa and Kim D stop making stuff up about her, well, there’s not much left that’s really interesting to say.  I mean, I guess she could redo her basement “recording studio.”  Or maybe she could tell that story about her dad going out for milk again and banging his way back home?  Both are riveting stories that surely the history books will one day cover.  It was nice, however, to see these three hug it out even though they all looked like they could catch “moldy marinara” from each other.  I’m not sure what that is, by the way.  Even Barney Rubble (Joe Guidice) made an appearance to the therapy session.  It was nice to see that he made time for this even with his busy masturbation schedule that he grossly told us about last week.  Leave the poison in your pants, Rubble.  You could tell that Dr. V wasn’t really sure what to make of Barney, especially his way with words.  To sum up he basically said,

What, uh, yeah you know….tings happen-n-stuff.  What-ah-you-gonna do, ya know?  Get over it.”

It’s like poetry.  If you close your eyes and quiet yourself it’s almost like prayer.  Luckily he stayed for over 10 seconds and apologized to everyone.  I think he was trying to get outta Dodge before Dr V brought up the two words that can ruin any cannoli recipe: Cheating and Jail.  Barney even gave Melissa a hug after Doozer demanded that he apologize to her too.  Is it just me or can you not hear, “Apologize to my wife!” yelled in slurred lines on the regular?  Even when someone cuts me off or doesn’t say “thank you” when I hold the door open for them, I just say, “Apologize to my wife!” in my head.  I wonder if Dr V can spend a little time with me to figure out what these Italian voices are all about.  And this craving for subs.  I must admit that watching everyone get along is actually agreeing with me.  At first I was thinking, “Italian’s that aren’t fighting…so they’re just going to recast everyone, right?”  But it was pretty refreshing after 3 seasons of torture.  Plus, it’s like we’ve all got a ticket into Heaven now or something?  You totally know that Jesus is looking down at us and smiling because, well, this I’m sure is what that whole “cross thing” was really meant for.  I jest.  We, of course, are all going to hell.  Sadly, in hell I’d bet the only three reality shows that Mr. Satan Claus will allow us to watch are, Real Housewives of DCSara Palin’s Alaska, and Married By America.  Of course in Heaven you get to watch season one of Temptation Island any time you want.  So be good because Heaven is totally worth it!

Later all the guys and Rosie head on out to do some ice-fishing with the Gorton’s Fisherman.  I hear you can trust him.  I was waiting for Chilly Willy to run by the screen singing, “Ha he achoo!” but no luck.  Bravo missed a golden opportunity with that one.  Anyjunk, while I thought this would have been a snooze of a scene since Richie was pointlessly there it ended up being pretty funny.  And don’t think the irony of Rosie and the smell of fish was lost on me.  I’m just surprised she wasn’t dipping her head into the hole and trying to catch some snapper with her mouth.  Maybe next year.  Barney and Doozer were trading  light-hearted jabs at each other, but Rosie was there to break the ice, literally and figuratively.  The jabs were turned around to her and jokes about her lady greeter afro ensued and, well, all was right with the world.  You can totally tell that Rosie loves a good old fashioned bush joke.  And, apparently, she also loves a good old fashioned.  That woman can drink.  I don’t recall a scene this season when there wasn’t a drink in her mitt and, well, you shouldn’t either.  Keep drinking Ro-Ro.  I look forward to the day when we meet and split a 30-pack of Keystone and get arrested in New York City for abandoning payment on a human rickshaw.  Email me if you’re interested!

While all the guys (+ Rosie) are out fishing, the girls are all back at the castle starting to booze it up.  I actually did feel a bit bad for Kathie since Dr V peaced out and she never got to talk about all her mental issues with Tre.  Poor Kathie.  The writing is on the wall for her next season.  The only way she’ll be asked back is if she and Ro are a package deal.  Or maybe if her cannoli’s can cure cancer and the like.  Then I’m sure NASA will want to talk to her.  I have no idea.  Luckily, Kathie got to apologize to Teresa for talking smack about her dad and Tre, in turn, half apologized to Kath.  At one point Tre’s face actually looked like she was thinking, “Kath, when did you get here?”  I know.  We all feel the same way.  Although, I do like Kathie.  I’m just not entirely sure why she’s on a national television show and I’m not.  I mean, I’ll get a nose job too if that’s what it takes.  I’ll even let Rosie break my nose in order for me to get the nose job.  Whatever it takes.

The hijinks continues when Melissa gets three sheets to the wind whilst trying to cook with the ladies.  To be honest I’m just glad she owned it.  She was like, “let’s get drunk tonight” and then she just did.  And no one was hiding behind the cameras and pretending it wasn’t happening.  Even Tre was getting in on the action, as was Kathie.  It just proves my point that alcohol is pretty cool, makes things better, and kids should start drinking it so they can enjoy school more during the day.  It was nice to see Tre cooking especially after Doozer told her to “go cook a book.”  Again, not sure what that means but apparently it’s some kind of insult.  Now why couldn’t we see Melissa sing to prove that she can?  All in all I couldn’t care less if these two were cartoon characters drawn into the episode by Andy Cohen himself.  It’s still good television.  Not great television.  Good television.  Kinda like how this isn’t a great blog, it’s a good blog.  I jest.  It’s a top-notch-future-award-winning-life-changing blog.  This show is still just good, however.

Later the guys (+Rosie) come back from ice fishing and immediately start drinking to catch up with the buzzed triplets.  I’m pretty sure I just saw Melissa chugging out of the vodka bottle and then just filling up glasses with only vodka.  Suddenly I like her.  I can connect with her.  And the drunker she gets the prettier she gets.  Everyone is laughing and eating and drinking and having fun with each other.  It’s even making Caroline more interesting.  Maybe it’s them or maybe it’s the fact that her husband and kids aren’t with her.  Either way, it’s working for her.  After dinner leave it to Rosie to finally bring out those “trust fall” exercises to the group.  Doing anything else but getting liquored up and then catching people is just plain old stupid.  Drinking and falling just goes hand in hand.  Melissa, who is legit falling off the couch, decides to catch Barney and after a lot of going back and forth about how she won’t be able to do it in her heels, he trusts her…and falls…and then she falls to the ground too with a little help from Rosie.  Laughter ensues.  I was waiting for Joe Gorga to start pounding the table with his fist and then his father slowly turning to the right to see what that noise was.  And, well, I know you were too.  Even Rich was getting into the spirit of things when he caught Rosie and then just basically fondled her boobs for a good minute 50 seconds all whist Kat’s boobs were left unattended.  UNATTENDED!  You know what?  I’m done with you.  Done.  Done, done, done.

In the end Tre drunkenly states she wants to catch Caroline and Caroline says that she’ll only do it if Teresa promises that one day she’ll do trust falls with Jacqueline.  Trust falls…camera time…whatever.  After debating for a minute or two, Tre finally agrees and then catches Caroline.  At that point I’m not sure if we were seeing Spanx or skin, but I quickly turned away.  Everyone goes off to bed with “I’m a whore” goodnights from Melissa and suddenly Barney Rubble becomes the actual voice of reason and tells Teresa to just make amends with Jacqueline because if she keeps focusing on the past she’ll never move on and change things.  I was like, “Uhhhhhh.”  Was he fed those lines by producers?  Was someone literally holding cue cards with this advice?  And by “cue cards” I of course mean “pop up books.”  This was sound advice.  Sure he was burping and hiccuping throughout the advice, but it was still sound advice.  Either way, Juicy Joe’s heart grew 3 sizes that day…and not just due to a fatty diet!

You know, I was really afraid what it would be like to watch a show where everyone got along…but it really wasn’t that bad.  Refreshing almost.   I can take probably two more episodes like this and then if it doesn’t change back I’ll most likely start a letter writing campaign, but for now it’s nice!  What did y’all think?

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