I’m not entirely sure why this is the 15th Christmas episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey but, alas, it is. No joke the first 35 minutes of this trash dump is people opening presents on Christmas morning. I just kept thinking, but what the hell do I recap? I mean, how many wrapping paper jokes can you make? 1? 1.5? So to switch things up this week, let’s look at the top things that happened in this weeks episode that we learned:
Ashley Will Likely Burn in Hell – Look, I don’t really like Jacqueline or Chris either, but for Ashley to not get either of them a Christmas gift at all would even make The Grinch give her the side-eye. That fat bastard is opening up all her gifts under the tree and then during her one on one interview she explains that she didn’t get her mom anything because she spent most of her money on her new car so “whatever.” You are a horrific, horrific person with a head that is much too large for your body that even when you got your new nose it only enlarged your cheeks. You’re like Bonk…with a weave. Doesn’t she know she’s on camera? At the least she should have bought them something and then forced them to return it after the cameras went down. Or stolen something. Or mugged Gia. See? Those are three valid options and she chose to look like a complete A-hole, once again, on national television.
The Guidice Girls Sleep in Peg Bundy Lingerie and Giant Head Bands – Apparently Christmas morning at Teresa’s house means that everyone under 9 years must pay tribute to Jonbinet Ramsey via tramp pajamas. Whatever happened to “feety pajamas?” I’m pretty sure there’s not a need to “dress sexy for Santa” even in New Jersey. Unless there’s a new movement taking place that I’m unaware of.
Joe Guidice Lost His Shirt Paying for Christmas Gifts, Allegedly – Ho Ho Ho! Santa has arrived and Gia (z-snap), Milania, Gabriella, and Mozzarella can’t wait to see what Santa on a Budget got them this year, but there’s just one problem. Joe won’t get the F out of bed and continues to hold our appetites hostage by refusing to wear a shirt. I legit spit my sandwich out and threw it in the trash while Barney Rubble “beached” in the King while all his kids were jumping on him and Tre-bagger was squeaking in his face, “Mary Christmas, hun!” He replied with a festive, “Merry Christmas now get the hell out of here.” Hmm looks like someone tried to drowned his financial woes in spiked eggnog from the Christmas Eve party the night before but the baby Jesus wouldn’t provide Joe with “sweet release” and is forcing him to breathe for another day.
Once Barney finally gets dragged out of bed (probably by Milania and probably by the hair) Joe just lays bare chested (dry heave) on the velvet couch and just holds up the video camera and the girls tear through all their gifts and squeal with delight. What’s up with his eyes? One is halfway shut and pointing to the left and the other is bugged out. It’s like they’re both trying to run and/or hide from his c-cup and, well, maybe they are. Maybe. They. Are. I like how Tre thinks they’re on a budget this year, yet they still got 75 million things for Christmas. They should have just stolen some of the toys from Melissa and Doozer’s Christmas party the week before. Oh, and Tre got Barney some gawdy cross from what I can only assume us Aldo’s and, in turn, Barney got Tre a pair of gloves (gulp) and some crazy black winter coat that is bedazzled all along the bottom. Fabulous! They should have more kids and just become The Osmond’s to try and get themselves out of this financial mess.
Gia Looks Pretty After a Morning Puke – Poor Gia. With all the excitement of Christmas and camera crews she ended up running into the bathroom and puking. Personally, I think she’s just symbolizing what we’re all feeling about the last few episodes. However, in true actress/model fashion, she’s able to wipe the puke from her chin and then pose for a picture that Tre-bagger is taking of her. The silver lining is that Tre thinks she looks pretty after she pukes…aaaaand this pin-points the exact moment when Gia is likely to pick up a pesky anorexia issue.
You Know Your House is Technically a Mansion When… – You know your house is technically a mansion when you get a motorized car-like contraption from Santa and there’s a enough room for you to drive it around your home and can perform an accurate three-point turn in one of your many hallways.
Christmas Cameltoe at Melissa’s House – Just because it’s the birth of the baby Jesus (kisses to the sky) doesn’t mean that Melissa can’t sport some Christmas cameltoe and a white fur sleep mask. I mean, she’s not an animal after all. Melissa thinks it’s ok to spoil her kids with presents on Christmas because it’s the birth of the baby Jesus. She does have a point as it clearly states in the Bible, “After Mary birthed Jesus in a manger next to some pigs and a goat with rabies she hobbled to Ye Old Toys-R-Us to shower him with Tickle Me Elmo’s, Sillybands, and Barbie Skooters.” Seriously, it says that in the Bible. Look it up. And, because Melissa is such a good wife she received a gold Rolex from Doozer that was carefully placed on the tree. Even her daughter got into the giving spirit by picking out some real high end hooker heels with diamonds around the ankles like they’re slut shackles. However, the “big” gift is the recording studio that is finally finished in the basement of their compound. Now Melissa can record music without ever having to leave her house. Sure she’s pissed that her microphone isn’t bedazzled, but overall she seems happy. Apparently, however, she didn’t get the memo that if you’re on a Real Housewives franchise and want to record a terrible song you can simply do it by shrieking into your computer microphone all whilst sitting in your underwear in the privacy of your own bathroom chain smoking Marlboro Reds. I believe it’s technically called “The Zolciak Method.”
Manzo Buddy Bands Were a Hit – It’s finally the big reveal of the Manzo Buddy Bands! I was already red-faced with embarrassment and anticipation. If you recall, Caroline designed some bracelet with black somethings and some kind of anchors that represent the parents and then there’s a diamond in the middle that represents Lauren trying to jump out the window or some sh*t. Caroline, during her one on one interview, says she doesn’t care if people make fun of it or think it’s corny. I’m pretty sure she was talking about me. And she should have used the word “gawdy” instead of “corny” but I’ll let is slide. I don’t even care that they’re all going to wear these. That’s fine. I just think there’s something wrong with men wearing bracelets in general. Unless, of course, they’re medical alert bracelets because then, by all means, bedazzle the ass off of it!
A Toast With Rosie Warms My Heart – Sure we could go into the nice moments of Kat’s kids pooling their money together to by her a laptop for her new business venture but that, of course, is a snooze. What is never a snooze is any scene with Kat’s sister Rosie. I love her with all of my heart. All of it. Even the parts that are rotten. Sure that’s about 97% of my heart, but still. We only got a tiny little clip of Rosie this time around and she wasn’t sporting her J Lo Fly Girl hat, but it was still pure joy. Rosie gave some quick toast in Italian and whilst I don’t speak “the Italian” I believe it translated into, “In the total time of 90 seconds that I’ve appeared on this series, I’ve been more entertaining than Jacqueline, Caroline, and Kat combined. Plus I can snap you like a twig.” I mean, it could have been that or “Merry Christmas” but I like to think my original translation is a bit more accurate.
It’s Time to Recast the Manzo’s When… – It’s time to recast the Manzo’s when the remainder of their storyline consists of going to a concert of Alexa Joel and trying to set up Albie with her. I actually couldn’t believe the last 10 minutes of this was centered around Alexa Joel and Caroline’s love for her. I found myself saying, what the hell am I even watching? Remember “the book?” Remember “the table flip?” Remember “thick as thieves?” Ugh, those were the days. Now we’re sitting though a little free promotion of Alexa Joel on Christmas night. I miss Danielle.
More Christmas Fun:
What to Get Your Husband For Christmas
Your Wife Wants These Gifts For Christmas
The Best Toys Your Children Will Beg You For
