Real Housewives of New Jersey: Who Knew People from Jersey Could Read Books?

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Well folks, it’s back.  It seems like just yesterday Milania was dragging around her siblings by their hair and here we are again watching Milania drag her siblings around by their hair.  We’ve really come full circle.  For the season opener everyone is up in stubby arms over Teresa’s random cookbook in which she has some of her favorite recipes listed out, as well as opinions of the rest of her cast-members, you know, like typical cook books tend to have.  If you recall she calls out Melissa for copying everything about her, down to the chairs on her front porch.  She also take a shot at Caroline for being 1/16th Italian and how she doesn’t condone someone starting up a car wash that hires strippers.  Oh, and with a pinch of salt.  Bring it to a boil and then let simmer.  I have no clue.  All I know if that everyone seems to hate Teresa for this cook book and it’s all that everyone will talk about.  The Manzo’s decide that they’re not going to “confront” Teresa about this and the Gorga’s are acting like this is the worst thing that has ever happened to them.   I’m glad that they’re all making this book into “the book” from season one.  Hopefully this will bring a “prostitution whore” scenario back into our lives.  As it should.

Beyond the fact that Milania is featured in this crapisode screaming at everyone at the top of her lungs and wreaking absolute havoc all around the house, we also get to bathe in all things “Rosie.”  Dear God I love this woman.  She’s sporting what can only be described as summer army fatigues and she’s doing shots.  Had she been a cartoon she would crash through the wall and the whole cast would, in unison, yell “Hey Kool-Aid!”  We’d all watch her on Saturday mornings, sitting Indian-style, in front of our televisions whilst eating a bowl of Applejacks’s.  Moving on.  She’s part of this crew because it appears that everyone is heading down to the Jersey Shore so that they can show the actual cast of the Jersey Shore exactly what their future looks like.  Ronnie, of course, will eventually become Rosie.  Even Teresa will be heading down to the Jersey Shore with everyone, but not before talking to Caroline about “the book” and trying to say that all of her digs were just “a  joke.”  We know she thinks it’s just a joke as she kept saying to Caroline, “It was a joke.  Like ha-ha-ha?”  Yeah, we get what a joke is, but do you?  Caroline looks like she can catch “2nd grade education level with a pre-school reading level” just by sitting there talking to Teresa.  Sadly, Caroline has more important things to deal with like her pending Menopause, which her doctor diagnoses her with by saying, “You’re old.”  That was touching.

It goes without saying, although apparently I’m saying it, that Teresa and Joe are still going through a ton of crap.  There’s a chance that Barney Rubble can go to jail for up to ten years for basically having a fake id.  And it’s all over the magazines, but mainly because Teresa is on the cover of all of these magazines talking about it…in a bikini…and holding her kids hands at the beach.  Very impromptu, obviously.  Oh, and there’s also that pesky rumor floating around that Joe has a mistress and also a love-child.  Z-snapping Gia has read all these covers (probably because Teresa has them hanging up at her house) and is afraid that her cheating father is going to jail for life.  Eh, at least he can be cellmates with Milania.  And you totally know Milania will one day trade sex for cigarettes,  as will Joe.  As. Will. Joe.  Here’s the weird part.  In the car ride down to the Jersey Shore, Teresa asks Barney about a business meeting he had and he kept saying it was with a couple of girls, but doesn’t remember their names.  Gia is freaking out asking why “girls would be doing business.”  Clearly she has an accurate picture about what the workforce is like.  Good parenting.  Later, Teresa talks to Barney about how Gia is getting nervous about the cheating and going to jail and Barney makes it seem like it’s all no big deal, really. He also kinda doesn’t make it seem like he didn’t cheat.  Not overly reassuring.  And I’m pretty sure he’s convinced he’s going to jail because he’s doing his free-weights (shirtless – puke) whilst Teresa and her hairline talk to him about this.  At one point he just says, “It is what it is” about jail and how Teresa chose this life when she married him.  I’m guessing this will be turning into a Mob Wives cross-over like when Laverne and Shirley would sometimes appear on Happy Days.  All that makes me happy.  Even better is when Teresa talks about Gia reading the magazines she says (in her one on one interview) that Gia knows not to believe the headlines and they keep all these magazine pictures as memories around the house.  Huh?  “Awww look at this!  Remember when we thought daddy was going to jail for only 10 ten years, but it ended up being 15 years and you were taken to foster care?  Awwww.”  #GuidoMemories.

While all this is going on, we’re still forced to watch Jacqueline and Ashley. Per usual everyone is worried about Ashley because evidently she has an entirely different head on her shoulders now.  We see that her hair is bleach-blonde, her nose is new, and she now is sporting Mrs. Potato Head’s lips.  Legit she’s Mrs. Potato Head.  She just needs that one yellow clip-on earring and that rubbery purple purse.  Oh, and the rest of her accessories are probably shoved up her ass.  Chris and Jacqueline think that she drinks too much and is the devil so they’re making her go live with relatives in Vegas so she can get herself together.  Yeah, because at the end of the day “Vegas” is the place you go to clean yourself up…and not become a legal prostitute.  Where was Audrina’s knit hat during all of these scenes?

Meanwhile back at the Jersey Shore, Doozer tricks Melissa into thinking their Jersey Shore house was finished, but it was still a major construction zone (similar to Ashley’s face).  I didn’t hear any “Thank You Jesus'” coming out of Melissa’s oversized mouth at that point.  So they’re all going to stay at Kathy’s place for the weekend.  I would say “who cares” except Rosie is there too and, well, she saves this show on the regular.  My favorite Rosie part was when they were all sitting around the table eating and drinking and talking about Teresa and that terrible cook book and how Teresa is jealous of everyone and Rosie explains how Teresa never has a problem with her because she’s not a threat.  She says, “She’s skinny and I’m fat.  She has long beautiful hair and I have short hair.  She lives in a giant mansion and I still live with my mother.”  Bravo.  Literally.  If I was any good at making things (with the exception of bad decisions) I would start work on a Rosie bobblehead (with changeable hats, of course).  I would talk to it all day, probably, and put it on the pillow next to me whilst I slumber.  You would too.

The one thing I’m actually liking about this season is that they’re actually talking about what’s going on outside of the show.  You know how reality shows never talk about the fact that they’re on a reality show or what happened in a magazine, etc?  Yeah, well here they are and it’s refreshing.  I even like the fact that Kat’s husband (Saul) is saying that Teresa is doing all these magazines so she can get as much money as she can.  I was like, Thank YOU! for saying that.  It’s true.  And I don’t see what the big deal is.  She should be doing everything she can to make money because she owes the government about $12 million.  I mean, if it was me I would have put in my cookbook that Milania was a transgendered robot and  I have the pictures to prove it.  I’d make the title of my cook book, “Caroline Manzo is a Slut.”  Whatever it takes.

Everyone ends up spending the day together at the beach and having a nice time.  The kids are at least.  Everyone else is off in their own corners talking smack about everyone else and by “everyone else” I of course mean “Teresa.”  Doozer takes  a moment to pull Teresa aside and basically say that even if Barney goes to prison to become someone’s b*tch, he’ll be there to help take care of her kids, financially.  Teresa starts talking to him in Italian saying that she doesn’t want to talk about that right now.  Apparently she thinks that the folks at Bravo will never be able to crack her “secret Italian language” that no one else knows.  And it appears that Teresa had said to Doozer over the phone in the past that Melissa would leave him if she found someone else with more money.  How does a conversation like that even go?  “Hey how’s the weather where you are?  Yeah it’s nice here too.  Yup just heading to the beach.  Oh, and if your wife were to meet someone with more money she’d leave you.  Ok, call me later.”  Seriously?  I can’t follow half this crap.  All I know is that I kept scanning the beach to see if I could find Rosie rocking a camo two-piece building a sandcastle.  Although finding a giant photo of her playing QB and throwing a hail mary with a little bikini top showing is good enough for me.

In closing, how great was it to see “tough as nails” Milania lose her sh*t when she thought she saw a rat hiding in their rolled up camping crap?  I’m sure the folks of the Jersey Shore misinterpreted her screaming for the tornado warning alarm.  Of course once Barney realized it was mice who ate a hole in his tarp (?) he just says, ‘Those sons a b*tches!”  See you in the slammer!

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