“First I was 1, then I was 2, then I was 3, then I was 4…now I am not 4.” Who cares about this show because today is my birthday! I have written dozens of letters (via magazine cut-outs) and mailed them to Gia (z-snap) to see if she would be kind enough to sing that beloved song to me in that day in which we celebrate that crazy time I was born in a manger. There was no room for a bed. Alas, all my letters were sent back to me, most likely because I sent them “C/O Teresa and Joe Giudice – New Jersey State Prison.” I guess I was a little early on that one. Sidenote, those two going to jail/gel really brings the whole “Orange is the New Black” to an entirely new, and appropriate, level. #SizzleTans.
On this day of my birth, all I can say is, “Wakin’ up in the morning, thinkin’ ’bout so many things. I wish things could get better.” Then I ugly-cried until my braces shined in the morning light. On the real, if you’re like me you’re totally stunned by the drastic turn of events on this weeks Real Housewives of New Jersey. Of course I’m talking about Kathie’s cannoli’s. I mean, will she make it into moldy supermarkets across Jersey? Will she and Richie end their partnership? Will she move out of that rat-infested (allegedly) test kitchen where all your cannoli orders come with free shots of Hep C? I was on the edge of my seat yelling “Kathie!” and sweating the entire time. This truly is riveting television. Let’s just fast-forward to next season where we follow Tre and Barney through the American Court process and watch grown (kinda) adults Shasta McNasty in their court-clothes on national television. Seriously, Bravo better be filming all of this or I’m done. Done, done, done. Unattended, Kat? Really? Done, done, done. But wait, there’s more drama. I know, I was waiting too. That’s right, there was a whole entire segment about where Caroline and Al should position the new rug that they bought. Should it be near the couch or in the middle of the room? I was shaking uncontrollably in anticipation over this decision. Clearly this will be brought up at the reunion. And later we’re forced to sit and watch an awkward dinner between Daughter Manzo and Vito and whether or not they’ll be getting engaged anytime soon. Luckily, during her one on one interview Lauren filled us in that when she was fat and unemployed she wanted to be married, but now that she’s thin (?) and owns (?) that rando makeup salon she doesn’t really care about being married anymore. She was nice enough to also let us know that Vito wants to do nothing but sit on the couch all day, eat, and get fat. Awwww, come on. Save it for your vows! I wonder where she learned to knock on peoples weight and the like?
The only thing that really saved this crapisode for me was Milania wearing a stuffed bra and sliding down the banister of the stairs. She was saying something about “being a mom” and “having boobies.” Can Emmy Awards go out to reality show children because if so she needs at least two. One for each pretend boob. Speaking of Milania, apparently Tre has named her new “hairline” after her favorite daughter thanks to the people of Twitter. Just what we all need, more crap from dirty Jersey shoved down our throats. I’m sure in the coming months the only place that will be stocking those hair products will be the prison commissary and you’ll most likely have to trade a peek at your vagiola for a weeks worth of product. Either way, Tre is having a “launch party” in the basement of a musty church (assumption) and she’s invited her brother and Melissa to attend. Conveniently she’s also invited Jan and Penny (those elderly chicks who spilled the scripted beans a few weeks back about Melissa giving handies to her ex in the parking lot of a Fashion Bug). More on this later.
Meanwhile, Doozer and Melissa are out having drinks and talking about their grand plans of taking everyone away to sunny Arizona for Melissa’s 57th birthday. Melissa is less than pleased that Teresa will be going, which is a strange comment considering the cameras are on her but, alas, she agrees. Did I mention that they’re all having dinner at a place called Aladdin that pretty much seems like should be located on the outskirts of Vegas? Evidently this is considered a form of entertainment in Jersey. Everyone is even taking a hit of the hookah. Melissa is coughing up a storm and making odd faces just like that time Cindy caught Greg smoking on the Brady Bunch. “Greg’s sssthmoking!” With all the belly dancers getting down, Rosie is in hog heaven (literally and figuratively) and suddenly starts making it rain over the dancer like she’s a stripper and whatnot. Rosie is quite possibly the best thing that’s happened to the East Coast since Kitty Dukakis and that pesky rubbing alcohol pickle she got herself in back in the day (according to my Social Studies book since I’m merely 18 yrs old). A lot of people are ragging on me for liking Rosie because they says she’s loud, obnoxious, and a drunk. Uh, yeah. And that’s why I like her. Was that not clear? It’s also the best qualities in 78% of my friends. Or at least the good ones! Anycrap, Doozer invites everyone to go to Arizona to this spa-retreat-birthday-weekend and everyone is so excited. Jacqueline can barely keep her scarf on that’s hiding where Chris probably tried to strangle her after surgery and Barney Rubble is dancing whilst pointing and telling the belly dancers, “See I’s know how ta dance Arabic.” Reason #45,341 why the terrorists will most likely win.
Later Caroline and Kathie take a walk in Hoboken. #Terrible
I’m pretty sure the only point to this entire episode was so that Melissa could confront Jan and Penny at Teresa’s “hairline” in front of the cameras so that Tre could get some free publicity. That was pretty obvious the whole time, right? Jan awkwardly comes over to where Melissa is standing and “congratulates” Teresa on selling cheap crap to people who will buy anything from the Bravo network to feel connected to F-list reality stars. She kisses Kim D, Kim D’s extensions, and then Teresa. She gives Melissa the side-eye and then it’s time for a little confrontation. She tries to claim that Melissa did meet up with an ex in the parking lot at some party and that she told her to make sure she tells everyone that Teresa was there so she wouldn’t look guilty. Yawn. Why no one is confronting Jan on why someone under the age of 52 has the name “Jan” is a real missed opportunity and tragedy in itself. Meanwhile Penny is in the background lurking with some old creepy dude that looks like he has to legally introduce himself to everyone at the party. Is it just me or could Penny basically be Brody Jenner’s mother? You know the one. Finally Penny comes over looking like Vanna White circa 1986 with a gold shiny dress off the set of Solid Gold and matching yellow eye-shadow that really says, “Am I one of those dirty porn muppets? You bet!” Melissa thinks Penny is stalking her and wants to know why she was involved in telling tall tales. Penny claims that she’s been asked all sorts of questions about Melissa by a lot of different “people” but won’t name names. The entire time Teresa is standing next to her yelling, “I had nothing to do with this right? We’re not friends, right?” The lady dost protest too much, methinks. Yeah I know Shakespeare. Jealous? After a seizure-like exchange between Penny and Melissa she finally walks away with the creepy old dude and Teresa thinks she’s been vindicated. She actually said “vindicated.” Good for her. That’ll most likely be the last time we hear her say that.
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