Where the hell have you all been? Oh wait. I was the one who was missing. Well I’m back from my 9 day voyage to Boston (my homeland) and am ready to recap the absolute cat piss out of this episode of Real Housewives. Sure I’ve missed the past 3 or 4 weeks of this season but the truth is that I may or may not have blacked out most of the summer. To catch us all up, everyone is still greasy. Like, really greasy. Like, you if you high-fived anyone from the cast while standing at the top of a flight of stairs you would have a 98.4% chance of sliding down the entire staircase. Also, Lauren is still trying to lose weight. Oh, and everyone is still absolutely horrific, horrific people. I’m talking like garbage heaps. Of course Rosie is excluded from this and, well, Milania. Everyone else will be roasting in hell (which I always assumed was just actually New Jersey) and you want to know what? I’ll be there too…as will you. The way I see it is that we’ll all sit around and just recap the latest people being sent to hell. It’ll be pretty fun. In fact, if they served iced-coffee and that new Oreo donut from Dunkin’ Donuts I would consider going there now. For real, how insane is that donut?! Anyway…here’s what went down (excluding the combined total of typical Manzo blood pressure) last night on Real Housewives of It Doesn’t Matter Where.
Things kick off with Milania making my actual life worth living. Barney Rubble wants to know if Teresa and her brother are “cured” now that they’ve gone to see a therapist on national television…just like Heidi and Spencer did before their demise. I think they’re as “cured” as Barney is “not guilty” in his upcoming legal showdown. That was like one of those questions they give you on the SATs. Ugh as if any of you or I scored higher than a 620 on our SATs. Either way, Milania makes sure to call her daddy a piece of poop a half of dozen times all whilst Teresa’s hairline tries to run from the kitchen. You know what I think would be awesome? If they did those one on one interviews with all of Teresa’s children. Then we’d really find out what was going on behind the scenes. For some reason I think we’d learn that Barney is breastfeeding the littlest in the Lollipop Guild. Clearly Barney would like to welcome you to Munchkin Land.
Meanwhile I know you’re all on the edge of your puffy leather couches wondering what else Lauren Manzo could be working on besides trying to get her head to grow larger than Rosie O’Donnell’s. Well, besides her pending lap band surgery Lauren and her mother are opening up a business that I’m pretty sure is called something like “Caface” because it’s supposed to be a cafe for your face. Catchy, but how about Bullbrain? You know, because watching this is like a “bullet to the brain?” Caroline is putting up a lot of money to turn an apparent Fashion Bug in a Jersey strip mall into a spa-like place so that Lauren can feel like she’s successful and can really “make it on her own.” Daddy buys lap band and Mommy buys a business for you. You’re really living the American Dream, trash box. Lauren seems to really take good care of herself so I’m certain she’ll take just as good care of you. Don’t be surprised if she gives you a “mozarell” facial and Twinkie scrub. Truth be told, both of those things sound awesome. And while she’s providing you those services, Vitoo is in the side room slicing you a half pound of honey turkey sliced thin. #DreamBig.
Oh. And before I forget about my own self-promotion, don’t forget to nominate me for the Watch What Happens Live Bartender contest. I’m sure it goes against the rules to nominate me, but click here to learn more and help me sell out. You’ll hate it! Ole!
It’s also Melissa’s daughter’s 6th birthday. She’s already as tall as Doozer, which is sweet. Melissa isn’t really doing anything big for her birthday except installing a couple of bouncy houses and some giant caterpillar that is about the same size as two football fields and the children can play in. You know, it’s basically the same as your birthday party when you were little. I wonder if instead of playing “pass the orange with your neck” they’ll play “shred Uncle Guidice’s papers in a jiffy!” Fun for all! Moreover, Melissa is dressed like a pig in heat for her daughter’s party. Remember when your mom used to wear 6 inch heals and a tight blue dress to your parties? Me too. Because, at the end of the day, it’s all about her. Perhaps she’s just feeling flashy because she’s going to be “performing” at some summer concert in Jersey that supposedly is a big deal. In fact she has Chris Judd teaching her how to dance just like he did Michale Jackson. Yeah, and look where that landed Jackson? Maybe he should teach half the cast and just let the chips fall where they may (spoiler alert: In Lauren’s mouth). However, before we get to that mess Teresa is really trying to become friends with her brother and Melissa because she has no one else to film scenes with. In case everyone missed it the therapist wants them to “forget about the past and more forward.” Oh, and he also wants them to have Sunday dinners again…but only when the cameras are up. Once they stop filming they can take a Shasta McNasty on their dining room table for all anyone cares.
I’m not quite sure really what else is happening in this episode but they’re really going with that whole Gorga/Guidice competition and this time they’re putting Gia (z-snap) against Melissa to see who is going to have the better Jersey concert performance. I mean, in the end they both really lose because, again, they’ll be performing in New Jersey. I also thought that’s the place the kids on American Idol went to perform when they didn’t make the top 10. Perhaps I’m wrong. Either way Melissa, of course, will be singing to her own song played back to her on stage all whilst her forehead sweats and Gia, of course, will be dancing her ass off like she’s the sole provider in her house which, truth be told, she just may be. Gia’s dance rehearsal was just as trashtastic as I imaged it would be. I’m not joking when I say she and her class are doing the same dance moves that Stephanie Tanner used to do when the writers would write in some “dance scenes.” Thanks to the “running man” being inserted into the beginning of the dance I immediately knew this was a dance I can and will mimic in a future drunken night for myself. Look out New York because “the snake” is coming! I didn’t mean that to sound as gross as it did but, hell, I’m keeping it because it’s like two jokes in one. Gia did a wonderful job with her “dancing.” I think she kept on beat once or twice and her face looked like she just saw Barney doing naked lunges with his prison-mate. By the end of the “rehearsal” she gets chosen to dance on stage…just like one day Milania will have to do during her typical “Eggs and Legs” shift once she’s “18.”
The rest of the episode is pretty gay. And I mean that literally. Rosie (genuflect) is bringing some chick she met at a bar to dinner to meet her family. That was pretty quick. She didn’t know her name 5 minutes ago but now she’s at dinner and on camera. I was surprised when they set the table they didn’t have forks, knives, and scissors at everyone’s place setting. I mean, did you really think I wasn’t going to toss in my obligatory scissors reference? Oh and don’t worry America because Rich/Saul is ok with Rosie being a lesbian because he “goes after the same thing as them.” Why he didn’t mention the fact that he also dresses like a lesbian comedienne circa 1987 is beyond me. He’s like the Paula Poundstone of our generation. He also lets everyone know that Rosie’s mother just wants to be happy whether she’s just friends with this new chick or even performing the old national pastime “muff diving.” Truth be told I was surprised you could say that on television but I applaud Rich for raising the bar. P.S., I love how the Wakile kids can’t seem to sit there without their mouths ajar. It’s a nice trait to have. Oh, and I genuinely love how Rosie looks like she’s in heat all during dinner. Odd that they’re eating sausage though. Perhaps the mother is trying one last time to see if Rosie is interested. A for effort.
The remainder of the episode consists of the Manzo brothers and their creepy Level III friend celebrating his birthday and having Albie (grow up and get a real name) introducing his new girlfriend to his sister and mother. I couldn’t care any less about any of this if I tried. I’d rather listen to Teresa try to recite the real words of the Pledge of Allegiance for 60 full minutes all whilst some Indian woman tried to thread her hairline back a few hundred yards. Want to do the running man with me sometime? Well then click here to join me on Facebook and let’s be dumb friends who do stuff like that on the regular.