I’m glad we live in a world where Real Housewives Tourettes is becoming part of my every day life. I’ve already incorporated “take steak” on the regular and now, thanks to Tre-bagger, I find myself just shouting “Unattended?!” whenever times get a little quiet…like when a car doesn’t let me, the pedestrian, have the right of way. Unattended?! Anyway, here’s what went down last night on a little show I like to call, “I’m From Jersey, I’ll Punch You. I’m Also a Housewife.”
It’s the Thanksgiving crapisode we’ve all been waiting for where we get to watch genuine Ay-talians in their natural habitat trying to figure out exactly what Thanksgiving is actually all about. From what I gather after watching Melissa and Joe #2 (aka Doozer) go food shopping, this holiday is all about slaughtering the absolute piss out of any and all living animals. Also, I caught salmonella poisoning just from the first 25 minutes of this episode alone. I’m not kidding, Teresa and Barney Rubble….slaughtered animals. Melissa and Doozer…slaughtered animals. Lauren and Vito (who and what?!)…slaughtered animals. I mean, I’d suggest that Teresa try out a vegan Thanksgiving, but I’m sure she would think you can’t become a vegan again after having four kids (ba-dum-cha!)
Someone needs to tell Doozer to toss a bucket of ice down his Boys 7-14 petite pants because he’s like a rapist on the loose. At one point he was literally slapping the ass of a dead pig and saying things like, “Yeah, that’s what I like.” Really? The only thing he should be saying on the regular is “We represent the Lollipop Guilde” and he should be saying it with a corn-cob pipe in his mouth all whilst doing an animated jig. You totally know he was the kid at Sears dry-humping the mannequin in the “Women’s World” department circa 1983. Oh, and their entire menu for Thanksgiving sounds like it should come with complimentary shots of blood thinner. How’s ya clogged arteries ya animals!?
Meanwhile, Tre-bagger and Juicy-Couture Joe are driving out to some chicken and turkey farm that’s actually called “Chicken and Turkey Farm” because they want to meet the animals that they’re going to eat before they kill them…you know, like Joe’s side business? After getting lost and Barney Ruble calling Teresa a ditz and an airhead (and other top notch 80’s slang) they finally make it to “the farm” but get cold feet once they meet the nice turkey who the owners are going to kill for them so that Milania can have the best Thanksgiving ever. Fabulous! Someone just needs to fill in Tre about the fact that in Italy the don’t celebrate “Turkey Day” (as Joe calls it because I’m pretty sure that is technically what he thinks the holiday is called) because she seems shocked when Barney spills the bean about that little tidbit. He should have just told her they did. I would have. I would have been like, “Tre, Thanksgiving was the day when the Italians fought the Saudi Arabians on heel of Italy and then set sail for the new world, “New Jersey” only to crash the Titanic into the Great Barrier Reef and that’s when Santa Claus called up Rudolph and the Pilgrims to put on leather shoes with large gold buckles and asked them to dance until it rained and they see their shadow and learn that there would be six more weeks of winter…and that’s how the whole world celebrates Thanksgiving at exactly 6:12 pm on the 7th Thursday of November!” Ole!
Speaking of people with traditional Muppet eyes, Kathy is baking like her life depends on it and, quite frankly, like she’s planting the seed a little early on an upcoming dessert cookbook probably to be titled something like, “Gonzo’s Gumdrops” and the like. She’s really taking this dessert thing very seriously, so much so that she barely noticed her ponytail trying to escape its banana clip home. She claims that she’s all frazzled (not to be confused with Fraggled) because Caroline shot her some sass in an earlier episode. I think she should be more concerned over the fact that her eyes look like they can be popped out like meatballs and rolled across the floor.
Stuff happens with Ashely, Albie, “The Other One” and “The Tall Pedophile” over in Hoboken but, to me, this is like when Three’s Company finally spun off “The Ropers” and it was nothing but disappointment and regret. Therefore, I shant not be speaking another word about them. I will also add Lauren, Vito, and “The Deli” to this “do not discuss” list as I would be more comfortable watching that episode of Punky Brewster where she was in some cave and could only get out by crying and telling that weird mirror monster “I (sniff sniff) love (sniff sniff) you!” than have to watch any more Manzo kids on primetime. Next.
It’s finally Thanksgiving Day (goooo Rudolph!) and we’re now getting to watch a side by side comparison of how Teresa has Thanksgiving and how Melissa has Thanksgiving. Melissa and her sisters are dressed in traditional Thanksgiving attire which is, of course, silk leopard dresses with their knockers bouncing all around town. Had they been on the Mayflower like that they could have killed someone. Melissa’s mother was interesting. I’m thankful for her long blond hair this Thanksgiving. Are you? I’m also thankful for that family photo where all the girls are apparently in their prom dresses with their hair teased to the heavens. Kathy and her crew show up and start displaying all her pastries on different levels of shelving, some with crystals hanging from them others without. I’m not sure why my eyes are witnessing any of this, but I feel like even after seeing this I can still take steak.
Doozer and his crew are all knocking back shots of Tequila (probably to kill the scurvy) and then he finally surprises Melissa with a little something outside in front of the house? Is it a car? A boat? An 18 foot catamaran that you could always win on Classic Concentration, yet I never fully understood what it was? Well, since we saw the commercial played, literally, hundreds of thousands of times over the weekend, we know that it’s a mechanical bull. Seriously, I’m pretty sure Doozer thinks Thanksgiving is the same thing as Cinco de Mayo. Like a night at a crack den 25 years ago with Danielle Staub, everyone gets a turn riding it. Doozer is doing it with one hand and I what I can only assume is a banana in the other hand. Kathy even gives it a turn even though she’s wearing a dress and if she falls off a certain way we’ll all get to see where she’s cooking the stuffing…if ya know what I mean. If you don’t, I’m referring to her vaginal area. Stove Top in the box, some would say. I would not say that. Although, I would type it. Last up is Doozer and Melissa. Of course they both go on it and Doozer tries to basically bang both Melissa and the bull at the same time. Everyone looks on in horror. Mort looks horny.
Over at Tre-baggers empty rooms mansion, she’s trying to get the entire dinner ready all whilst her girls are declaring Jihad all over the house. Gia (z-snap) is freaking the F out because the the table cloth is all wrong and Milania suddenly has the voice of Popeye the Sailor Man. Seriously. It was either that or Uncle Joey doing the voice of Popeye. At one point Milania (I think) is legit pull and dragging Gia by the hair across the dining room floor while she is screaming in pain. I have to admit, I love that Milania. I can’t wait to see her on closed circuit TV one day from the state penitentiary.
While Teresa is trying to cook for 20 people, Barney Ruble is taking a siesta in his bedroom because (insert baby voice) if Joey doesn’t get his nappy and a tubby then he’s a cranky-wanky little boy (end baby voice). Once everyone arrives bringing crap-bag desserts (the points go to Kat) Teresa gives some form of a toast whilst telling Caroline she’s her older sister and how her friends can be like her brothers and sisters. Every day is like a phonics lesson with Tre and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Because her family hates her and they are now “sans money” Tre starts to get a little emotional and that’s when I hear someone in a deep raspy coke voice say, “It’s good to show your emotions.” Enter, Kim D. What in the holy name of all that is tanned and bleached is Kim D doing at this Thanksgiving dinner? Seriously, I bet she lives there. I bet because of the Chapter 11, Tre turned her mansion into a state-run halfway house and Kim “F’n” D lives there now. And you know what? I kinda want to live there too. Dream big.
I love right around 38 minutes in Bravo has about 340 commercials, but they give us about a 30 second snippet of complete nonsense from the episode. This time we get to hear about the time when Caroline was a little girl and used to shoot a 22 shotgun in her backyard at the groundhogs because, you know, all that makes sense. Why the hell is she making it sound she lived on the prairie? I mean, I must admit that if I was traveling the Oregon Trail I would definitely want Caroline to be my co-pilot in the wagon. I need her to shoot buffalo in the forest after I come down with a case of Dysentery. Oh Dysentery, you’re such a retro disease.
So you know who else is a maniac? Teresa’s other daughter that screams like Sam Kinison. While everyone is eating, Kinison just punches Gabriella (I have no idea who’s who anymore) right in the face. Teresa loses her sh*t and makes Kinison apologize but she won’t and runs up the stairs screaming that she’ll never say it to her. She should have ran up the stairs screaming “Unattended?!” Is it wrong that even though they’re little girls I’m kinda psyched that there’s been physical violence, including face punches and hair pulling, in this episode? Like, I kinda wanna just watch an entire episode of Teresa’s daughters. Way more exciting than the Manzo crew…unless they started fighting. Then I’d be into it.
Things take a strange turn when Teresa brings out some card from her housewarming party from last year that Melissa gave her. But first, they’re asking Kim D is she remembers the party. Brilliant. I love the town drunk. Hell, I am the town drunk. Anyway, apparently Melissa wrote (in giant bubble letters) inside the housewarming card, “Congrats on your redone house.” This, clearly, has set off Teresa for reasons my simple mind will never understand, and she retaliated later that Christmas when Melissa brought Sprinkle cookies and Teresa said no one liked them and dumped them in the trash. Now from a technical standpoint I don’t follow any of this, but from a reality show “you pulled one over one me” standpoint I totally get it. All I know (alls I knows) is that Jacqueline brought Sprinkle cookies tonight and I’m pretty sure she wishes she would shrivel up and die. Now, if she did shrivel, I feel like she’d be nothing but a horses mane and giant lips. That could be fun.
In the end, over at Melissa’s house the tides may be turning because suddenly Doozer is missing Teresa and his family and Melissa, Kathy, Mort and the rest of the Munster’s want Doozer to rekindle with Teresa. You see, people at the table are all drunk and bringing up the dead so they feel that Doozer and Tre-bagger should make things work. Tomorrow, when they wake up sober, they will hopefully be back on on the fast track to table flips and table poundings.
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