Real Housewives of New Jersey: Teresa is the Mr. Wizard of Our Generation


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For someone who may be heading up the river for a spell, Barney Rubble is certainly living the life.  Every crapisode is like Driving Miss Daisy as Teresa typically needs to cart him around town.  Sure it’s because, by law, he’s not allowed to drive but I like to pretend the real reason is that he can’t see over the steering wheel and needs a step-stool just to get into the car.  It makes it more fun that way.  So in order to not break tradition, Teresa is escorting Barney to a vineyard where Teresa will come up with a “formula” for a new drink she is “making” that will be called a Fabilini.  It’s a Belini but, spoiler alert, (cue Audriana) it’s faaaaaaabulous!  Seriously it’s not even made yet and I already think it takes like Teresa’s hairline and financial desperation.  And peach.  This new product is going to be trickier to make than I originally thought because Teresa first needs to figure out what a “vineyard” is.  Plus, she keeps talking about creating this “formula” like she’s doing stem cell research and is on the brink of a cure for stupidity.  She really is the Mr. Wizard of our generation.

The color of the Fabilini is really important to Teresa as is the taste.  That’s odd since those are pretty much what makes up a drink.  Go figure.  She wants to make sure it doesn’t taste too much like diet like the Skinny Girl margarita does.  Please.  If she could sell something like Bethenny did with the Skinny Girl for $120 million I’m sure Teresa would add clumps of Milania’s DNA if it were required.  Whilst at the “vineyard” and creating a “formula” Tre-bagger keeps talking about her standard “ingredientses” to which the worker stares at her blankly and says, “first it’s ‘ingredients.”  Tre and Barney both looked like they smelled burnt toast.   Barney is sure to taste-test every single drink, get lit, and make everyone at the vineyard and “The America” very uncomfortable.  Everyone looked like, “Why is that little husky boy drinking alcohol?” Seriously, he should be seated in a highchair at all times.  Regardless, don’t be worried if you don’t drink booze because Teresa hasn’t forgotten about you at all.  She also plans on selling aprons, pasta, and sauce in the near future.  Phew!  She’s like a traveling knives salesman…with a 4th grade education.  So, same/same.

Meanwhile, other things are happening in this episode too.  Apparently Lauren Manzo might rent out the space where the Chateau was for her awesome business where she’ll put makeup on your face so that you look just like her.  Young and healthy.  Since this season is lacking a bit, they decided to edit in some old seasons of Danielle and Dina for reasons that I can’t fully get my mind around, but totally appreciate.  It really made me long for the days when we could hear an old lady get confused between the correct use of women/woman.  Sadly we’re now forced to follow the career goals of the Manzo siblings and, yes, it’s just as yawny as it sounds.

Speaking of late in life careers, Melissa, Doozer, and some music dude decide to work on her career independently and get it really big before going to the record labels.  Apparently they seem to think there will be a bidding war between major labels for Melissa’s talent.  I totally believe that.  I mean, you know how the entertainment industry always is looking to invest in new talent in their late 30’s.  Because at the end of the day what we really need is another Susan Boyle but, you know, with auto-tune.  Melissa is also busy having a photoshoot at her house which includes her sporting some Solid Gold dancers dress and laying down on her dining room table that is covered with rose petals.  Toss in a feather boa and you have yourself a standard Glamour Shots scenario.  Speaking of which, I would pay top dollar to see Rosie in some Glamour Shots photos.  So someone make that happen.  Anyway, the photoshoo was as awkward as you could imagine and I’m pretty sure there was no explanation of why this shoot was taking place.  Eh, maybe she’s just trying to update her Facebook default.

Since this show has turned into one giant informercial, Kat is busy having a dessert tasting next door to a cemetery since she is trying to get some dessert company to sell her crap for her.  I guess.  I actually don’t care but figured I should mention it.  Everyone shows up to this parking lot event, which means all Manzo siblings and their creeptastic friend will be there.  Lauren is sure to let loose the crazy by admitting that she thinks every time she eats in public people are looking at her.  I mean, we are.  But still.  Keep that crazy to yourself.  Tre brings a new friend to the event and is trying to bring up the dig that Kat made towards Tre at her book signing about some of the recipes in it being Kat’s mothers.  Who cares.  It’s like a cook book for cookies and water.  It could have been anyone’s recipe.  At least we got to see Teresa give air kisses to Caroline and Jacqueline and, well, that was worth it because Caroline looked like she could catch poverty.  Truth be told, I think you can.  That’s why you should always wear a surgical mask when you’re out in public.

I know I say it all the time, but I don’t fully know what this show is about anymore.  Chris Laurita (I think that’s his name) is having all the guys over to his home so they can talk about their upcoming trip to Napa and also film it.  All the usuals are there…Doozer, Barney, Saul.  You know, the regulars.  They’re all chit-chatting like girls on the rag in homeroom and want everyone to get along on the trip.  Sure Barney seemed like he was three-sheets to the wind, but at least he called out the fact that no one likes Teresa anymore and he doesn’t care.  I wonder if they’ll allow him to watch Real Housewives in prison? I’m sure the guys in the slammer would love that.  At one point an argument ensues between Barney and Doozer about power tools that were borrowed and never returned.  Minutes later Barney is giving digs at Saul for pumping gas years ago and Saul sasses back that Barney was making pizzas just 6-months ago.  How there weren’t any z-snaps during any of this is beyond me.  Remember when this show used to be good?

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