Real Housewives of New Jersey: Rosie, the Mrs. Garrett of Our Generation (with a Beverly Ann Hairdo)


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Sorry this one was a little late today.  I was too busy writing countless (de lesepps) letters to Congress demanding that they give Rosie and Milania their own show.  I’m confident this is what Congress is for.  I’m less confident that I’m supposed to be capitalizing the word “Congress.”  I’ll write a letter to ask.  Moving on.  This was really quite the crapisode.  And by “quite” I mean “not really at all.”  Although there were many gems throughout that made me proud to be an American and even more proud that I am one Path train away from the magical location called “New Jersey.”  Per usual, Caroline’s privates are in the process of drying out so she’s a little punchy to say the least.  Also, to say the yeast all at the same time.  Therefore, she’s decided to constantly talk about Lauren’s weight at least once per episode.  I’m kidding, at least 6 times per episode.  She’s kind enough to remind us that Lauren is beautiful on the inside…it’s just her outsides that are basically disgusting.  Awww that’s sweet.  I hope she saves some for her Christmas card.  Or at least suggest she play “Santa” for the Night of 7,000 Fishes on Christmas Eve.  Ho ho, yes.  Let’s all just assume that Caroline isn’t being the spawn of Satan and is chatting up Lauren’s beer belly so that she can end up with a Nutri-System endorsement just like that little minx Tori Spelling did after she had her baby…and would have lost the 75 pounds anyway because, you know, a human was no longer inside of her.  But I digest.

Other greasy stuff happened, of course, but nothing made my heart grow 2 sizes like when Rosie enters the scene.  This time around she was in a purple tie-dye tee with the actual haircut I had in the 7th grade.  I’m guessing she just plops down in the chair and says, “A  boys regular, please.”  As she should.  As. She. Should.  Since everyone is going on some boat that was most likely rented by the production crew, Rosie is tasked with watching about 10 of their kids, all of whom are more tanned than they should be for anyone their age…yet not tan enough for being legal residents of New Jersey.  It’s a fine line.  I mean, and the kids are all lunatics.  Milania is spraying and stabbing and the other ones who look like kids reenacting scenes from Jersey Shore are running to and fro.  Rosie is sneaking in some swigs of that famous purple wine that’s always in a giant glass jug and heading outside to grab a smoke and, most likely, let a few rip.  I don’t judge.  At one point I found myself yelling at my television “UNATTENDED!” when the blond Guidice was standing motionless in the middle of the street.  She has the right idea, actually.  If daddy heads off to the slammer for a cool 10 years I think “playing in the street” may be their best bet.  When Rosie sees this she goes running towards the child and scoops her up before that car going 3 mph runs her down and, you know, skins her knee.  Of course in my mind when Rosie was running I was seeing it in slow motion and am pretty sure I heard “Eye of the Tiger” playing in the background.  Or maybe it was just because I actually hit rewind, played it in slow motion, and then turned on Eye of the Tiger from my iPad.  Life is just better when I’m controlling it.  Later, Milania is (what I can only assume) mocking her pint-sized father by doing chin-ups in the closet.  Rosie lets Gia (z-snap) handle it and Gia (z-snap) screams at the top of her lungs for Milania to stop what she’s doing.  Clearly Gia is learning from her parents and will most likely be thrown out of school by her 13th birthday.  Fingers crossed we see her on 16 & Pregnant (and Italian) in a few more years.  Again, I’ll begin the letter writing process to Congress.

For me, I’m not sure what was worse.  The fact that the scenes with the adults on the “boat” was a snooze or the fact that none of those same adults know it’s not technically pronounced, “Supposebly.”  There is no “B” in that word, bricks.  Although I shouldn’t talk because being from Boston I’m not familiar with the letter “R.”  At the same time I am familiar with being awesome on the regular, so that’s cool.  Larry Bird woo-hoo!  No idea.  The remainder of the episode consists of all the women going to some “Summer Solstice” party thrown by a second-rate psychic at some dive bar that’s across the street from peoples houses.  Quaint.  Speaking of taint, apparently everyone was told to wear white.  Some women wore white dresses and other women (including Lauren!) chose to wear white short-shorts with their beav basically blowing in the New Jersey breeze.  Where is that fish smell coming from?  One truly doesn’t know.  It’s like the chicken and the egg.  Also, everyone had to wear Bindi’s (?) in the middle of their forehead so they could have a third eye.  Rosie claims hers fell off when she started sweating and she said, “F this thing.”  I love her with all my half-heart.  I’m sure she dropped it down her underpants so she could sass things up during scissors.  I am, of course, talking about an arts-and-crafts project with the children.  Duh.

Like many of you, my first thought when I saw everyone in white was, “Glad no one is on the rag.”  I mean, Caroline is obviously in the clear but you can totally tell these other women have a really heavy flow.  I would like to go on the record now to say that I’ve officially made myself sick probably for the first time since I’ve been writing this blog over the past 5 years.  Anymaxi, everyone is at two different tables because, you know, production planned it that way.  Rosie is loving the camera time (as are we) so she pulls Teresa aside to talk to her about what she said to her brother about Mellisa’s long face possibly leaving Doozer if she found another man with more money.  Rosie almost looks like she couldn’t give a crap, but all of The America is rejoicing that she’s in this episode so much.  With all the talking and opinions Rosie finally just states, “Maybe everyone should just shut up.”   Also, Rosie is dressed like the members from 98 Degrees when they would film their “beach scenes” for their “music videos.”  Yes all of that was supposed to be in quotes.  I’d like to see Rosie perform an interpretive dance during this conversation.  Oh, and what was up with that 10 second clip of Rosie sassing that random blond chick at the table?  Was it over their “kinship” and is that code for some form of munching?  I love symbolism.

Later, Teresa and Melissa end up talking about how educated they are and how other countries love us.  I’m kidding.  They talked about themselves and quotes from the endless magazines Teresa is in.  This somehow turned into an episode of “Password” and as soon as Melissa said the word “jail” Teresa freaked out and took off towards the parking lot whilst Kim D followed her around making sure she was in the background of every shot.  And you know what?  She succeeded.  I feel like I’m going to have to watch the fight scenes a few more times because I had no clue really what was going on.  At one point they were yelling at each other, but both agreeing about how wonderful Teresa’s brother is.  But they were saying it with such anger.  Moreover, Melissa’s dress (?) was so short I was certain her gentlemen greeter was going to catch a cold.  I thought I heard it sneeze.   Regardless, I said “bless you” at least a few times during that argument.  And what the hell was Tre-bagger talking about 99.9% of the time?  It’s almost like they were having an argument with different people and Bravo just edited them together in one scene.  It was like I was watching The Parent Trap (60’s version, of course)  I popped a Dramamine because all of their hand movements and gestures literally started to give me motion sickness.  I’m also pretty sure they were unwillingly signalling a terrorist attack.  If you see something, say something.  Just don’t have Tre say it because she’ll probably ask you what the words are.  “What’s that word again?  Confidence?”  The camera man can’t help you Tre.  He just can’t. I thank God every day she doesn’t home-school those children.  Anyeyes, the fight ends by Melissa walking away (after talking about dropping off gifts at a pre-school?) and Tre making jokes about their husbands cheating on them.  I was more than confused.  Plus, my mind started wandering thinking about Rosie putting on one of those fairy costumes and singing “Hey Big Spender” to me.  Rosie, if you’re out there…join me on my Facebook page.  Let’s be friends for life!

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