Well tip your 40 because another full season of RHONJ has come to a close and so has the 2-part reunion. It’s rude that Bravo has ignored my letters and requests that this show be aired 7 days a week for 6 hours a day and include a special Christmas chuckie episode. It’s like I’m invisible.
I hate to admit it, but the 2nd part of the reunion wasn’t as good as the first. Kind of like Karate Kid II not being good as Karate Kid I. I mean, I still liked it and will watch it when they rerun it 15 times over the next 2 days, but I was a little let down. I thought more punches would have flown. Although there were still some entertaining parts. For example, I liked it when Teresa told Danielle she was going to “pin her down.” I’m sure they edited out the rest of the sentence because my guess is that it went something like this, “B*tch, I’m gonna pin you down…and make you do ‘fabulous!'” That’s how I hear she gets Milania to do it. I also enjoy the fact that Teresa has, for some reason, completely replaced Danielle’s name with “B*tch.” She’s like, “B*tch we don’t talk about you” and “Bring the B*tch out here” and “Do we stalk you, B*tch?” It really has a nice ring to it. Like a Fugazi ring.
After calling Danielle a whore and a pig for about 10 minutes, Danielle decides to walk off the stage. Jacqueline tries to charge back there like a horse in heat, but only makes it 3 steps and runs out of steam while Andy has to hold her back. This has officially turned into an episode of Springer. After Danielle yelled out, “Round ’em up” she did this horrifying laugh that I will have nightmares about until the next full moon. She then stands up and says, “And me and Caroline are the same age and (points to her own body) hello!” Yes Danielle your bony over tanned body with red sparkly dress pulled all the way up to your rack and wife-beater does look tempting. You’re about one hairsprayed weave away from becoming Charro.
Later an argument starts up about some random online stalker (not me) Tweeting to Danielle that his birthday wish is that Jacqueline’s daughter, Meg Griffin, would kill herself. Apparently Danielle reTweeted that she hopes all of his dreams come true. That is horrible. Although, in Danielle’s defense I’m pretty sure that Jacqueline feels he same way. Of course, Danielle denies all this even though we all read that a month ago and Jacqueline is literally showing the Twitter conversation on her phone to Danielle herself. Danielle just keeps on yelling, “show me the proof.” I keep yelling, “Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!”
Just when things start to turn into a little snoozefest, Danielle brings out her mannquein head out of a black bag that has a multicolored weave attached to it. So, you know, just another normal day for Danielle. While she’s explaining to everyone the “mechanics” of a weave Caroline can’t stop laughing and neither can I. This is pretty much the most ridiculous ridiculous thing I’ve seen from, well, 5 minutes ago but, still, it’s ridiculous. Danielle then has Andy try to rip the weave off the mannequin head and he’s having a real tough time doing it. Perhaps if he yells “gurl!” while pulling, the hair will just easily come out in his hand. At this point Teresa decides that if someone pays her $100,000 that she’ll get into a ring and fight Danielle. I mean, let’s face it, Teresa will get into the ring for $10.00 and fight her as she is $11 million in debt and every dollar counts.
Later, a surprise tornado hits the stage known as Kim G! Hooray! And she even is debuting her new eyes! What a real treat. Kim G, who’s wearing the same dress my sister wore to her junior prom in 1992, is there to stir up a little trouble, but it kind of fizzles out quickly. Kim G continues to flip-flop on all the issues. She tells Caroline that she was a little upset that at the Brownstone they put her table in the corner. Nobody puts Kim G in the corner! Caroline explains that it wasn’t the Brownstone’s fault and Kim G just says, “yeah I know that. I know that.” Seriously, what?!
After Kim G gets into a little cat fight with Teresa about what was and wasn’t (??) said in Teresa’s blog and Kim G’s Tweets her segment is over. I wonder if we’ll ever see and/or hear from Kim G again? She’s going to be like Judy from “Family Matters” and run up the stairs and never been seen again.
As if things couldn’t get more strange, in the end Jacqueline decides that she wants to apologize to Danielle for everything she’s ever said about her and done to her. Jacqueline claims she doesn’t like the way any of this makes her feel or the person she’s become. This makes Danielle apologize to Jacqueline as well. Caroline looks like she’s about to combust. Danielle then gets up and walks over to Teresa. I assumed she was going to stab her or start performing “Real Close” directly in front of her, but she ends up hugging her instead. Teresa responds by saying, “Faint!” Now THIS could have been the appropriate time for Milania to coming running on stage and yell “fabulous!” Oh well. She then goes over to hug Jacqueline for what seems like an awkward 15 minutes. I, of course, was red faced the entire time and started nervously tapping my foot and shaking my left leg. I kept glancing down at my clock (I said clock) to see if it was almost over because I was going to have to leave the room if the hug didn’t end soon.
Danielle ends up even shaking hands with Caroline. I’m sure Caroline will be sawing that hand off as soon as they yell “cut!” She’ll have to explain why she has a hook for next season.
Well, folks, that’s that. Again, not has exciting as the first part of the reunion, but toss in a mannequin head, a sprinkle of Kim G, a pinch of awkward hugs and, well, I’m happy. Wait a second. Didn’t they keep advertising this saying that someone was leaving for good? Why did they never mention that? I’m suing Andy Cohen and will see all of you on Judge Judy. Join Me on Facebook!