Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: Jillian’s Song is a Fugazi!

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  • It’s fitting that Teresa, Barney Rubble, and the “Fabulous” sisters are all playing Monopoly at the start of the crapisode.  It’s really a window into their current financial situation.  I think it’s good that they start teaching their girls things like “Go directly to jail.  Do not pass Go.  Do not collection $200.00” because I’m pretty sure Joe is going to to be going there for owing the government $11 million.    No “bank error” in your future this time, Rubble.
  • Every time Danielle’s doorbell rings a new person who’s a “friend” walks in the front door that we’ve never seen or heard of before.  Ever.
  • While Danielle’s house is huge, it’s kinda decorated like Ali’s parent’s house in the Karate Kid Part 1 movie.  Time to bring it from ’84 to at least ’92.  And, sadly, Teresa is right.  It kinda does look like it smells like dawg dog.
  • Danielle’s daughter, Christine, is drinking what I can only assume is a cup of blood and informing us all that she wants to donate the money she gets from her Sweet 16 party to charity.  And by “charity” I am, of course, talking about “Danielle’s Botox Fund.”  Why do I have a feeling that none of this is her idea?
  • They’re asking Christine how many friends she wants to invite to her Sweet 16 Charity and she looks puzzled by what the term “friends” means. I’m pretty sure that means she’s going to be inviting Kim G, Kim D, and friggin’ Cookie and Frannie.  To make things even more awkward, Danielle asks Christine if she wants to invite her father to the charity party.  I think that’s nice.  She should meet her father and it should be documented on television for my viewing pleasure.
  • Is it in Caroline’s contract that she just stand behind the counter of her house for the majority of her scenes?  It’s like when Phylicia Rashad was pregnant during a season of The Cosby Show and they just hid her behind the counter or behind a bag of groceries until she gave birth.  Maybe Caroline is “with child,” you know, through the Immaculate Conception.
  • Jacqueline and Chris head over to the Rubble’s for a little wine and random conversation.  The main topic is Teresa and Barney’s 10th wedding anniversary that’s coming up.  Barney is trying to have a conversation with Chris and is letting him know that the money isn’t “flowing” like it used to be, it just trickles in now.  Yeah, Barney, we read that.  And we also saw it on E! News.  And I’m also pretty sure I saw it fly by on the ticker tape thing at the bottom of the screen during the Today Show last week so, yeah, we’re all caught up.  Also, why does Barney always have a permanent look on his face like he’s just smelled a dirty diaper?  Anycrap, Chris suggests that he get her a “fugazi” which I assumed was Italian for “bigger forehead” but I figured a million people would ask me, “What is a fugazi” so I am here to tell you a “fugazi” is slang term meaning “fake or phony.”  Example:  “Donnie Brasco said that diamond ring is a fugazi.”  The More You Know (cue shooting star).
  • Meanwhile in “Why is This a Storyline” news, Albie joined the police academy until he can get into law school.  Yawny, yawn, yawn, yawn.  Oh, and he had to shave is head.  As a sidenote, his head is not shaved later in the episode.  Damn you editing machine!
  • Oh my dear baby Jesus.  Danielle’s daughter, Jillian, is going to be singing a song that she wrote for Christine’s Sweet 16.  I’m already embarrassed just typing this and I haven’t even heard her sing it yet.  Oh God.  She’s about to sing.  Uh oh.  I’m sweating.  I’m actually lowering the volume so my neighbors can’t hear this.  Oh dear Jesus she’s singing it.  It’s something about, “I’m always there for you, you’re always there for me, we’re more than friends, you’re part of my family.”  She must have written this about the camera crew.  More importantly, what is she doing with her voice?  Why is she singing it like that?  You know what?  It’s nice.  Gulp. It’s really…..unique.  It’s also on a whole different scale than when Danielle sang “Close to You.”  I love it.  Ringtone please!  I say this so I don’t get Bindi Irwin-like hate mail and nastygrams again.  Save ’em.
  • Why does Danielle keep calling her an “artist?”  Even when this poor girl forgets the lyrics and starts crying Danielle still tells her she has to do this.  She has a point.  I mean, the roof is leaking and someone needs to bring in some money to patch it so it might as well be the 8 year old.
  • Why is Real Housewives trying to continually embarrass me tonight?  Barney Rubble and Teresa are getting ready for “her” surprise anniversary plans.  First off, Joe needs to keep his shirt on at all times.  Second, he can’t fit into his Ed Hardy button down and Teresa tells him to stop lifting weights.  Um yeah, no.  What workout program is he following where his arms get bigger and his stomach gets even bigger?  He looks like one of those kids from the Third World country who sits by the train tracks and hasn’t eaten in 15 days.  You know, stomach-wise.  Maybe he should stop buying “boys husky” sized shirts form Abercrombie, no?
  • Barney surprises Teresa by bringing her on a helicopter ride over New York City and he looks like he has about 15 pounds of skid marks in his underoos.  Also, they’re both flying over NYC and see a huge park and they have to be told by the pilot that it’s Central Park.  Really?  They couldn’t have at least guessed that?
  • Things take a sharp left turn when Teresa wants to know if they’re flying to the Hamptons, but they actually end up at a Westin in Jersey City, New Jersey.  Let me tell you a little something about Jersey City.  Look, it’s not the worst place.  It’s actually decent.  But it’s still Jersey City.  It’s also about a 10 minute train ride into Manhattan.  Maybe if they didn’t spend $75,000 on a housewarming party they wouldn’t have to celebrate like “bridge and tunnel” people for their anniversary.
  • Once they’re at the hotel my secondhand embarrassment continues.  Barney places rose petals all over the bed and writes out “10” on the bedspread.  Obviously it takes Teresa 2 hours to figure out what that symbolizes.  He should have written “fabulous!
  • Barney’s “confidence juice” kicks in and he finally decides to share with Teresa the poem he’s written for her, which is: “Roses are red, violets are blue, roses are beautiful, and so are you.”  For those keeping track at home, yes, I have punched myself in the nutty-nuts a total of 14 times so far.  The waiter, who I believe is being portrayed by Joe Zee from “The City” looks as horrified as the rest of America must look right now.
  • As a surprise, Barney hid a yellow diamond ring in what I thought was one of Melania’s dirty diapers, but it actually was some chocolate cake.  Oh, and did I mention that not only is Barney a poet, but also a comedian too?  He is.  Because he “bought” her a yellow diamond ring he told he…wait for it….wait for it….punch yourself in the nuts/box…..wait for it….he told her he bought it in Yellowstone Park.  Someone cue the applause sign and let me know which lever I should pull so a piano falls on my head.
  • Teresa, during her one-on-one interview starts rambling off some crap about everyone has eyes, your eyes, love is eyes, and then she finally comes out with “love is in the eyes of the beholder.”   Seriously, someone test for something, please.  At least make her do a book report and see how it comes out.
  • To finish off the night, we’re forced to watch Teresa straddle Barney and listen to her tell us she’s horny.  Seriously, I think I just got pregnant.
  • Meanwhile, all Albie’s hair grew back for the scene where he and the rest of the gang are working out in the basement.  Efficient.  Next!
  • I can’t wait to see who Danielle’s husband is.  I mean, I know he’s going to be Regis’ age, but I need to see this with my own eyes.  He’s bringing his new wife so it only makes sense that Danielle put on her old engagement ring from him because, you know, that’s the normal way things go when you’re the Mayor of Sh*tshowland.
  • Jaqueline and Ashely/Meg Griffin are off to pick up her “summons” at the post office.  It’s fitting that Meg is wearing her signature Meg Griffin hat.  Shut up, Meg.  Damn it, Meg!  Meg thinks that this is all one big joke.  She’s the worst, ever.  She’s 19 and acts like she’s 14.  Now I don’t endorse hitting children, but I actually do, so I think that Jacqueline should take a belt to her back until she changes her attitude.  Sidenote, did you guys know that Ashely got a nose job the other day?  She still looks like Shrek.
  • It’s time for Christine’s Super Sweet 16!  We learn that Danielle got everything donated that night since the party is for “charity.”  Ohhhh now we know why Christine wanted to do this and why it looked like she was reading cue cards when she said she wanted to donate to charity earlier in the episode.
  • And cue “the father.”  Well, well, well.  Who would’ve guessed. He’s 100.  And, by the looks of it, a Level Three.  No wonder why he’s introducing himself to everyone.  He’s in a room full of kids.  He has to.  By law.
  • Poor little Jillian looks like she’s about to puke all over the place before she has to sing that beautiful song. If she’s looking to escape she should hide in Kim G’s super-sized poof.  Christine is showing early signs of becoming her mother when she grabs the mic and shouts, “You better be quiet when my sister sings or I’m going to get really pissed off.”  Oh no, don’t do that!  What will Cookie and Frannie think?!
  • It’s time for the song.  I can’t.  They are using sub-titles because, let’s face it, no one can understand a word of it.  But I love it.  I love every word.  I love every “note.”  I love all of it.  I can’t wait for her to be on a some sh*t-bag Disney Channel show.
  • Why do we have to end every episode with Ashely getting yelled at by her parents and then ultimately getting kicked out?  Yawn.

Next week looks awesome.  Not only is Dina back for the episode, but Kim G throws a napkin at Danielle and loses her sh*t and is screaming, swearing, and basically chasing her out of the restaurant…..again!  Bring. It. On.

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