Welcome to another recap of Real Housewives of New Jersey. This sh*t better start getting good because I’m losing hope that we’re really going to see a train wreck. I mean, I know it’s coming but I don’t want to have to wait until the last episode and waste all these weeks learning about the cast members snooze-fest kids. Anyway, here’s what went down last night on Housewives of the NJ:
- Finally Teresa is about to give birth. Thank Christ because I am sick of hearing about it. She is starting to have contractions at her house so she wakes up her husband, Joe, who looks at her like he has no idea she’s even pregnant. He actually asks her where she wants to go. Um, Disney World, Joe, she wants to ride Thunder Mountain.
- As Teresa packs up her hospital bag with clothes that still has tags on them, we’re forced to watch Joe walk around the house without his shirt on. For a second I thought there were two pregnant women in the house, but then I realized that one was Teresa and the other one was Barney Rubble. Joe/Barney isn’t phased that Teresa is about to have a baby fall out from between her legs so he has his morning coffee and sends some text messages while Teresa talks on the phone, checks her email, and makes her daughter French Toast.
- Once they finally make it to the hospital Teresa tells Joe/Barney that if he wants to have another baby after this then he can be the one to carry it….just like that guy she “saw on TV who had the baby.” Wow look at Teresa being up-to-date on “the news.” Joe already is carrying a baby so she’s going to have to wait for him to give birth before he can carry another one.
- Meanwhile Danielle and her kids head out to a nice strip mall dinner so that she can talk to her kids about the “bad side of modeling.” Why do her kids look like they’re constantly plotting Danielle’s death? I think it’s time to have a psychologist on set. Danielle’s daughter, Christine, says that while she wants to make it into the modeling industry she won’t get down on herself if she doesn’t make it. Good thought. Although Danielle will, more than likely, be on suicide watch if Christine doesn’t make it, as she needs to make many renovations to her house and, let’s face it, she’s going to need some extra money coming from various sources. Perhaps hooking?
- When did Teresa turn into Jill Zarin for me? I used to like her but now the sound of her voice makes me wants to run head first into my TV. I’m kidding, I would never do that to my TV. And when did she turn into Fran Drescher? Ugh, listening to Teresa get her epidural sounded like Fran Drescher was getting gang-banged in a blender by Barney Rubble, Dino, Bam-Bam, and Kazoo. I was waiting for Mr Sheffield to bust into the hospital room and do some real bad acting.
- Yawn. Jacqueline’s daughter comes over, wearing another one of Audrina’s berets from The Hills. Jacqueline wants Ashley to see a life coach, but Ashley says she’s all set with her life plan, which consists of taking a semester off and then going to community college in the summer. Way to reach for the stars, Ash!
- Chris, Caroline’s son, is trying to fulfill his life long dream of owning strip clubs and car washes. Therefore he’s headed off to Scores (strip club) in NYC to do a little research. While the girls were dancing on the stage in the background I kept on pausing my DVR to see if I could find Danielle back there. It was like trying to find Waldo in a skank farm.
- Teresa finally gives birth to a baby girl, go figure, and to my surprise Joe actually seems like he’s following along and understands what just happened, although the look on his face says, “Uh, duh, 2 of us walked into da hospital but, uh duh, three of us are walkin’ out of da hospital? Is dat right?” Teresa asks the nurse if she can start “putting stuff” on her new baby and I have no idea what that means, but I have a feeling that within moments this baby is either going to dressed for her Glamour Shots portrait or wearing a flower hat and sitting in a giant watering can.
- Jacqueline and her husband, Caroline Manzo, are having a glass of wine and chit-chatting about the train wreck that is Ashely. Somehow the conversation turns into what is in her husbands locked safe. Apparently no one knows what’s in it and no one has the combination to get into it. Hey welcome to a little thing called “marriage” trying “sharing stuff.” Chris opens up the human sized safe and to my surprise that is not where they keep the last remaining copy of “Cop Without a Badge.” Instead there are enough machine guns, rifles, and bullets in there to literally go to war and be well stocked for upwards of 3 months. Either that or they’re planning on loading up the covered wagon and heading out to the Oregon Trail and will need all this ammunition to go hunting for buffalo in the woods when one of their kids gets sick with Typhoid and needs some food. I know that used to always happen to me and I was a high class “Banker from Boston.”
- Danielle is out having breakfast at some hole-in-the-wall diner with some random friend. I’m surprised she didn’t call her “lady love.” Anyway, it is at this diner that we learn that the owner’s niece has a rare cancer and they are having a benefit for her at the Brownstone and Danielle is invited. I feel terrible that this is all because of a sick baby, but I am psyched that Danielle and all the Manzo’s will all be at the Brownstone at the same time. Is this when the “altercation” will happen? I assumed that went down during the very last episode of the season, but maybe it happens next week? I can’t wait!! Oh lady love!
- Dina is having a little “meeting” with Caroline and Jacqueline to discuss Danielle and how “Zen Jen” has instructed Dina into sitting down with Danielle to lay things out and let her know to leave her alone. Someone get the resuscitating equipment because I think Caroline is going to go into cardiac arrest. Caroline thinks that Dina should listen to Caroline and not “Zen Jen.” Dina just starts yelling at Caroline telling her that she’s just letting her know that she’s going to sit down with Danielle so that they don’t hear it from someone else and then go “ape sh*t.” Manzo’s, don’t fight! I’m kidding, keep fighting! Someone flip the table over because, I have to tell you, this season is a little bit of a snooze.
- Jacqueline Says Something Funny Alert: Jacqueline actually had me laughing during her 1 on 1 interview when she makes fun of the 4 names that Danielle has had over the years and then she looks into the camera and says each of those names. Haha good stuff. I now no longer wish that Jacqueline used her husbands machine gun that he keeps in the safe on me and her. See how that works? Win me over with laughter.
- Chris’s half-stripper car wash scene seems over produced and a little staged. Don’t you dare pull this crap ever again Real Housewives. Never. Again. Ok, well maybe only one more time.
- Back to the crazy-train that is Danielle. She heads over to her friend Danny’s house. I think Danny lives in a small ski resort? I have no idea. I see a lot of wooden beams, stone walls, and stuffed animals. No, like actual animals that are stuffed. We learn that Danny served “hard time” in prison for 4 years and didn’t see the light of day for 22 hours. We don’t actually know what Danny did, but we do know that Danielle won’t tell us. We also know that he hasn’t gotten his haircut since the 80’s and/or perhaps during his prison days. Danny’s friend is also in this scene. He too served time in prison for things we don’t know. All I know is that watching these three in a scene together has made me look around my apartment to make sure everything is still there because I feel like I’m getting mugged just watching them.
- Danny is going to “escort” Danielle to the Brownstone to make sure that nothing happens. I mean they are going to a charity event for a sick baby and you know how violent those things get! Danielle spews out more nonsense when she says, “When Danny takes my back people better be listening. I will not have to say ‘pay attention puh-lease’ anymore because Danny can speak without words.” Seriously what the hell is she talking about?! It’s like she took 4 different lines from the “80’s Threats” book and then strung them together into a couple of random sentences. I think I need to pay attention, puh-lease.
- In the end Teresa asks Dina to be the new baby’s Godmother and they both cry and I feel really really awkward.
- Caroline learns from her husband that Danielle will be attending the charity event at the Brownstone. I do like how Caroline is calling Danielle, “Love and Light Danielle.” Brilliant.
I can’t wait for next weeks crapisode! I think it’s the one where the assault goes down…or at least is starts. Bring it on!