Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: Gia Losing the Gymnastics Meet is Breaking Her Family Apart, I Think

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Way to F up my Sunday night schedule of getting into bed at 7pm whilst I regret the entire weekend and shake.  Now I need to stay alert to watch people from New Jersey entertain me and make me feel better/worse about my life or as people in some other countries say, “mi vida.”  I’m not sure which countries as I do not know them all.  Anyexpiredpassports, you know what I love about the opening credits and never mentioned before?  I love how they actually add Melissa’s cat noises into the mix just like they added the sound of the gun going off during Peggy’s opening credit during the RHOC.  I think they need to add more sound effects like this.  For example, I think they should alternate between Teresa screaming “Unattended!?”  and Barney Rubble slurring, “You’s sons-a-b*tches!”  But enough about me and how I would run things if Bravo gave me access, here’s what went down last night on RHONJ:

Well we’re about 11 seconds into the crapisode so it only makes sense that Melissa and Doozer are already trying to plug Melissa’s upcoming music career.  As she’s “hanging clothes” in Mariah Carey’s live-in closet, Melissa just happens to be belting out a little “Amazing Grace.”  Oh, and, what do ya know, the camera crew happens to be there too.  As the Irish say, “Que Suerte, ole!”  I, of course, was red faced with embarrassment like when you see a nun eating a hot dog in the park trying to look sexy, but I noticed myself saying, “huh?!” when she was singing the part that goes “…and saved a wretch like me” except I’m pretty sure she said “saved a wench like me.”  For all those times she kisses her hands, looks up to the sky, and screams out “Thank you Jesus!” you know Jesus was finally yelling back down, “Girl, you are a wench!”  Also, perhaps Melissa and Doozer never got the memo that the American public is only interested in hearing music from Housewives that involves lyrics that mention:  money, class, oh yeah, my friend, tardy, and/or party.  If Melissa’s lyrics don’t involve that I’m less than interested.

So you know who’s still on suicide watch?  One Mrs Caroline “New Hairstyle Every Week” Manzo.  Since she filmed all the scenes she possibly could in Hoboken, we now have to watch Caroline watching her husband play golf on a cold Autumn day.  She is so bummed that her kids have moved out of the house that I’m pretty sure she’s only holding a golf club right now in hopes that a sudden thunder storm creeps up on them and lightning strikes her on the 18th hole and in her 2nd hole.  I’ll let you decide which one that is.  It’s like Choose Your Own Adventure here at IBBB.  Since Caroline has nothing to do, her husband has an idea that since she writes a blog about parenting advice that she should try to take her blog to another level and maybe get her own radio show.  In the words of Angelina from Jersey Shore, “Um, hello?”  Let me give you a little advice, I’ve been writing this here trash dump blog for almost 5 years now and you want to know what level I’ve gotten this to?  I’ll let you know when I get there.

Ashley got a car.  Next.  Actually, wait.  Her ratty blue “Audrina Patridge” beret is back…moth holes and all!  Next.

Is it just me or is Barney Rubble in bed all the time now?  Maybe he has mono?  One may never know.  All I do know is that Doozer called and left Teresa a message on her voicemail saying that he wants to come and see Gia practice for her audition for that movie with The Rock at her gymnastics meet and then, perhaps, talk things over with Teresa after.  This literally brings Gia (z-snap) to tears and then Teresa starts to form some tears as well.  You know who wasn’t crying?  Milania.  That chick was screaming and slapping at people and, of course, not one snot nosed kid was yelling “Fabulous!”  It’s like I hardly know the Guidice’s anymore.  Although I am happy for Gia as she seems really excited her uncle is going to see her and, well, braces are a tough time for any kid so any glimmer of light that can shine down on her during her pre-awkward years the better.

So we’re still on that singing kick with Melissa.  She and her sister are dressed, per usual, like they’re on their way to the latest “Quince” but they are only going shopping at one of Jersey’s “hot spots” that probably smells like Mortadella and unaccomplishment.  Whilst Melissa is trying on some flammable Fly Girl clothes, her sisters are talking up the owner of the store and still can’t get their perm-a-grin smiles off their faces over the fact that they’re on a television show.  It seems like just yesterday they were all eating Nutella.  Remember when we used to eat Nutella?  Let me know what you think about the Nutella Latkes.  Take steak. As Melissa is draped in the same Jiffy Pop aluminum that they used in the  “balloon boy” hoax, they all talk about what a great singer she is and how she has the look to be a singer and everything.  What a real joy.  I just hope if she ever becomes really famous she goes back to that hairdo she had in that picture we saw of her and sisters from when she was little.  It looked like she was wearing a crown of pubes.  Bring that back.  ImBringingCrownPubesBack (.org – we’re a non-profit).  Anyjunk, I think Melissa and Teresa should team up and do a new version of “Brother for Sale” by the Olsen Sluts.  Alas, we’ll have to wait because Melissa is working with a songwriter that Kat (Don’t go there Kat.  Kat, I’m serious Kat, don’t go there Kat)  found in the musty basement of her church.  Apparently Melissa has been texting him some words every now and then and he’s going to make it into a song.  Great.  You wanna know what my song would sound like if someone used my text messages?  “Hey stupid.  Why are you an idiot?  It’s f’n hot out.  Skank.”  I mean, personally, I think it’s catchy but maybe some of you may not.

Switching gears.  What’s up with Mort’s contract for the kids?  To my surprise (insert sarcastic side-eye here) Kat’s 14 year old son is named Joe.  Go figure.  Kat and Mort make the kids draft up contracts once a year so that they’ll never drink or take drugs.  Is there and asterisk in there somewhere that says something along the lines of “Once this season airs and the kids become semi-famous they shall binge drink and try meth three times per week.”  Well, there should be because that’s what’s going to happen.  Joe informs Kat and Mort that he’s not saying that on a Friday or Saturday he’s not going to have a drink.  You wanna know what my parents would have said if I said that to them when I was 14?  They would have calmly said, “Oh great, thanks for being honest.  Now get in the f*ckin washing machine.”  I think Kat should have to sign a contract that says she’ll show us more pictures of her entire family from 10 years ago because I can’t get enough of them.  Oh, and what was up with the giant poster size Glamour Shots picture of the daughter in the foyer of the house wearing a cowboy hat and some type of netting as a shirt?  I would have drawn a mustache and devil horns on that within the first 15 seconds of it being put up and, well, then I would have just got into the washing machine.

Later the songwriter, Antony (no “H” needed) heads over the Melissa’s house to sing the song for her that he created based off her text messages.  It’s not horrible but it didn’t have the words “tardy” or “party” in it so I couldn’t really comprehend its messaging.  I’m dumb like that.  To make matters worse, Melissa does not have a voice from Satan as I originally assumed.  That frustrates me.  What am I supposed to make fun of?  I guess we’ll just have to wait for the “live” performance one day on Watch What Happens Live where she’ll hopefully perform in Paula Abdul’s “Vibeology” costume.  Fingers and noses crossed.

Some other crap happens like Ashley changing her blue ratty beret to a pink ratty beret and having her “dad” buy her a Jeep whilst she acts like an ungrateful garbage disposal, especially when he says that he may want to take her car from time to time and she throws a fit and says that she doesn’t want a car at all then.  So, yeah, that happened.  What else?  Oh yeah Caroline thought she was going to get gang raped on the side of the road in Trenton when she went for her radio interview and, pretty much, she hit the nail on the head because that’s what happens in Trenton.  Just gang rapes and plenty of ’em.

The remainder (carry the 1) of the episode consists of Gia’s big gymnastics meet.  She is all excited that her “Zio” Joe is going to be there to watch her compete and I actually felt bad when he ended up missing all of her events.  She seems crushed.  She even messed up on that one event when you run like your a** is on fire in a straight line and then jump on some springboard and flip over the horse.  I’m sure Milania would tear it up at these events.  Anyway, Gia was so devastated that she could barely z-snap.  Then, on the other hand, Barney Rubble in the crowd had no clue what the F was going on.  I’m sure he was daydreaming of making pizzas.  Every time Gia messed up Barney would go, “Tre, did she mean to do that?”  Yeah, Barney, she meant to fall face first off the balance beam with her a** in the hair and kiss the mat.  Totally planned.  Tre-bagger was no better, really, because she enables him.  She kept telling him things like, “We’re so proud of her, right?”  and “She’s doing so good, right?”  We get it.  Gabriella should have been standing off camera holding up giant cue-cards for Juicy Fruit Joe and then Milania could have busted through the sign yelling, “Snap into a SlimJim, eat me!

Finally once all the events were over Doozer and Melissa (who’s still sticking with the bedazzled/bejeweled Monica Lewinsky beret) finally make it to the meet just in time for the award ceremony.  Barney Rubble says to Tre-bagger that he doesn’t want to be near them and then when their daughter says hello to Tre, Barney just points and goes, “Who’s this one?” to the little girl and then gets pissed that she never says hi to him.  Awesome.  I’m starting to like him more and more.  I can’t wait for the episode where he roundhouse kicks that punching bag in the garage on Christmas morning.  Anyelf, Tre-bagger immediately starts asking them why they’re late and keeps telling them that Gia didn’t do as good as she could have because she was pre-occupied trying to figure out where her uncle was.  Way to smooth things over, Tre.  Melissa looks disgusted.  Perhaps she should sing her upcoming song on the gym mat or maybe just do that awkward runway walk again?  Sky is the limit.

You know who I kinda felt bad for?  The kids.  I know, I know I have 1/10th of a heart tonight.  All the little kids were playing so nicely together and wanted to go over each others houses, but couldn’t because their parents were all being douche-bags.  Although, I’m grateful for their douchiness because had they not been douche nozzles then we would be stuck watching Caroline on the radio for 60 minutes so, well, there’s that.  I also kinda feel bad for Teresa because I really think she was trying to be kind of nice to Doozer and he was barely talking to her.  Personally I think there’s nothing wrong with being fake just to keep everyone happy.

In the end, everyone goes home and Melissa starts crying to Doozer about something about his family not ever caring about her and only interested in him and blah blah burp.  I started to tune all this out because I thought of a GREAT song title for her, which is, “Remember When We Used to Eat Nutella?”  And then if they ever make video for the song she can smear Nutella all over her gentlemen greeter and then have a dog lick it off…and they can show it on Pay-Per-View and “The Internet.”  I am so smart.

Fabulous!

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