Well, well, well, it looks like our journey ends here. We’ve laughed, we’ve cried, we didn’t do much of anything else. How is it already time for the season finale? I’d like to thank Jesus Claus for bringing in new characters to my life like Kim G and Kim D. I’d like to thank Santa Christ for that two-part trip to Italy. I’d like to thank all of you for reading each and every week. Also, this is basically how my Emmy Award acceptance speech will go when I win for “Best Loser Blogger Who Sits at Home and Watch Endless Hours of Reality TV and Then Writes About It.” Anycrap, here’s what went down on the season finale of RHONJ:
- Teresa and Barney Rubble are having dinner over at the Foreclosure Palace for Caroline, Jacqueline, and their families. Barney is showing about as much cleavage as Teresa is, while Teresa is wearing what I can only assume is her 1987 prom dress with one of the sleeves ripped off. I’m sure somewhere in the house Milania has her head through that sleeve and is yelling “Fabulous!” into the mirror while Gia does splits on her bed and “the other one” goes through her moms desk to find her birth certificate to see who her actual parents are.
- Caroline, who’s looking more and more like Ma’am Papadopoulis each passing day, decides that she is going to text message Danielle in hopes of meeting her for a little get-together so she can stop this nonsense once and for all and see if shell drop the charges against Ashely/Meg Griffin. Please, I hope Meg gets tossed in the slammer and has to fight an entire gang of prostitutes for cigarettes and mashed potatoes. Well, at least that’s what my birthday wish was. Ole!
- Of course when Danielle receives this text message, that’s only 2 short little lines, she tries to read all these hidden messages into it. When the message says, “I’d like to put an end to all this nonsense” Danielle freaks out and says, “I’d like to? Oh, like SHE gets to decide?” The crazy trickles down to the daughters. Jillian says “Who would want to go?” and that only a crazy person would want to go meet Caroline, Danielle looks at her like she’s ready to give her up for adoption and, to be honest, I think Jillian would be ok with that. As long as she can continue to sing “We are Sisters” I’m ok with it too.
- Danielle, whose eyebrows are for some reason shaped like a ski-jump and trying to escape her forehead by way of her nose in this episode, says that this meeting with Caroline will be “Matriarch to Matriarch.” This is when I turned red with embarrassment, pulled down my pants, opened up a hardcover book, put my ding-a-ling in it, and then slammed it shut repeatedly until I passed out. Luckily, I woke up when the commercial break ended. Ironically I have a craving for Sonic and I never even had it before.
- Yay! Meg Griffin is back and she’s sporting her ratty, nasty, blue hat that must house hundreds of moths and smell like the basement of a church and/or the underside of Lohan’s weave. They let Meg know that “Aunt” Caroline is going to chit-chat with Danielle so Meg needs to stop contacting Danielle, talking about Danielle, teasing Danielle online, etc. Basically if Meg just went to school or had a full-time job like a normal 19 year old maybe she wouldn’t be so bored and have to think of “witty” comments to make about Danielle? Just sayin’. Damn it, Meg!
- Hey! Even Danny made it into the season finale! Que suerte! Danny stops by Danielle’s dog-smellin’ house to show off his new Davy Jones haircut and sit on Danielle’s stairs while she cleans out her closet and throws away things like a coat, some bags, and (I’m not joking) “ball in a cup.” She’s throwing away 2 of “ball in a cup” in fact. I am very proud of myself that I spotted these two items. I feel like I should win a prize so I’m going to get another beer, one to drink and the other to put between my legs since that whole “slamming my honky tonk in a book until I passed out” from minutes ago. I don’t want it to swell. Or do I? Da-da duuuuun!
- Danielle’s Word of the Season: Proverbial
- Danielle’s Incorrect Use of a Word This Season: Woman/Women. This is where the producers should jump in and correct her.
- As Caroline puts on a face-full of makeup and picks out a nice dress for her confrontation with Danielle, Danielle calls her “energist” so she can give her “love and light” over the phone. Seriously, how much does something like this cost? Poor Jillian could probably get her braces off early if Danielle would stop wasting money on herself. Love and light? How about dollars and cents? Hey-oh!
- Caroline drives herself to this confrontation, but Danielle decides to have one of her new “bodyguards” drive her in what I can only assume is a 1999 black Ford Focus while the other new “bodyguard” waits outside of the restaurant with a gun. Because at the end of the day, Caroline might, she just might, do something bad enough during this conversation that requires her to be shot to death? This is insanity.
- Meanwhile, the rest of the gang is at the Brownstone having dinner and waiting for Caroline to show up dead so they can identify her body. Meg Griffin ends up sassing her mother (Lois?) in front of everyone and Jacqueline ends up having to yell at her. This makes Meg leave in a huff and lock herself in the public bathroom. I’m pretty sure this happened in a past episode of “The Fact’s of Life.” I guess that also kind of makes her cousin Jerry.
- Well, it’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for! Danielle has arrived to the back room of the restaurant where Caroline is waiting for her dressed like she’s heading out to an inaugural dinner. Danielle walks in like a robot and goes directly to her chair without really even looking at sweet Caroline (so good! so good! so good!). The conversation actually starts out pretty civil. Caroline is almost speaking at a whisper and Danielle is, so far, agreeing with what Caroline is saying. I’m sorry, but is there any chance that Teresa can come running out from behind the wall screaming, “You’re being Punk’d, bitch!” and then flip over her table? Damn it. Maybe next season?
- Things start to get a little spicy when Caroline brings up the whole “Meg Griffin tried to kill you” situation and Danielle won’t back down from it. Danielle lets us know that she never gave Caroline permission for her or her family to attack her. This is when Caroline loses it a bit. She wants to know 1 example where Caroline or her kids tried to attack Danielle. When Danielle tries to change the subject Caroline is trying to force her to give her that 1 example. Maybe they should try to fight each other with their bare breasts? That usually solves problems, doesn’t it? Well it does in the convent so I just assumed it would work in this situation as well. Honestly, I have no idea what in the hell I’m talking about. Maybe I was attacked by nuns when I little? It’s likely. I should look into that.
- After drudging up the past about Danielle going to the Brownstone with her entourage and them calling Caroline’s son “names,” and blah blah blah it actually gets a bit funny because Caroline says, “You know what you are? A clown. You’re a clown and your life is a joke.” To which Danielle responds with, “Oh I’m the clown? You’re saying this and you’re the one with the red hair and I’m the clown?” I actually laughed at this. Damn it I hate when Danielle makes me laugh. These “woman” are crazy!
- Caroline fights back and says the one thing that, for some reason, makes Danielle as mad as a hornet with overly arched eyebrows, and that is, “And when I called you garbage I meant that you were garbage!” This makes Danielle get up and leave the dinnerless confrontation. Caroline lets Danielle know that she’s walking away from her and to have a nice life. I think if Caroline had access to a bow and arrow she would use it. Maybe the bodyguards and guns wasn’t such a bad idea?
- After Danielle leaves the restaurant and fills in Bodyguard #2 what happened (sidenote, he couldn’t give less of a sh*t), she has messages for the rest of the gang. These heartfelt warm wishes include her thoughts that Joe is a drunk, Jacqueline is certifiable, and then a special shout out to Teresa and her daughters saying that, “When my girls were that age they were wearing lace and crinoline….my dogs wore leopard.” Oh no she di’nt!
- In the end Caroline heads back to the Brownstone and fills in the gang on what went down. Danielle brings her bodyguards home to show her daughters that she’s alive and she makes them thank the bodyguards for that. Jillian gives one of them an awkward hug and I’m almost positive I heard her whisper in his ear, “Take me with you” or maybe she said, “Shoot the b*tch and I’ll say it was an accident.”
Well another season has come to an end. Overall I thought it was decent. I would have liked to see some more physical altercations but, you know, I’m a classless animal like that. I am pumped for the 2-part reunion show over the next two weeks. It’s like an extra little gift from Santa Christ.
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