Go get your prosciutto sandwich out of the oven and start mopping your friggin linoleum floors because the Real Housewives of New Jersey is back! Now I don’t know how they’re ever going to top the table flip from last year, but since Dina, Caroline, Theresa, and Jacqueline have been on a media blitz for the past week telling us this season beats the table flip, I’m going to have to believe them because, well, what else am I going to do? I was so psyched that the new season was starting that, like Danielle, I was stuck in the house for two weeks with diarrhea. Cha-cha-cha! So let’s see what went down last night on The Real Housewives of New Jersey…..
- Even the opening credits provide entertainment. What in the hell did Caroline have done to herself? Did she lose weight? Did she get some work done? Why does she look like that lady Cassie who lived downstairs from Webster, you know, when you move the wall clock and walked down the secret ladder? And Jacqueline is rubbing herself and is making me feel like she’s just about to show me a dinette set at the Showcase Showdown. With that said, I’d like to bid $14,079.
- We kick things off with Jacqueline’s home videos of giving birth. I sh*t you not, we have to watch this. Yawn. Any chance Theresa can come to the hospital and flip the bed over or something?
- Meanwhile, Dina is home reading a magazine, talking to Mr. Wrinkle, and telling us that she doesn’t want any negativity in her life and only wants positive energy. We also learn that since she met Danielle, Dina’s gotten mean letters and her mailbox was vandalized. Seriously, that’s nothing. In the last scene Jacqueline’s box just got vandalized by that new baby. You don’t see her complaining do you?
- Finally! I have to admit, the first few minutes had me zoning out. That is until Danielle came and saved the day. Since she is a devote Catholic, the Mary Magdalene of our generation really, Danielle heads to church to meet with Father Richard to talk about all the drama in her life. I hate to say it, but Father Richard kind of speaks in the same way that those junk emails are written where they’re letting you know you just inherited $25,000,000 because the Prime Minister of Nigeria’s brother was on his death bed with a broken leg and wants me to put that money in my bank account to help save his wife who has gone missing with the checking account number. Just sayin’.
- For some reason Danielle is recapping season 1 of Housewives to Father Richard like she’s talking to Andy Cohen. Father Richard looks like he’s about to do Shasta McNasty’s in his pants, like he’s going to get in trouble by the Pope for being in a scene on this show. At one point she is, literally, yelling at Father Richard and saying things like, “I’m not a whore, I’m not a crack head, I’m not a prostitute.” Later she’s yelling at him about the other girls saying, “They don’t go to church. If they do to church it’s unbeknownst to me. I go to church every Sunday.” Is this scene actually happening? Am I dreaming this like that one time I had a dream that I went to the Knicks game with Dina and Alexia? In the end she wants Father Richard to teach her how to pray for the other cast-members. Yup, this all makes sense to me. Geesh, the church will stop at nothing to distract us from the pesky child molestation issue and, you know what, it worked. What kids?
- In keeping up with every Italian stereotype we can, Theresa and her family are making 180 jars of tomato sauce, This includes help from her parents, and all of her daughters. At one point I think I saw the 3 year old with a butcher knife slicing the rot off the tomatoes. When Theresa’s friend comes over, Theresa and her father make sure that she’s not on her period. Technically they say, “Do you have time of the month?” like you would ask someone “Do you have a dollar?” I’m not sure why you can’t “have time of the month” when making sauce, but apparently you can’t. Maybe they peel the tomatoes by stuffing them up the old choochola and popping them back out into the jar? One may never know. What we do know, however, is that while last year a member of Theresa’s family made some gay slurs, this season her daughter is making some Jewish slurs, when almost crying over the fact that she doesn’t want to marry a Jewish guy. I, for one, would like to say that interesting examples are being set over at Theresa’s house. I’m calling DSS. Also, why does Theresa’s husband look like he hurts when he’s just standing there. Ouch.
- Caroline’s husband, Albert, lost 70 pounds since last year so, to celebrate, they’re at Barney’s spending about $9,000 on a suit, shirt, and tie. Seriously, for that price I’d wear that suit every day, all day, and then I’d be buried in it….even if I wasn’t dead.
- It’s the first day of school for Theresa’s kids and they’re all dressed like they’re going to the Roxy for Ladies Night. Theresa is making her littlest daughter constantly say “Fabulous” as she stands in the hallway. Uh, yeah, she’s going to be a real treat in the classroom. Theresa also lets us know that she has 3 kids and she doesn’t have nanny or any help. Wait a second, you mean you raise all three kids by yourself in your mansion? What? What do you mean? How do you take care of these kids without a nanny? Seriously, kill yourself. You’re a mother who doesn’t work, you shouldn’t have a nanny.
- Meanwhile, Danielle goes to see her “friend” Kim D at some random store that she owns that I’m pretty sure is Fashion Bug and is located at a strip mall. Danielle is friends with the most random people. I think she just needs people to be able to tell stories to. First the priest, and now this lady who owns this store. I imagine that when the Fed Ex guy comes to deliver a package she invites him in to tell him about Dina and Caroline.
- You know who I don’t care about? Jacqueline’s 18 year old daughter and her 23 year old boyfriend. You know what topic I don’t care about? Her daughter and her boyfriend moving in together and having sex. Next.
- Ugh, why is there so much time spent on what all their kids are doing? Now we’re catching up with Caroline’s kids and how her son’s best friend, Vito, is now dating Caroline’s daughter Lauren. We learn all this while Vito and Albie are, literally, shoveling sh*t out of the backyard in preparation for some random benefit for a Sheriff that they’re having tonight. Yup, this scene was somehow considered entertaining enough to be put on national television.
- Random Fact-o-the-Day: Danielle claims that Dina used to stock shelves a few years ago at the beauty salon she went to. Not really sure what to do with that, but I like the mental image.
- In the end, we are all in attendance of that $1,000 per person benefit that Caroline is throwing for the town Sheriff. That random lady, Kim D from “the store,” is also at this party. She and her boyfriend are a complete drunken mess, yet entertaining all at the same time. Kim’s boyfriend doesn’t want Kim hanging out with Danielle because “she’s a pig.” Theresa then tells us that Danielle must have slept with 500 guys and that “her hole must be as big as, not the Lincoln tunnel, not the Holland tunnel…what’s the longest tunnel?” I mean, I give Theresa kudos for even knowing and being able to use the term “tunnel.” Good for her.
- The whole time we’re watching the boring party scene all whilst Danielle and her daughters are on a stalking mission and planning to drive by the party to see who showed up because, you know, that’s totally normal. At one point, during her 1 on 1 interview, Danielle says, “I’m just saying, if you’re all as thick as thieves why do you have to raise money for the Sheriff’s department?” Huh? What does that even mean? That’s like saying, “You have brown hair so why do you need cars in your driveway?” I’m confused.
- In the end, Danielle’s 8 year old daughter talks some sense into her and tells her not to drive to Caroline’s house. However, Theresa continues her “Tour de Confusing Statements” when she tells us that Danielle puts the “cont” in “contradiction” beyotch. Theresa puts the “what” in “whatthef*ckareyoutalkingabout” hairline.
Alright so this certainly wasn’t the best episode, but watching Danielle yell at the priest was certainly the highlight of the episode for me. What did you think?