Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: Dina Leaves the Show, My Life Loses Any and All Meaning

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Time for another Crazy-Bag-o-Real-Housewives-of-New-Jersey!  It was Bravo overload last night.  Here’s what went down, besides Danielle and Kim G on the stripper pole, last night on Real Housewives of New Jersey:

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  • We’re back from the “…to be continued” from last week where Dina and her pink strands of hair are meeting with Danielle at Chakra to let her know that she is all done with having Danielle in her life.  Danielle doesn’t really take this too well and starts providing responses from the “Kelly Bensimon Book of Crazy.”  She’s bringing up stuff about Ashley, Jacqueline and she even tosses a thing or two about Caroline as well.  The best part though is when Danielle starts raising her voice in the restaurant and everyone who’s eating is just sitting there watching her yell at Dina.  One lady is actually smiling.  I would smile too.  I’d probably hold up a giant foam finger and start the wave.  By the end of the conversation Danielle who has an entire head of fake hair says to Dina, “You are as fake as that hair on your head.”  I thought Dina’s hair was real…..well real except the one or two red Kool Aid strands that she sports.  Dina walks out, but not before turning her Kool Aid head back and saying, “Shut the F up your stupid b*tch.”  That’s not shocking as that is the proper way one says goodbye to someone in the land known as  New Jersey.
  • Luckily Danny is outside waiting with backup to swoop in and help Danielle in case Dina tried to murder Danielle in a public place and on television….so she calls him and he drags his 80’s hair into the restaurant so Danielle can feel safe and tell her version of the story, which is quite interesting.
  • The Manzo’s and Teresa’s family are heading out to a giant pumpkin patch so that their kids can go on hay rides and confuse others by wearing all Burberry to a farm.  Jacqueline tosses in a few Danielle = pig jokes and Joe/Barney Rubble points out to Milania that the pumpkins are bigger than her.  If I were her I would have responded by saying, “Oh yeah, and they’re as orange as you, roids.”  Why does Joe talk like he’s always choking on hairballs?
  • Whilst at the pumpkin patch, the guys all decide to mumble out an invite to boring Ashley’s dumb boyfriend for their monthly poker game.  Barney Rubble talks about hazing Ashely’s boyfriend and initiating him during the poker game and I’m really hoping that the words “haze” and “initiate” somehow mean “get larges sums of money from others” because Barney Rubble has quite the bills to pay…you know…with the foreclosures and all.  Milania is going to have to take her “fabulous” show on the road to help the family out.  Fabulous.
  • Back on the crazy train, Danielle is meeting up with her “girlfriends” at some random restaurant in a strip mall called “Restaurant” according to the sign.  It must be fancy as there is fake ivy plants at every booth.  Ooh la la!  Danielle’s “girlfriends” are so random.  They’re like the Droopy-Drawers-Gang.  Kim G is sporting a leopard headband, which is pretty pointless considering that her hair is always AquaNet’d in the same exact position in each episode.  It’s basically like putting a lock on your seat-belt….unnecessary.
  • When Danielle fills the Droopy-Drawers-Gang in on what happened between her and Dina it….well…it…well….it basically took a crazy turn.  Not only is Danielle’s side of the story different from what we actually saw with our own eyes, but Danielle, for some inexplicable reason, has given Dina a British accent when she’s doing the impersonation of her.  It’s basically like she’s acting out Shakespeare, no joke.  She’s even doing overly dramatic hand gestures to the point where the girls actually ask Danielle if Dina really did that and she replied “yes, with the hands.”  Kim G said she would have slapped her hands down, but I really think she would have rammed Dina’s hands with her helmet-head like a charging rhinoceros.
  • The best part, however, is when Danielle informs everyone that the next morning Dina sent Danielle a long email.  She then puts on her half-glasses and begins to read this email over her iPhone like she’s Mother Goose spewing out nursery rhymes.  All the girls are leaning forward around the table hanging on Danielle’s every dramatically inspired word.  At the end I was waiting to hear Danielle say, “Ok girls, story time is over.  Now go get your mats because it’s nap time!”
  • The “next day” Kim G heads over to Jacqueline’s house because, you know, that makes sense.  They get to talking about Danielle and Kim G is totally playing both sides of the fence.  She’s stirring the pot, but not because I think she’s crazy, but more so because she’s trying to get camera time and make it as a regular character on the show.  You can’t fault her for that.
  • Later, Danielle and the Droopy-Drawers-Gang head over to a friends house and Danielle informs them that her ex from last season, Steve, was trying to sell a sex tape that he, allegedly, made of Danielle with hidden cameras.  She claims because of all of this she doesn’t know how to be sexy any more and is afraid to date.  Honestly, the crazy train doesn’t make any stops.  It just keeps going and going with no destination in sight.
  • Meanwhile, over at the guys poker game, Steve is there to play (fitting) and Jacqueline pulls him out of the game to tell him she thinks he’s gross for taping Danielle having sex without her knowing. It is here that we learn that he didn’t tape Danielle, instead Danielle was sending video text messages to Steve of her “checking her oil” if you know what I mean…and I think you do.
  • Ashley shows up to the poker game with her boyfriend wearing her Meg Griffin/Audrina hat, per usual, and for some reason Jacqueline, her mother, tells Ashley that she looks like Grandma and Ashely gets so mad and leaves the kitchen and heads into the poker game.  Why did she get so mad?  It’s not like she told her she looks like Meg Griffin.  Shut up, Meg.  Ashley tells Jacqueline that she’s like a 12 year old and Jacqueline kicks Ashely out of the house.  The best part, however, was the way she did it.  Remember when you were little and were throwing a temper tantrum in the mall because your mom wouldn’t buy the toy you wanted so she picked you up from under your arm and dragged you out of the mall?  Yeah, well that’s how Jacqueline did it.  Brilliant.  Oh, and her husband Chris was creepily putting his finger on Ashley’s lips (upper) and telling her to watch her mouth because she’ll get in trouble.  I was actually yelling at my TV, “You’re not my dad!”
  • Towards the end Danielle brings the Droopy-Drawers-Gang to pole dancing classes whilst Danny and his friend, John, watched them.  Having to watch Kim G in short-shorts trying to climb the pole with her hair perfectly matted down on her head is, well, basically the reason why I was born.  She couldn’t really climb the pole and when she tried she just shakily would say, “I’m embarrassed.”  You know what Kim G?  So am I.  So. Am. I.
  • Danielle, on the other hand, shows us all how she used to do her “burlesque” performance which includes such good tips as “always engage…and then suggest.”  Danny looks like his bangs are about to curl while watching Danielle.  You know they’re totally doing “the banging” when the cameras aren’t around.  Danielle loves when it “rains money” and tells us that back in the day they used to throw $20’s, $50’s, and $100’s at her.  Really?  They had money back then?  I would have assumed local currency was seashells and timber.  No?  I’ll have to re-read my Social Studies book.
  • In the end, Dina decides to leave the show and stop filming as a way to cut Danielle out of her life once and for all.  This sucks.  Sure Dina was as boring as church on Sunday this season, but I still liked her and, well, she’s better than Kim G with whom we are stuck with now.  R.I.P Dina.  You are now dead to me.  I’m kidding, if you come back next season I’ll jump on the bandwagon again.  So long Grandma Wrinkles!

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