Update: My Exclusive Interview With Kim G from the Real Housewives of New Jersey!
Here’s what went down, last night, on Real Housewives of New Jersey:
- Teresa and Barney Rubble are heading home to their legit castle with the new baby. On the way home “Tre” tries to convince Barney that he needs to get a vasectomy and he wants no part of it. He says, “I ain’t gettin’ snipped.” I agree that he shouldn’t get snipped. I would, however, like to witness a rabid donkey kick him in the balls repeatedly while Teresa tries to put a flowered hat on him. Just me? Didn’t think so.
- Kim G. Kim G, Kim G, Kim G. What is she? How rich is she? Who is she? Is she the town “rich lady” with slicked back hair or is she just the crazy old Italian lady who sits on her front stairs and yells at the kids who ride by on their bikes whilst she sips on her Limoncello? Danielle, who’s wearing a half fur vest, is thanking Kim G for escorting her to the Brownstone charity event. This event is to help raise money for a sick baby, but Danielle is treating this like she’s planning to attend a sitdown dinner with Osama Bin Laden.
- Meanwhile Dina heads over to Teresa’s compound to bring a gift for the baby and talk about Danielle being a sociopath. Two things raise a red flag for me in this scene. Well, three things. (1) Teresa’s daughter is trying to cut the TV with scissors and no one is doing anything. (2) Dina is saying that Danielle is still evil and a sociopath, but when did she change her tune so drastically? The past few episodes she wouldn’t say a mean thing about her on camera and all of a sudden she’s calling her evil and crazy. I mean, both are true, but why the change of heart and what are we missing? Perhaps Danielle tried to smother Dina with her bare breasts? (3) Ho-Bag Palooza. Teresa calls Danielle a “ho-bag.” In the Housewives of NYC, Kelly called Bethenny a “ho-bag.” Why are people trying to bring this term back into mainstream America?
- Blah. Why are we watching a dinner with the Manzo kids and Ashley and her Blink 182 boyfriend? All pointless. I couldn’t care less what was going on during this dinner, unless Ashley started eating her dinner out of her Meg Griffin hat (thanks Jen). Next.
- Jacqueline heads over to meet the mother of Ashley’s boyfriend. What I assume will be a boring meeting really takes a sharp left turn when they start pouring the wine. This just supports my theory that booze makes everything better. Everything. I once took an Accounting mid-term after having 4 glasses of wine out of a keg cup. I mean, I failed the mid-term like nobodies business but let me tell you that it was the most fun mid-term I’ve ever taken. Anyway, the wine is free flowing and the women are cackling like hens in the hen house (where else do hens live?) and feeding each other grapes. As much as I want to make Jacqueline “horse face” jokes I’m actually starting to like her….like 2%. Right now I like her as much as the old lady that sells roses outside of a bar at 2 in the morning.
- It’s time for Gia’s birthday! Let the horror show begin! About 500 9 year old girls enter the castle and everyone is running and screaming when the limo shows up to pick them up and take them all for makeovers. If this doesn’t make Joe want to get a snip, nothing will. He should pull down his pants, take out Mr Winky, and then slam it the limo door until it, literally, falls off. Either way, he should do it.
- The limo looks like a complete nightmare. It’s painted hot pink and looks like it has Barbie’s painted all over it. It basically looks like Anna Nicole Smith’s coffin on wheels. Youlikemybody? Youwantsomemoney? TrimSpa baby (wink).
- It’s “present time” and Gia gets what every 9 year girl wants. A dirt bike. No really, that’s the surprise gift. I assumed they were going to purchase Rhode Island for Gia, but they just went with a dirt bike. Gia immediately jumps on the 4 wheel death machine, without a helmet, and Teresa starts yelling. I assumed it was because she was riding without a helmet but, no, she’s yelling because she wants her 5 year old daughter to ride the Death Machine 3000 too, and, without a helmet. And, not for nothing, but have you ever seen the 5 year old daughter in other episodes? She can’t even walk in a straight line, no offense, but they assume she can balance on the bike going 25 mph….without a helemt, might I add again. Teresa keeps yelling to watch out for the “water puddles.” Good thinking, Tre! Now is it ok for her to not watch out for the “dirt puddles” or the “ground puddles?”
- Kim G (not to be confused with Kim D) and Danny head over to Danielle’s house to get ready for the big event at the Brownstone. You can tell Kim G is trying her damnedest to become a new member of the cast. Danny, on the other hand, looks like he’s about 6 days away from going on a raping and killing spree. The good news is that he got rid of his 1980’s feathered hair and cut it down to a proper mullet. Kim G, on the other hand, looks like she either just discovered the body of Jimmy Hoffa or Danielle hired a sniper to shoot her in the forehead with Botox as she walked into the house. Either way, it’s a fright.
- The More You Know alert: We randomly learn that Caroline Manzo shaves her face in the shower every morning. From Chuckie to Forehead, I believe, is the proper technique.
- It’s time for the event at the Brownstone. I feel like I need either a translator or a rocket scientist to help me understand exactly what is going on here. First off, Danielle is being escorted into the Brownstone with Kim G, Danny (who got dressed up by wearing a black t-shirt), and then the head of the Hells Angels. Huh? Is Danielle basically just producing this show herself now?
- Chris tells Kim G that she’s in for a big surprise when she gets inside (because she is overdressed and everyone else is basically wearing wife-beaters and army shorts) and Kim G and Danielle take this statement like they’re about to shot, Scarface style, as soon as they walk through the doors. Relax there crazy-trains because I think the Botox is starting to leak into your frontal lobe.
- More confusion continues when Danielle is shocked that there isn’t a table ready for the 20 people that she brought with her. Danny is losing his sh*t over this and, I’m not kidding, I’m not able to follow exactly what is going on. Am I missing something? All I know is that I’m pretty sure the Hells Angels are going to ride their motocycles through the Brownstone like party scene from “Weird Science.”
- In the end Kim G leaves a check with the family of the sick baby and then she, Danielle, Danny, and the Hells Angels leave the Brownstone event. Danny thinks that the Manzo’s are punks and that they’re in for a surprise. At this point I think they’re just quoting lines from Mafia-related movies. This makes sense as Danielle typically says quotes from “Pretty Women” (big mistake….huge.) They basically just all stand in front of the Brownstone, awkwardly, saying that some crazy sh*t is about to go down….but then they just kind of hop into their car and leave. Let down.
I did not drink during this crapisode and still had a hard time following it. When does Danielle get her hair pulled out of her head? Why must we keep waiting. I mean, Snooki got punched mid season, but we’re going to have to wait ’til the end for this aren’t we?