It’s the crapisode we’ve all been waiting for when, not only, is Dina back for a spell, but also because Kim G has an altercation with Danielle and swears a truck-driver in heat. Me gusta Monday nights! Here’s what went down last night on RHONJ (as “the kids” call it):
- Santa Christ on a horse. Teresa and Barney Rubble are planning the christening of Audriana and, guess what, they’re having it at the Brownstone. Barney, who has somehow stolen Ricky Martin’s Livin’ La Vida Loca sweater (and stretched it the hell out) looks to be having mini heart attacks as Teresa starts explaining what she wants as this event. Basically, she wants cocktail hour, a sit down dinner, and ice sculptures of Barney shooting marinara sauce out of his Mr Winky into a cake shaped like the Leaning Tower of Pisa all while cannoli falls from the ceiling like snowflakes and old Italian women stomp grapes in a 24 karat gold plated bidet. You know, the norm. I have no idea why they’re having money problems. Clearly they live on a budget.
- Meanwhile, Danielle finds new and exciting ways to embarrass her daughter on national television. That’s right, we’re at the vaginastein doctor. Pervert. Danielle continually asks Christine if she’s a “good girl” until the receptionist looks like she’s loading a gun under her desk. Honestly, this is so awkward. I’m waiting for Danielle to ask to see Christine’s Wu Tang Clan so she can see if she’s still a virgin.
- The doctor is talking to Christine about how she’s eventually going to get HPV (and shrivel up and die) and how you can pass along STDs through oral sex. This is when Christine taps her mom on her shoulder in a way that basically says, “Hey slam-pig, keep all your lips closed because you’re the perfect candidate for some gnarly sex viruses.” At least that’s what I think the shoulder tap said. Anyway, Danielle thinks the best sex is “no sex.” I thought she said she’d want her daughters to only have phone sex because that was the safest sex? Maybe online cam sex would work too. It’s a tough call.
- And enter Kim G. Chris and John are playing pool in the basement and Kim G comes down to bring a bowl of popcorn and to make sure she gets some camera time. I almost didn’t recognize Kim G with her hair not hairsprayed up to the heavens. She’s trying her best to have Chris set up a lunch date with Caroline, in an attempt to be in every scene this episode. I’m sure we’ll see her serving antipasto at Teresa’s christening party in about 10 minutes. Ole!
- What in the name that is holy and good in this world? It’s time to get ready for the christening party. Honestly, what the hell is everyone wearing? It looks like they’re in a small town play and are all playing the role of “Little Girl on Christmas.” Of course the “fabulous sisters” are wearing little gowns with oversized bows in their oversized curly hair. Barney Rubble remains shirtless, which is just a friendly reminder of why we shouldn’t eat whilst watching this show. Dina shows up dressed like a peasant girl with her rack almost hanging out, which is very appropriate for a christening and the church. Finally they dress up Audriana like she’s about to explode in a Glamor Shots photoshoot. I’m not a lawyer or an officer of the law, but I’m pretty sure it’s illegal to have on that much lace and puff. Oh, and Barney is all pissed off about all the pictures he has to take. Although I’m sure the $11 million in debt doesn’t sit well with him either. He says the flash from the camera hurts his eyes. I bet he just doesn’t like having to stand on an apple box every time he needs to take a picture with someone.
- Danielle heads over to Kim G’s compound to let her know that she wants to look for her biological mom. Apparently she’ll only be 15 years older than Danielle. Shut the F up. If Kim G ends up being Danielle’s mother I’m going to have intercourse with my television. Again.
- Gross Alert: Danielle starts tearing up (from her eyes) when talking about looking for her real mom and she says, and I quote, “I just want to smell her. I just want to smell my mom.” Kim G says what we’re all thinking and responds with, “Oh boy.” Exactly. Why do I have a feeling by the season finale we’re going to witness Danielle sniffing Kim G’s crotch and yelling, “Mommy?”
- Well, the christening party didn’t disappoint. There were ice sculptures, loaves of bread that had Audriana’s name on them, silver buckets filled with shrimp and, for some inexplicable reason, the ghost of Shirley Temple literally standing in the middle of a table smiling and fanning herself. Yawn. This is, like, the same exact party they had in the Bible after John baptized Jesus.
- I don’t know why Caroline is letting us all know that it was “all Dina” who decorated the place for the Christening. Really? You really wanna give Dina credit for this, huh? It looked like Snooki’s vagina exploded. Keep your head down and pretend you had nothing to do with it….kinda like you do when you’re in high school and your girlfriend tells you she might be pregnant. Yeah, kinda like that. Kinda. Like. That.
- Teresa and Barney are having their “first dance” with the baby and Caroline and Jacqueline are crying. I started crying too, but only because I’m dipping my naughty bits in a pot of boiling water during this scene.
- Well, there you have it. Barney is trashed. He should have had a little more Brontosaurus and a little less wine. I’d drink too if I knew I was going to jail for owing the government money. Hell, I’m drinking now and I don’t owe the government anything. Basically the lesson is to drink early and drink often. Anygaudy, I thought Joe was going to punch Teresa in the face with his wine glass, but he just decides to force feed her some wine and then kisses her and says, “good night.” However, he’s not leaving. And neither is she. We’ve all been Joe at one point in our lives. Personally, I was Joe when I was in 4th grade as I, too, was only 4’8. Circle of life. I have no idea. Next.
- Danielle and her kids head out to the standard doo-wop-diner. Now, like a couple of SAT word-problems I’m barely following along. Something about Christine’s friend getting her eyebrows waxed and Teresa was there telling people that Danielle is looking for her real mom. I have no clue. All I know is that Danielle now knows that Kim G has told “the enemy” Danielle’s secret and she. is. pissed. Poor little Jillian sweetly suggests that maybe someone overheard her mom telling Kim G about her plan to find her real mom and that’s when Danielle screams at poor little Jillian, “No one could have overheard!” Yowza. Check please! Maybe Jillian can write a song and call it something like, “DSS Please Don’t Forget About Us. We’re Not Too Old to Enter State Custody. In Fact, We Welcome It (La La La).”
- I Love It Alert: During Danielle’s one-on-one interview she just starts yelling about Kim G, “You Beeeetch! You F’n Beeeetch!” Honestly, it sounded like she was swearing and puking at that same time. Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it! You beeeeeeetch!
- Why does Jacqueline dress up her son like Brody Jenner?
- Kim G heads over to Jacqueline’s house and almost breaks in and just starts swearing and screaming about how much she F’n hates Danielle. She claims she’s been up since 3am because she’s been so upset. I wonder if she wakes up with her hair already done and sprayed in place? I”m a little confused about why Kim G is so mad. Apparently Danielle emailed someone and told them not to be friends with her. This drove her over the edge? I have no idea what’s going on. Kim G saved the scene when she said that Danielle can “go scratch my ass.”
- In the end Danny and his feathered helmet drives Danielle to go meet Kim G for lunch. Danielle confronts Kim G for telling Teresa about Danielle trying to find her real mom. Kim G ends up throwing her napkin at Danielle and tells her she’s a liar, isn’t a friend, and is disloyal. Similar to the Brownstone triathlon from a couple of weeks ago, Kim G then basically chases Danielle out of the restaurant, continues to scream and swear at her in the parking lot and then ends the argument by telling her that she’s an “old lady and has square t*ts.” And, end scene.
- Here’s the deal. I like Kim G. I really do. If it wasn’t for her this season we would be forced to watch Caroline sit in her kitchen and cry about how her kids are moving out. However, for me, this scene was really forced. You can tell that Kim G was ready to throw down, but she kept yelling at the most awkward times. I think she was trying to have her own “table flip” moment, but it just ended up being more of a chair toss than a table flip. Still fun to watch, but it made me want to take a shower after.
Next week Barney Rubble crashes his dinomobile and everyone goes to Italy. Scrub your bidet, it’s going to be a good one!