Like a teen mom in trouble, I’m late. Regardless, here are 7 things worth discussing from last nights Real Housewives of New Jersey:
Caroline Rules is My Actual Physical Literal Hell – Are they kidding me with this? We’re starting with a segment of Caroline Rules? And the topic actually is “New Years Resolutions: Do You Like ‘Em?” Uh, so this is basically just a yes/no Q&A? So it will go something like this:
Caroline: Caller 1, you’re on the air. Do you like New Years resolutions?
Caller 1: No
Caroline: Caller 2, you’re on the air.
Caller 2: Yes
Caroline: Caller 3?
Caller 3: No
And so forth and so on. Is this, like, free radio? Unless someone calls in and starts screaming, “B*tch I’m gonna shank you!” I’m not following Caroline’s Rules.
Ashley Draws Marylin Monroe Pencil Sketches – You know times are tough when Jacqueline is basically only on the show to talk about Ashley and her love of “drawing with a pencil.” Riveting. Her Grand Pop Pop is apparently now a cast member and talking to Ashley about how good she uses a pencil. He says things like “you look like you’re having fun” and “this will make people happy.” I know I’m happy. I found myself wanting him to ask follow up questions like, “Are you using a #2?” and “If you started cutting yourself do you know you could substitute pencil sketches for blood smears?” Since Ashley is so talented she was “hired” by Lauren to design a t-shirt for her new “makeup bar” at the Chateau. I have no idea what 3 of those words in that sentence even means. She shows Lauren a pencil sketch of a t-shirt with lipstick kisses on it. Lauren looked like she wanted to take a Shasta McNasty right down Ashely’s throat. I know I do. Sexy.
Why Can’t Milania Just Become a Permanent Housewife? – If you’ve been following this here terrible blog you know that, for years, I’ve been totally me gustaing Milania. I mean, she started with “fabulous!” and I’ve been hooked ever since. This chick is just counting down the days until she can bust out of her house and start making some real decisions. I actually found myself grabbing my wallet while Tre-bagger was trying to pick out clothes for Milania and Milania started screaming at her that her old clothes fit her still. Well, technically she just yelled, “Ugggghhhh! Stoppp!” and then proceeded to throw all of her clothes from her drawers onto the floor. Sam Kinison in full effect.
Evidently I’m not the only one who gets the night sweats from Milania Kinison, as Melissa’s daughter and son are also afraid of her since she chokes them on the regular. Toughen up, kid, love hurts sometimes. They should just be grateful that she isn’t putting out lit cigarettes on their foreheads yet. Yet. But, alas, Milania arrives to the house after basically sitting on Gia’s head in the car and is ready to wreak havoc all over the Gorga compound. This consists of squeezing people within an inch of their lives and throwing everyone’s dolls on the ground when she doesn’t like them. All in all, she’s a future blast in a glass. See you on Jersey Shore 2021.
Teresa Doesn’t Want to Have Sex with Mort – Teresa would rather be cupping Barney’s c-cup than ever think about having sex with Kat’s husband, Richie. This concept comes up after Teresa tells Melissa that she thinks that Richie is obsessed with her. Let me tell you something, if we keep having to watch Caroline’s Rules and Lauren’s makeup bar then I’m going to write a letter to Bravo requesting that they contractually force Teresa to bang Richie and then film it and make it into a two-part “to be continued” episode. I’m sure all this would make Kat look shocked, but we would have no way of telling the difference.
Gimme Pizza You Old Troll – More brilliant quotes from Milania! This broad is killing it tonight. And she’s contributing more to this episode than half the cast. Whilst they’re all getting ready for Caroline’s New Years Eve Party, Milania asks Barney to get her some pizza by yelling at him, “Gimme pizza you old troll.” And the Emmy for Breakthrough Performance Goes to….
Minutes later she is smearing whore-red lipstick all over her mouth and screaming in Gabriella’s face with the pizza hanging out her mouth. She was seconds away from “Why So Serious?” She ended her scene by putting on thigh-high leopard boots, yelling that she’s a rock star, and tap dancing out of the room with a spray bottle as a gun. They should have rolled the credits right there because it ain’t (ai-not) getting any better than that.
The One Where Ma’am Papadopoulos Slicks Back Her Hair – What’s up with Caroline’s slicked back hair for the New Years Eve party? She was just missing the plaid cut-off shirt and thumb ring. More importantly, did she call Lauren a fat-ass whilst in the car because I’m pretty sure she did. I do love me some Caroline Manzo but she was a little too much Hatchet Face from Crybaby for my liking, but I’ll let it slide this time as I’m still on my Milania high.
Joe Guidice Drunk is the Best Kind of Joe Guidice There Is – I have to admit that I was squealing with delight during the scenes at the New Years Eve party when Barney was 15 sheets to the wind. He was laughing hard and calling Doozer “punk ass” whilst demanding he get him a drink and then looked over to Richie and said, “Hey Mr. Dickface” while giving him a side-hug. I love everything about that. He ends his conversation with “Happy New Year, shut the f**k up.” Bravo. Literally. The amount of slurs between Rich and Barney were not able to be counted but I suddenly, for the first time, found them enjoyable. Everyone should be drunk all the time. For every occasion. Church, for instance.