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I mean Bravo is churning these out like Disney on Ice, but I kinda have to admit I still find myself only wanting to watch television shows about people from New Jersey. Sometimes I take the Path train just for sport. Anytrashbags, I immediately thank both Jesus Claus and Santa Christ because within the first 2 minutes of the season premiere crapisode there was already a fight. Ole! Apparently Teresa’s brother and sister-in-law were Christening their new baby, Baby Pauly D, and Teresa went over to say congratulations on camera to her brother and he reacted like she said he was jealous of her hairline. Next thing you know they’re telling Teresa to take a hike and, literally, fist pumping the table. The whole time Gia (z-snap) is having to hold Teresa back, but the saddest part is that no where in site is Milania doing “fabulous!” It’s a real tragedy, in fact. Someone better pay a little more attention to her or she’s going by way of the well like Baby Jessica. Grab a bucket.
The first scene is cut short because they’re going to play this crapisode backwards like the Thriller album. This is the part where we get to learn and see what everyone has been up to over the past year. Teresa and Barney Rubble are working full-time at the pizza sweatshop and Barney is slicing Mortadella sliced thin like Barb cuts cold-cuts in the deli at Walmart. I’m sure if they can just sell 37.9 million more slices of pizza they’ll be back up the $11 million that they’ve declared bankruptcy on. To make things more awkward Teresa is signing copies of her book, “Don’t Tell Me to Pay Attention…She Don’t Know Who the F She’s F’n With….Thank You. Thank You!” in between a few tables at the pizza place. Quaint and taint all at the same time. People are lining up to give Teresa gifts like crosses with Jesus on them and other blessings telling her to hang in there. Yeah, because at the end of the day Jesus is totally rooting for you to become multi-millionaires again. As soon as He brings back The Hills, He’ll get right on that.
Other people are making changes to their lives too. Take Caroline’s sons, Al B Sure and “The Other One.” They’re tired of living in the mansion so they’re moving on to bigger and better things, like Hoboken. For those of you who don’t know, Hoboken is a magical place in the land of Jersey where every view is of the NYC skyline, which teases and taunts you at every turn. Some people say it’s the arm-pit of “the America” but I like to view it as the elbow, the dry and crusty old lady elbow. Once they spill the scripted beans to Caroline that they’ve already leased the apartment poor Caroline begins to cry and aimlessly walk around the maze that is the apartment. Personally I wished it was a house of mirrors, but that’s just me. I have my own visions and designs and, well, I’m sure you have yours. I actually felt bad for Caroline but then I realized that she’s rich so she’ll be fine. But then I realized that money can’t buy you class (my friend) and that money can’t buy you class (oh yeah) and also that elegance is learned. Once you know these things about money you really start to have an appreciation for it. Also, what in the holy hell am I talking about? I felt the most bad for the daughter as the look on Caroline’s face really said, “Oh sh*t I’m stuck with bricks.”
Speaking of the train completely going off the tracks we, for some inexplicable reason, get to catch up with Meg Griffin Ashley and learn that she’s working as an Intern doing PR for Lizzie Grubman. Ah, where to begin? First off, Ashely is still pre-nose job so, well, that sucks. Second, isn’t Lizzie Grubman the chick who was drunk and backed her Jeep up over Paris Hilton or some junk at some party in the Hamptons circa 1998? Well I haven’t forgotten Ms. Grubman, I haven’t. Right off the bat, Lizzie tells Jacqueline that her daughter doesn’t always show up for work and isn’t always on time. After Jacqueline starts to throw in a few jabs, Ashley starts crying in front of her boss and has to leave the room. Is this chick for real? She knows she’s only an intern, right? If an intern ever brought their mom to work and then started crying in front of me I would take away their US Citizenship and ship them off to Tajikistan on the double. On a positive note, Jacqueline has lost some weight which is great and really makes her mane pop!
However, my favorite part in all of this is how after “work” Ashely and Jacqueline meet up with her husband at a diner to talk about what happened. It’s my favorite part because I used to live 1 block from both Lizzie Grubman PR and that diner and let me tell you what sh*t-hole dump that entire area is. The fact that they would even set foot in that diner is brilliant and the fact that they didn’t get stabbed via a needle by a homeless person as someone passed them a note that said, “Welcome to the world of AIDS” is beyond amazement. Throughout “dinner” Ashley cried over how hard it is to get up in the morning and travel into the city and not be able to live there. I think she thinks they’re going to just get her an apartment because she’s such a good kid and stuff. Had she been my daughter and 3 years younger I would encourage her to get pregnant and start working on her audition tape for Teen Mom. What? My kids will have goals.
Dear God this show is 90 minutes long. We also get to meet Melissa who is Teresa’s sister-in-law. We also get reacquainted with Teresa’s brother. Here’s the thing about them…uh…they’re basically Teresa and Joe, but with money. They live in a sick house, they have 3 kids, Melissa stays at home cooking, cleaning, and taking care of the kids, and Teresa’s brother is short and stubby like Joe and is just about as gross…especially when he was creaming (and more) Melissa’s feet. It’s like, unless they’re going to flash a warning across the screen when something like that happens then I’m not going to eat Pop Tarts whilst I watch.
And what’s up with this chick and her “Thank you Jesus” over everything that happens? I don’t think she’s religious like Alexis from OC I actually think she’s, like, giving the side-eye to Jesus and even I won’t do that. At one point she squeals with delight in regards to her son’s Christening, “I can’t wait to welcome my son into God’s Kingdom!” You totally know God was giving their house a once over and was like, “Who did your kingdom?”
Speaking of perma-side-eye and bat sh*t crazy, we also get to meet Kathy and her husband Rich. Kathy is the first cousin of Teresa and like Melissa and Joe (not Barney) she pretty much hates Teresa too. It’s like the Manzo family, except with whatever the opposite of “thick as thieves” is…I’m assuming “thin as volunteers?” I’ll get back to you on that one. Kathy seems like she Shasta McNasty’s out $100 dollar bills on the regular and she loves to cook and make sexual innuendos about cooking. 2 minutes into this and she’s already a caricature of herself. She has a son and a daughter and sprinkles her daughter’s Glamour Shots poster sized pictures all throughout the house. Oh, and her husband Rich may or may not be Mort from “Family Guy” but with black hair instead of orange. At one point, Kathy rides her bike to the supermarket to pick up some groceries just like real-life alcoholics do when their driving privileges have been taken away. I can’t tell if she’s going to be a real treat or a real nightmare. Only time and booze will tell. Sidenote: How does she find the time to film Mafia Wives and RHONJ at the same time? A rat is a rat is a rat. You wanna play Mafia Wives? I WIN!
After 175 minutes of watching this we finally get to the Christening day. Melissa and her sisters are dressed like they’re on their way to audition to be Solid Gold backup dancers, which is fine by me. I’m sure Jesus is pumped that she’ll soon be walking into the Lord’s house with her “gentlemen greeter” to the wind. Just like in the Bible! Meanwhile, over at Teresa and Joe’s Soon-to-Be Section 8 Housing and Foreclosure, things are quite the mess as they try to get ready to go to the Christening. Gia can’t make it because she has gymnastics and is still practicing her lines for when Derrick wakes up (ah, Derrick!). One of the other girls is just bawling her eyes out and screaming whilst some Level III brushes her hair like My Little Guido. Again, to make matters worse not one single person is doing “fabulous!” and I’m pissed. Barney Rubble must be upset too because he’s (puke) shirtless and has a case of the sh*ts. Teresa calls it “the runs” and I’m pretty sure that she thinks she coined that phrase because she then continues to explain to us what “the runs” means. Yeah, we get it. How this family is still in that house is beyond me, but I hope they never leave solely for the fact that I want to visit it one day with my family like Disney World. I mean, half her house is like the Hall of President’s.
Teresa ends up having to go to the church by herself because Barney has to do stinky boom boom in his pants. Seriously, grow up. He looked like he was one butt-clench away from stealing on of Audriana’s diapers. Fabulous! Melissa and Joe #2 (not to be confused with Joe going #2) and their family treat Teresa like they can “catch poor” when she shows up late to the church. I’m sure they have their reasons for being pissed at her and, I have to be honest I couldn’t care less, but they should also be kissing her arse over the fact that they would be sans TV show if it wasn’t for Teresa. While they’re at it they should be thanking Danielle too because had she been on this season, we probably wouldn’t be seeing the likes of Kathy either. But I digest.
The Christening reception is quite the site. In usual New Jersey Money Fashion, everything is gaudy right down to the crucifix ice sculpture because there’s nothing more Jesus loves than remembering his crucifixion…on ice. At least Barney Rubble is there. He looks miserable. I can’t tell if it’s money worries or if he’s literally letting loose in his slacks. Joe #2 and “da guys” are all pissed because Barney won’t do shots at his son’s Christening. Seriously, what time is it? Who’s doing shots? The last time Barney did shots he ended up trying to (allegedly) escape the clutches of Chapter 11 by driving his car into a tree. At least he’s being smart about it. Joe #2 is all angry and says that he’s going to ignore them like they always ignore him at parties. When did this turn into a 6th grade dance?
Then…well…then stuff goes down. It’s my favorite part of RHONJ when it suddenly turns into an episode of COPS and the cameras are shaking and people are getting chased and the like. It all started, as we know, by Teresa simply saying congratulations to her brother and Melissa. Funny how the last time a major brawl took place was by Teresa simply saying “hello” to Danielle at that Dress Barn Fashion Show from last season. Teresa shouldn’t be so friendly. People get hurt. Joe #2 tells Teresa to take a hike and Teresa has a look on her face like she’s trying to figure out where to hide her recipe book profit and what to declare in bankruptcy.
Things get, for me, really confusing after that. Joe # 2 starts trying to “beat the beat” on the table and next thing you know Barney Rubble starts charging him like a water buffalo. The whole time things are flying and everyone is trying to hold back Barney from Joe #2. What’s strange(er) is that the entire time you can hear some lady screaming like she’s being raped by karma. Seriously, who was that? I found myself constantly rewinding this scene just to get my mind around what in the holy hell was going on.
At one point Barney and Teresa are about a good 20 feet away from them and then a fight breaks out between Joe #2 and some randoms standing around him. I’m almost certain I heard some lady screaming “the guns, the guns!” I was like, this sh*t is getting real. I mean, it was all fueled by doing shots at 1:00 in the afternoon but, still, real. At first I thought maybe they were playing it up for the camera but then some dude started pushing Teresa’s 210 year old father and people were freaking out. It kinda sorta turned into an opera because Joe #2 was screaming at the top of his lungs…almost as loud as Gia who now is having a complete knock-down-drag-out crying fit. Did no one think to remove the children? This is complete chaos. Suddenly some guy who is 14 feet tall with his face blurred out is screaming “Everyone stop! This is a kids Christening!” Let’s all just guess that was Robert from “Everybody Loves Raymond.”
As that one random lady is screaming in a complete panic and everyone is just basically fighting each other, Teresa and Joe are peacing out of this blessed event and Joe just keeps yelling how he’s going to kill everyone. I have to admit as much fun as this is to watch live I tend to take the “16 & Pregnant” and “Teen Mom” approach where you watch it once to see what’s going on, watch it the second time to see if you missed anything the first time around, and then watch it the third time where you just hit pause during random scenes and just “look around.” Pressing pause this time around was like playing Where’s Waldo for adults. I could have watched 89 minutes of just the Christening scene alone!
In the end things get a bit on the creepy side when Joe # 2 confronts his dad and is (high pitched) screaming in his face, “I am your son! I am your son!” I felt like this was too much for me to watch. There’s a difference between “reality TV” and “reality TV” and this was a little too real for me. And you want to know what made this all so much worse? The fact that during this extremely religious event, not one single person did “fabulous!“
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