There. I said it. What in the holy hell happened to this show? Remember when it used to consist of stereotypical Italians living in Jersey and flipping tables over prostitution whore books? Those were simpler and happier times. This time around we’re spending 60 minutes on everyones kids and 40 minutes of that is about Gia and her lack of rackage. I feel like I have to, by law, introduce myself to all my neighbors just from merely recapping this. I mean, I have to do it anyway so might as well knock on a few more doors. I’m kidding. I’m not a sexual predator. Was that not clear? Eh, either way. If anyone is wondering why Milania will end up serving 25-to-life, enter Barney Rubble. Tre-bagger and her husband are driving to the oddly positioned hairline factory and Barney is all in a midget-like huff over Tre’s brother and her family. He’s spitting and swearing and extending his Cee Lo Gree elf arms as he yells and calls Doozer a r*tard. Way to keep it PC while a camera is in your face. At one point he tells Tre to shut up and listen to him when he tells her to. Personally I think he should have told her to shut up and dance and then Bravo could have pencil-sketched in MC Skat Kat. Sometimes I think I dream even bigger than Oprah allows me to. Barney is totally going to be the gossipy b*tch in cell block C. I’m just hoping the other inmates will assume he’s just a child serving Juvie due to both his height and reading level. #SmokingStuntsYourGrowth.
And it wouldn’t be a regular episode if one of Lauren’s parents weren’t making Lauren feel like her obesity is the worst thing that’s ever happened to The America and, you know what, it kind of is. Albert is at the driving range with Lauren and basically saying that she’s built like a man and most likely is sprouting a penis with each cheeseburger she shovels on in her facia bruta. Truth be told, I like Lauren and I don’t think she’s really that big. I think she just has a large head and knockers that won’t quit. I mean, they won’t try either. Lauren should totally get that gastric bypass surgery and then come find me in NYC and kick my ass. I deserve it. What I don’t deserve is having to listen to Caroline telling a story of Albie taking Lauren to her Prom because no one else would ask her. I’m sure they edited out the part where she tears up when Lauren gives birth to Albie’s baby in the bathroom and then makes it back to the dance floor in time to finish up the last part of the Electric Slide.
Later, when Teresa and the girls are all dressed like the Fly Girls, Gia (z-snap) decides that now is the time to bring up the “fact” on camera that her ten year old body is sprouting breasts and therefore she needs a bra. I think that makes sense. Teresa is busy feeling up her daughter to see if she really does need a bra but claims she can’t feel anything. It’s such a rookie mistake, actually. Everyone knows, thanks to that episode of Who’s the Boss when Sam needed her first bra, the way to test for that is by catching a football. If it hurts, you’re ready. If it hurts it also means your housekeeper father will be buying you a training bra without a little flower in the middle of it because, lets face it, he doesn’t know you at all. Luckily the lady of the house, who is an Ad Exec on Madison Avenue, will be there to save the day and get you the bra you’ve always wanted. Please note that this same lady may open the door in a pink bathrobe with a white towel on her head and your lives will forever be changed. Where was I? Oh yeah, during all this bra and period talk (that should come with a warning and/or disclaimer) we get to see Gia perform a nice dance while Milania shakes her butt and pushes the littlest Guidice to the ground in one karate chop motion. I’m in the process of a letter writing campaign that will require, by law, Milania to wear a helmet cam at all times. She’ll be like a modern day coal miner but, you know, with all her teeth. Obviously.
Since not much else is going on (and Rosie is nowhere to be found) Teresa brings Gia to get her very first bra. I have to admit this scene is probably the only one that was real this entire season. Tre-bagger is killing herself laughing the whole time, probably because she’s realizing how ridic this whole thing is. Although something inside of me is suggesting that this is all a set up so that Tre can get Gia her own Bravo spin-off called, “Don’t Be Tardy for Your Period.” If anyone should be taking Gia bra shopping it should Barney. He’s clearly a D and has the most experience. Plus, whilst incarcerated Barney will be forced into countless wet t-shirt contests where he’ll win pack of gum and condoms so he can make balloon animals for his bunkmate/boyfriend. To sum up, he’s going to be busy.
While all of this is going on (and LC is interning in Paris) a Family Field Day is about to take place over at Jacqueline’s house. It’s basically like any Brady Bunch episode where they had to have a potato sack race to see who got phone privileges. It was also the way to settle who was going to give Sam the Butcher a “handy” when Alice was too tired. It was in the E! True Hollywood Story, I believe. Everyone is having a good old time at the Field Day except for Gia who is throwing an actual fit because Zio Joe is cheating and Gia “hates cheaters.” Ironically though she doesn’t hate her father. Gia shouldn’t cry so much during these competitions because her braces are going to rust. It’s a real thing. Everyone is laughing and getting along because (1) they’re probably all drunk and (2) they’re probably hypnotized by Melissa’s vagiola that’s hanging out of her short shorts. Lauren looks pissed, yet hungry. Something to think about. It was, however, after the three-legged race that Gia has her final meltdown of the crapisode. Gia starts screaming and crying and finally goes and pouts inside the house. She starts getting mouthy to Jacqueline and Caroline and tells Jacqueline to leave and go outside if she doesn’t like Gia sitting there upset. Where’s the wooden spoon and bar of soap when you need it? Since Caroline doesn’t have much else going on she decides to give Gia a little lecture all while Jacqueline brings out a book to read to Gia about sore losers. She should have read her “The Little Engine That Couldn’t Wear a Bra.” That would have helped her more. Gia is screaming that she wants “Mom” and no one will go and get her. I think she’s technically being kidnapped but I can’t be absolutely sure at this point. Once Teresa finally arrives in the house she’s there to comfort Gia whose only defense is “who reads a book!?” It’s nice to hear the Guidice family motto. Although I thought everyone read a book…especially when it’s a page-turning cook book?
In the end I actually felt bad for Gia, partially because we had to listen to her talk about her bra and partially because she was doing the ugly cry during the last 20 minutes…and it was filmed…and aired…all across the world. It would be like when you and your sibling were little and were invited to a wedding and you would spend the whole time screaming and making dumb faces into the camera…and then it was aired…internationally. Either way, ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it!