Who in the holy peperoncini hell gets into fights via “the Twitter?” No really, can someone give me helpful tips and hints because I’ve been Tweeting Amanda Bynes for weeks, poking her like one would do with a stick to a bear in the zoo, and zip, nada, nothing. I’d kill to get into a Twitter war. After the gym fight Teresa had with her brother, Doozer, he comes home and gossips like a 9th grade school girl, on her period, to her friend Brianna in homeroom. Apparently, Melissa really did Tweet some rando comment about how she doesn’t need to rent her Chanel bag when a “cast member” had to declare bankruptcy. Doozer tries to pretend he didn’t know this and that this entire scene is staged and “educates” Melissa on what is right and what is wrong. For example, his combover is wrong but his crying on camera is right. See the difference? Doozer thinks Melissa should stop Tweeting since when his parents come over they think she’s the devil. I wonder how they say “the devil” in the Italia? We’ve already learned how to say “prostitute” last week. It’s like Sesame Street for adults around here. This weeks episode is brought to you by the letter D and and an Old Italian Lady Who Bathes Herself in the Ocean By Splashing Water Up on Her Arms and Shoulders So She Doesn’t Have to Get All the Way in the Water. Either way, oil doesn’t mix the water. Moving on.
Speaking of getting educated by people from New Jersey, Tre and Barney Rubble are at Milania’s soccer game sporting fur coats and an attitude like additional bankruptcy and jail time isn’t dancing a jig together around the corner. Milania, per usual, is wreaking havoc on the soccer field…and by that I mean she’s either yelling at people or standing their twirling her hair and most likely plotting ways to sneak a file into prison to help her dad (or herself) bust on out. Meanwhile, Tre and Barney are chatting it up about the “gym fight” and Barney starts to explain to Teresa that her brother “has that Napoleon thing, ya know?” To which Tre responds by saying, “You mean bipolar.” It’s no wonder China runs circles around us. Perhaps that’s what they mean by Chinese Fire-drills? I’m sure. Barney continues to educate Tre on who Napoleon is and claims that Napoleon like to beat everyone up until all his people turned on him. In fact, that’s why they call it Napoleon Syndrome. I wasn’t aware it’s an actual syndrome, but evidently it is. Do you know how many people die from Napoleon Syndrome per year in the United States? Tens of thousands. It’s a pandemic (meaning: to die in a pan). For real, what the hell social studies class did this meatball take? I mean, everything I learned about the world was from the back of a Life Cereal box (or Highlights, of course) but even General Mills knew more about Napoleon than Barney…probably because he was an actual General, duh! Something tells me their kids lick Teflon on the regular. However, Clazz with Guidice must come to a close and that leaves time for recess which consists of Teresa kicking the ball at Milania until she takes a digger in the middle of the field. I’m sure when the cameras cut, Milania b*tch slapped her across the face and dragged her lifeless body across the parking lot and tossed her into the back of black Lincoln. As a side note, I’d bet your mother’s bottom dollar that Guidice assumes a black Lincoln was also out 41st President. I cross referenced. He wasn’t.
There, of course, are other things that happen during the crapisode. For instance, Kathie is setting up staged fights with Richie about her cannoli business so that the cameras can capture it and she can sell some product. I’m pretty sure the fight was about the color of her box (hey-oh!) and whether or not it was ok that Richie leased out some bug infested test kitchen that probably allows for a sprinkling of cat hair in every batch made. Yum. Also, meow. I like how Kathie tries to make it seem like she and Richie are having marital problems, but even if they were we’re not overly interested. I just want to know that in the case they get a divorce, who gets custody of the children’s teeth? Speaking of marital issues, Caroline is allowing her kids to talk freely on camera about how their father was basically never there for them growing up because he worked all the time and now they’re all messed up. Who are we blaming for the weight issues though, because that should be discussed on the regular. P.S., stop frying everything.
Now let’s get back to Rosie because, let’s be real, we should never really have left her in the first place. Rosie meets up with Doozer so they can chat about family matters and chicks. You can almost see Rosie foaming from the mouth immediately. And, well, now we know why. Apparently Rosie hasn’t had “the company of a woman in 6 years.” Wait, you guys know I’m talking about her doing lez sex, right? Ok cool. Anyvagical, this really explains why Rosie gets all hot around the collar and she even admits to this. Why doesn’t she just put the moves on Kathie? Either way, I want Rosie to have sex and that’s why I’ll be starting up a petition and marching on Capitol Hill. Or am I going to watch Hill Street Blues? Or write to the creator of Blues Clues? Or play Clue? Regardless, after no sexy-no-no for six years I imagine Rosie’s vagioli to be like what happens when you take the lid off of a kids sandbox at the beginning of the Spring; all the sand is dried out, there’s some mold, and spiders immediately exit from every-which-way possible. And then you play in it whilst the weather is nice. Moving on. Rosie is going to chat it up with Teresa for Doozer so that they can one day “be a family again.” Drink!
Meanwhile, Teresa is busy “writing her blog” as the cameras pick up her saying things like, “I’m writing my blog” and “Ok, paragraph” and other literary buzzwords. I’m sure when her “blog” was done her screen just had thousands of “7’s” going across it. It’s perfect timing for Rosie to call (thank God the cameras were up!) and Rosie wants to meet with Teresa to “hash things out.” I have to admit Teresa gave me a case of the silly-giggles when she said during her one-on-one interview about meeting up with Rosie, “What’s the worst thing that can happen? She can stab me over 100 times. That’s the worst thing.” Possibly. But I think the worst thing she can do to Tre is scissor her over 100 times. Nevertheless, Tre agrees to get stabbed by Rosie over drinks at some seedy bar in the outskirts of Jersey. But then again, what bar in Jersey isn’t seedy?
In other news, Melissa is hawking her book to us again this week so she invites her mom and sisters over to see if it’s ok that she says that her dead daddy liked to party and return 3 days later. I thought he went out for milk, but maybe it was White Russians? Either way, her mom agrees that selling out is her best bet. In theory (and practice) I fully agree and support this. I’m also bored by this.
The match between Tre and Rosie is as epic as you thought it would be. I have to say it was actually better than I thought because Rosie brought her lesbian A-game with her, which shockingly was not a Samsonite filled to the brim with dildos. I’ll guess that Rosie is also filled to the brim with whiskey and enough to grow some natural hair on her chest. They’re, of course, fighting about their parents not talking and what will happen when one of them “drops.” For those of you consulting your Jersey-to-English dictionary, that means “dies.” The cause of death is typically from being dropped into a lake with cement shoes. Either way, Rosie is flailing, pointing the the sky, swearing and spitting when Teresa mentions her sister being the problem. It was in typical Teresa fashion to also toss in a quick Melissa and Doozer dig by quickly saying, “You’re yelling like how my brother talks to his wife.” Zing! I’m not sure how Rosie’s voice is going that low and Teresa is squeaking that high, but folks we’re basically witnessing a modern day version of The Captain and Tennille. I’ll give you 12 guesses which one Rosie is. (Hint: Hat) Later Rosie is busy slamming her fist on the table and spewing out F-bombs, which ironically enough is the standard Italian mating call. Please note, it’s also the first step in a chicken cutlet recipe. Rosie needs to be careful with all that pounding or she can kiss her hand-modeling career goodbye. I know I say it once per week to you (and 5 times per week to my Jesus) but me gusta Rosie a sh*t ton. I’d love to split a 30 pack with her and play the craziest game of Twister one can imagine. It would consist of clothing optional choices, splits, pesto, garlic and ego…all simmered in a light marinara. All the people at the bar are watching them like they’re susceptible to catch a nasty case of ‘crazy.’ I want to stop right there. Did I just use the word ‘susceptible’ and possibly use it correctly? My God I’m officially the smartest person in the Gorga/Guidice household! They don’t know I live there. Yet.
In the end, Rosie basically breaks her hand, spills her drink all over her phone, but ends up hugging it out with Teresa. Tre keeps talking about some “holistic retreat” that she wants the whole family to go on so they mend fences once and for all. Side note, Teresa said “holistic healing” about 10 times throughout this episode and you know she doesn’t know what that word means, so I’ll guess Bravo put her up to this. Either way if it includes Rosie in a white robe going down a zip-line, I’m all in.
Also, Jacqueline is on this show.
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