We pick right up where we left off last week with Brandi slurring her way to freedom. Kim is still trying to figure out what “bullying” means and Yolanda is most likely adding the finishing touches to her Swiss Miss all whilst Joyce is flipping her hair from one side of her body to the other. You know what Joyce needs? A nice mom perm. I’m talking a tight 80’s home permanent and she needs it at her earliest convenience. Regardless, after the bickering between all these women, Kyle decides she needs a break and heads off into the bathroom to “cry” off camera. This consists of her actually saying the words “boo hoo” while locked inside the bathroom. However, it’s Yolanda who gets Kyle to stop crying by giving her a great big bear hug and, quite possibly, squeezing a little Lyme disease into her in order to calm her down. It’s really the new ruffee! Meanwhile Lisa makes her way into the room to toss in some “darlings” and make sure that pure blush is spread into every corner of the room. This is when I notice Kim lurking to the side and is halfway on camera and halfway off camera…and pulling up her underwear. She’s stuttering that her panties are in a bunch and she’s pulling at her crotch like she’s trying to pull a newborn out of her whoopty-doo! I’m going to take this time to state, again, on record that I love all things about Kim Richards. At first I thought I was going to be pissed that she was “sober” (and I’m using that in quotes on purpose) for another season but the editing this year is at its finest and, well, if Kim isn’t going to drink they’re certainly going to sprinkle as much of her crazy into each episode until she hits tilt on the “sass-a-frass-o-meter.” It’s a thing. Look it up.
Brandi, on the other hand, is a complete drunken mess this episode and is really giving Kim a run for her money way back in season 1. She’s busy calling Kyle a crazy a**hole and defending Yolanda for arguments that are only taking place in her mind. Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it. Everyone is trying to be sympathetic to Kyle since she and her husband are all over the tabloids and “going through a real tough time.” Tough time? Oh really? Kyle should be thanking her lucky stars anyone is talking about this or her entire story line would consist of a 12 episode hair-off with Joyce. Also, Yoyce! As the party splits up, Brandi continues to drink right from the bottle like the good wino she is and then tries to trick Carlton and Carlton’s penis to get into her bed. She even leans in for the kiss, but Carlton pulls away. Brandi doesn’t stop. She continually slaps the bed and tries to get Carlton to join her for some reindeer games. Folks, on every level we’ve all been Brandi. You know, I know it, and the worm at the bottom of your tequila bottle knows it…and watched it!
If you can’t get enough of this “sexy time” Kyle thinks it’s the perfect time to tie up her 5 foot long hair and take off her top and go swimming. This is about as sexy to watch as the old Italian women who go to the beach and get into the water only up to their ankles and bend over and wash the water up and down their arms whilst their drooping breasts weigh them down like anchors and dry sand blows out of their crack and into the wind and eventually onto your sandwich. You guys eat sandwiches on the beach, right? Riiiight?! Joyce finally gets into the pool so that must mean that she’s done having her nasty period and won’t get eaten by a pool shark. At least I think that’s how that works. Either that or she’s not allowed to sink the 8-ball. It’s just too many rules during “time of the month.” The unsung/undrunk hero in this scene is once again….Kim Richards! She’s in leopard pajamas and laying on her stomach outside the pool and yelling at Kyle to not get her “CVS slippers” wet! She finishes by laughing that she loves her CVS slippers and, you know what, I totally believe her. Also, I truly hope CVS has watched this and will pay her to promote white-trash-last-minute-holiday-gifts this Christmas season. P.S, I think those CVS slippers really go well with her “ladies intimates” pajamas from Sears. You know the department.
The next day Brandi tries to pretend she’s not hungover/still drunk and then Joyce brings everyone on a gondola ride up some mountain. It may have been Kilimanjaro. I have no clue. All I do know is that Joyce is basically just a party planner and tour guide this season and needs to leave immediately. If Bravo was smart they’d randomly cast Jill Zarin in Beverly Hills and, well, just let the latkes fall where they may.
The entire gondola tour was a snooze except when, you guessed it, Kim just started feeding rabid squirrels from her man-hands. She is the Snow White of our generation, ladies and gentlemen. Everyone else is freaking about the squirrels and rabies, but Kim doesn’t break a sweat. Hell I’m pretty sure she got rabies from dating Ken and her immune system is resistant to most diseases now anyway. Kim leaves us with a “I love squirrels” all whilst she hugs herself in her 1 on 1 interview and all is right with the world. Believe it or not, that wasn’t even the best part! Seconds later, since Kim is having such a great day, she decides to kneel down to say a quick prayer of gratitude…next to a rusted out trash barrel. For real. I squealed with delight and then slow clapped until my hands bled. By the way, you know that somewhere deep inside that rusty trash barrel, Ken was taking a little siesta. It must have been the 1 day that month he had to work.
In the end, half the cast leaves for random reasons and only a few remain. It’s pointless to say which ones. Brandi is still there and apparently sober (?) and cooking her “famous taco recipe” which I’m almost positive consists of the Taco Bell late night value menu. After 2.5 minutes of getting along she decides to call her kids and it is then where she receives a call from her assistant letting her know that someone broke into her house and one of her dogs is missing. You totally know Leanne Rimes is behind this. Brandi basically then loses her sh*t for the next ten minutes, crying uncontrollably. Joyce plays the role of Penelope and tries to “one-up” Brandi letting her know that she lost a dog before too. Brandi calls her out on it immediately and then Kyle chimes in with her brilliant idea of “we’ll put up signs right away!” Great idea Kyle! I mean that would work wonders if this was the episode of the Brady Bunch where Bobby’s whiny b*tch of a friend lost her cat Pandora. For real, the fact that I just remembered the name of that cat means I need to dirt-nap myself immediately, if not sooner. Either way, Brandi is hyperventilating, locks herself in the bathroom to cry off-camera, and then decides to leave so she can go back home and find her dog. Did I mention she keeps blaming the assistant for this? Seriously that dog is probably better off in a ditch on the side of the road than with drunken Brandi taking care her. I jest. I love all animals. Just not dogs.
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