I’m not going to lie. I barely understood what this episode was about. I feel like the producers drank an entire bottle of bourbon and then just started piecing scenes and ideas together. I want to meet the person who was in the pitch meeting and was like, “So we’ll air, like, 35 minutes of the women running through Beverly Hills on a scavenger hunt…and everyone will love it.” I figured it would be a cool scene to watch but, no joke, after 20 minutes of this I suddenly came-to and was like, what the hell am I actually watching? Middle-aged women were chugging milkshakes, running into oncoming traffic and trying to pick a lock…all whilst in full hair and makeup. At one point Camille Grammer Donatello Michelangelo Mutant Ninja Turtle exited a vehicle and just started filming. She’s like, “F it. What the hell else am I doing?” All the while Kim was cranky and complaining about her knees hurting the whole time. I mean, if anyone would ever have the right to complain about aching knees my money would have been on Brandi. Because of the blow jobs. Was that not clear? Sometimes I’m not sure how much to spell out.
I couldn’t care much for any of this scavenger hunt or the misplaced excitement that the “referees” had the entire time. And what was with all the rules? If you open too many incorrect jars of candy you get 10 minutes added to your time. What time? Time for what? Like, of the episode? Or Teresa Guidice’s sentence? Please be more clear. What I did love, however, is that Eileen. Has. Had. A. F***ing. ‘Nuff. Of. Kim. For real. I know I gave Eileen shiz at the beginning of the season for not dressing like she was on television and updating her house, but I really do like her. I don’t think she thinks she’s better than Kim but I kinda think she thinks she’s better than Kim. And I’m ok with that. Plus, I love the drinking game I started with myself where I take a shot every time Eileen’s one-on-one interview consists of her in that lace green fitted shirt in which she may or may not be wearing a bra. It’s almost like one of those ice-skating outfits. I assume if she stands up she’s in a full white skate.
At the end of all of the shenanigans in which someone won first place and, let’s just assume, a $1 million dollar grand prize, Yolanda surprises everyone with a trip to Holland. Or Amsterdam. Are those the same place? Which one is on Mars? I need an atlas and a xylophone. You know what never happens to me? My friends NEVER surprise me with a trip to anywhere. Ever. In the history of ever. They surprise me with things like: flaking out on the bill, and unwanted pregnancies and, in some cases, rickets. But I love them nonetheless. Everyone is excited to go to Amsterdam because you can…wait for it….smoke pot legally! It’s like, grow up ladies we all knew that in 4th grade. Nevertheless everyone is pumped and I’m pretty sure I saw Kim foaming at the mouth and dry humping a bottle of hooch. Even Lisa Vanderpump was getting in on the excitement by letting us know the last time she smoked pot she ended up “spread eagle on a pool table laughing her arse off.” I’m sorry, what? She must have meant “dropped acid” instead of smoking pot because pot doesn’t make you a whore. Well, maybe a whore for food, but not like a regular whore. Brandi did a good impression of what Lisa would be like smoking pot, but I envision Lisa smoking a rose colored marijuana cigarette that released babies breath every time she exhaled.
Later some of the women head to Calgary on their way to Holland because David Foster was having some charity event where Baby Face and Steven Tyler would sing something that Bravo couldn’t afford the rights to. So we all missed it. But we didn’t miss the fight that Kim and Lisa Rinna had on the plane on the way over about Kim’s sobriety. Nothing made Kim look more guilty than lashing out on Lisa mid-air. If Kim yelled at me like that in front of everyone I would have pulled out a stand of her fried hair and drug tested it on the spot. Then I would have cut off about 47 inches of Kyle’s hair because it’s unsanitary. I kinda want to end the recap there.
After David Foster and his creepy aura raised over $8M for his charity everyone heads off to Holland and Kim starts yelling at Kyle for some dumb joke she made when Kim was trying to get off the conveyor belt at the airport and everyone crashed into each other like clowns getting out of a car. Now I don’t want to say I want to see Kim off the wagon, but I feel like things are going to take a turn for the worse next week…especially with that scene where Kim says something about Lisa Rinna’s husband and Lisa freaks the F out. Bring it!
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