I’m starting to think that not only is Carlton hiding a penis on us, but she’s also hiding the fact that she’s slowly turning into the new Kim Richards. Don’t get me wrong, I’m ready for Andy Cohen do give her the boot but at least for now we can make penis jokes all the live-long day. It’s finally the moment we’ve all be faux-waiting for. I, of course, am talking about Carlton’s pool party. I hope there are Plan B pills and tetanus shots in those Hustler gift bags because my crotch area began to itch just watching this party take place. I did, however, enjoy the fact that Carlton basically told her kids they’re not allowed to attend the party because mommy is planning on really slutting it up. As a sidenote, how Jersey is her husband? I’m waiting for him to be indited on bank fraud like all the others.
It’s always fun watching Carlton parade around her house in a bikini as I’ve always wanted to see what it looked like when crispy bacon swam. She’s downing shots right off the bat and making sure everyone knows she’s a sexy witch. Yawn. Props definitely go to Yolanda (Yo-laaaand-uh) for sporting an American flag one piece that is…wait for it…wait for it…age appropriate and tasteful, all whilst patriotic. Not for nothing, but Carlton was talking about this party like it was going to rival something at the Playboy mansion. I’m pretty sure 25 people were there and 10 of them looked like underage prostitots swinging around a stripper pole and waiting for daddy to come and play incest with them. Oh, and just in case you were wondering that was technically Carlton sticking her tongue out in between her two fingers and not casting and actual spell. That will come later.
Overall the pool party seemed like quite the snooze, even with all the painted bodies jumping into the pool with bottles of champagne when the director yelled “action!” The only thing missing, as you know, was Sunny D. Of course there was a fight when Kyle thought that Carlton’s tattoo was the Jewish star and Carlton reacted like she said Nazi’s are the new black. Anyway, you know what wasn’t a snooze? That’s right…Kim Richards at her “celebrity autograph signing convention” or CASC as no one calls it. First off, something like this actually exists outside of a Trekkie convention? And second of all, there were actual “fans” there from her early work. Now now don’t get me wrong, if I had to wager a simple classy bet I would assume that most of the “fans” are also Level II sex offenders who live in their parents basement. I’m joking! Of course they live in trailers. There were other “stars” there too like…are you ready…Marilyn McCoo! Solid GOLD! Turn up my life with muuuuusic!
Kim was so happy that her fans were there from her early work in some show that I think was called something like “Larry is My Daddy.” I have no clue. All I do know is that Kim is really loving her fame and is clearly getting her validation from 1970’s 1 season television shows. I would have assumed Cindy Brady would have been there, but no dice. There was an obese bald woman who made some form of life-like baby monkey and asked Kim to hold it, which she did and make “scary Witch Mountain” faces for the camera (most likely a disposable one). However what really took the cake was the poor mother-daughter combo who told Kim that she changed their lives and then they presented her with their great-grandmothers turtle pin since, you know, she likes turtles. It’s nice to know that people like this actually exist and I swear to God if they’re both not single I’m going to dirt nap myself by sundown.
Another blast from the past was some dude named Jimmy McNicol who I assumed was just who Kristy McNichol turned into after going crazy lez, but then Googled him and realized he’s the brother of Kristy. Either way it’s like playing 6 Degrees of Dryfus. Jimmy was a teen idol who may or may not be hiding behind a dead face, but Kim still squealed with delight when he came over to hug her. She then told some insane story of how he grabbed her ass in high school and she would just yell “roar!” I have no clue what she was talking about, but I’m hopeful this is signaling she’s back on the sauce. I jest. If I ever run into Kim I, too, want to present her with a turtle of some king..even if it’s the one that appears when I’m about to take a mean Shasta McNasty (or Shasta McNichol).
While all of this is going on, Kyle is heading to the set of Days of Our Lives to film her cameo and show the people of daytime that even a woman in her 40’s can have hair down past her ass. I’m pretty sure that was the point of being on the show. We all get it. Kyle’s an “actress” and she never pushed her kids into the industry, you know, just like that time she didn’t push her 13 year old daughter to walk the runway at her store fashion show. So, you know, not like that. I have to admit Kyle did a really good job with her lines and seemed really natural. I’ll be looking back at old episodes of ER she claims she was on. I assume that she played the role of the woman who got sick from her hair being too long and getting stuck in the crack of her ass. Yep, I just Google’d it and that was her role. Sidenote, Deidra Hall looked like she was going to “catch poverty” simply by speaking to Kyle from the doorway of her dressing room and I’m pretty sure she can…so way to play it safe Deidra!
In the end, Yolanda has everyone over to her house to paint pictures for Gigi’s NYC apartment and basically the C-team rolls up. No one else came and Lisa canceled two minutes before she was there. Luckily Yolanda go to take out her anger on the hundreds of thousands of lemons she was cutting up in her kitchen. Of course, Carlton shows up hungover and her penis was throwing up (allegedly). Since she’s really trying to force a storyline, Carlton spends her time there talking about Carlton possibly talking about her. Mind you she thinks this only because of a dream she had. It was nice to see Joyce defend Kyle. See? I can say nice things about Joyce. The conversation turned towards Carlton casting spells on people and Joyce said she doesn’t believe it because she believes in God and He’ll protect her. By the time the episode ended, Joyce is saying that Carlton put a spell on her husband and he was up all nigh violently sick. So, yeah, we’ve officially gone from Days of Our Lives to Passions.