RHOBH Recap: Real Housewives of the Stranger at the Pentagon

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Is it wrong to say that even though Kim may be on a substance…or off a substance…or even under a substance…she still looks good. In fact, I’d wager a bet to say that this is the best she’s looked since this pesky little show started.  Apparently Bravo is shelling out brush money these days.  Good for her.  Regardless, Kim and Kyle are still fighting at Kyle’s gay mixer (which must have be a huge success because there were over 10 people there….half of which was the cast of RHOBH) about giving up secrets and who hurt who and blah.  All I know is that at one point Kyle pointed at Kim with her man-handed-middle-fingers and said “F YOU!” to her.  Was the lighting off in that scene or was it just me?  What I’m getting at is that it looked like fried chicken fighting.  I was wishing Yolanda was there to squeeze her freshly picked lemons all over Kim’s chest while saying, “Yes, my love!”  In other news, I’d like to see if I can rent space in Yolanda’s refrigerator, as it is thrice the size of my NYC apartment.

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When the fight is going on, Brandi is off the side making her standard weird lips face like she’s put too much Big League Chew in her mouth and Eileen and Lisa Rinna are off to the side half-listening and half trying to figure out if they should get involved and trash things up.  Finally, Kim and Brandi leave and Kyle is left crying and telling the rest of her party guests (whom all fit around one table) that she’s sorry for the outburst.  She kept trying to blot her face with a napkin, but I found myself saying, “That’s what your 4 foot long hair is for, Kyle!”  I assume her hair would have stuck to her face and she could have turned into a modern day Cousin It.  Sidenote, it was nice seeing The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnik last week for 2.2 seconds.  She should have spread eagle and shouted out, “#TBT!”

Everyone throughout the whole episode is trying to figure out if Kim is sober or not.  I don’t need a Mr. Wizard science experiment to provide me that data.  You know she’s not sober as she has not brought up turtles or squirrels once this season.  Last year, that’s all she had to talk about.  Now she’s busy being ornery and calling Lisa Rinna “disgusting.”

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Other things take place in this episode like Brandi doing her weekly podcast where she interviews either the cast of RHOBH or total randoms off the street/Chelsea Lately.  And by “interview” I of course mean “She talks about herself the whole time, tries to compare herself to a comic, and then oddly chews her lip every time she says something that doesn’t make sense.”  But you knew that.  Also, why is no one talking about why Brandi’s fingernails grow in very odd directions.  She looks like a hooker at the end of the night dragging a mink coat up the street with one high heel on (strap broken) and the other high heel in her hand while black tears run down her face as she walks up to the unmarked cop car to see if the gentleman inside is ‘ready to party.”  So, yeah, her fingernails grow weird and look like they’re about to fall off.  Whatever.

You know what story-line I’m not interested in?  Lisa’s son, Max, learning what his “heritage” is.  Seriously, stop saying “heritage.”  No one calls it that.  Plus, who cares?  Let me tell you something.  If I was adopted by one of the richest families in Beverly Hills and knew I would one day (probably soon) inherit their money I would be paying lawyers to make sure who ever my real mom was would NEVER find me.  And to make things worse we’re forced to dodge and weave our head around whenever Pandora comes on the screen as we try to catch a glimpse of her face behind that forest of a hairdo.  It’s like, pull that hair back and let that mangled underbite bask in the sunlight!  I jest, I like her.  And in case you’re wondering, Max found out his “heritage.”  He’s Scandinavian and Irish.  He was like, “But I don’t look Irish!”  I mean, he filmed this scene wreaking of booze (even Lisa said it) and his teeth look like he chews on rocks for sport.  He couldn’t be any more Irish if he shit potatoes.   I barely know what that means.

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But for me, the best part of the entire episode was when Eileen brought Lisa Vanderpump, Kyle and Lisa Rinna to the Burbank International Film Festival where her movie, Stranger at the Pentagon, was being screened.  They all made fun of the Burbank film festival, as no one has ever heard of it, but I was figuring Eileen’s movie couldn’t have been that bad.  Um, and then we saw it.  She was sporting a nude unitard and stood next to a 1960’s astronaut in front of a green-screen with a planet superimposed.  I’m sorry, what?  This is, potentially, the best thing my eyes have ever seen in the entire time my eyes have been seeing things.  I’m not joking, it was like that scene from Friends when Joey was that mad scientist who was  going to outer space.  Only this was worse because it was missing a laugh track.  And here’s the kicker…during the episode Eileen Davidson Tweeted that Stranger at the Pentagon won first place!  Imagine that?  Who knew?!  Let’s all just imagine for a second what came in last?  I can only assume it was a short film about what would have happened if Baby Jessica was never rescued from that well and fell all the way to God-damn China.  Actually, that would be a pretty good movie concept so I might as well just make it and enter myself into the festival.

Later Eileen tries to bring Kim and Kyle together for lunch so that Eileen could tell them that her sister died about 4 minutes before they started filming and that life was precious.  But, oh hell no, the Richards sisters would use this to cry and talk at high-pitched levels and display their man hands and fried chicken chests to the camera.  Eileen’s heart was in the right place at least.

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By the end, Lisa Rinna had lunch with Brandi so they could discuss what the F was up with Kim and Brandi seems to think she’s just “using the pain patch.”  I’m sorry I have no idea what that is.  Does she mean, like, Salonpas?  Can you get addicted to that junk?  Brandi also dropped a little hint that Kim may be on more than that and somehow they both hatch a plan to have a group intervention in which a therapist basically tells all of them they need help…but then they’ll kinda wink at Kim so she knows what’s up.  Seems solid.

 

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