Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: You Are. A God-Damn B*tch.

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I’ve pretty much only been watching Real Housewives of Beverly Hills this season just to hear Kim call Brandi two things:

1.  A God-damn b*tch
2.  A slut-pig

We’ve only achieved one of these things tonight.  Oh, and I’m also a complete tool so I also watch this season because of that.  After we get through the formalities of Pandora getting engaged we can fast way the hell forward to Dana’s most random game night party at her compound.  I’m not sure why Dana is always wearing short shorts with her “gentlemen greeter” whistling in the wind but, alas, she does.  I’m also not sure why the top of her head typically looks like Polygamist Sect Wives hairdo but, alas, it does.  I’m also not sure why her face looks different in every scene that she’s in but, alas, it does.  Me gusta “alas.”

Everyone needs to hurry up and get to Dana’s so they can play games and drink large amounts of alcohol all whilst trying to not look at the camera (Kyle).  It must be tough.  Dana is a huge party planner so it only made sense that she really “themed it up” for her party.  She had edible dominoes on the dessert table and, literally, stickers on the floor that said game-related phrases.  No wonder she’s so rich.  She’s brilliant!  Brandi and Kyle are the first to arrive and pretty much just sit there in silence not saying a word to each other.  Brandi is still on crutches so she’s a little slow…because of the crutches…not because of anything that could potentially be wrong with her brain.  Nope.  Brandi is decked out in white short shorts and I’m almost certain she’s in the process of catching a cold because I actually think I can see her vag sneezing.  She should try to put one of those “Breathe Right” strips over it.

Dana is making sure to tell anyone and everyone who will listen that she’s wearing Valentino from head to (camel) toe.  She also name drops her shoes a couple of times.  I can’t wait until we’re reading about the Chapter 11 and potential jail time for tax fraud and embezzlement that we’re most likely to hear one day (or so my Magic 8 Ball is leading me to believe).  Taylor shows up alone because Russell is…uh…in purgatory.  I’m kidding.  He’s in hell.  Oh this was filmed before dirt nap city?  Ah.  Well then he must have had work to do and couldn’t make the game night.  As everyone waits for all the guests to arrive they all just awkwardly sit in a giant room without a lot of furniture in it and chairs that are all in a random row and look around.  Camille’s side pony-tail is pulled so tight that her eyes are crossing.  Safe.  Sadly Adrienne can’t make it but you know who can make it?  Kim.  The noise you hear in the background of my mind are that of angels singing Hallelujah.

Kim is her typical hot mess.  She, as always, looks like crispy chicken and has her makeup smudged all over her face.  Once again she’s claiming that she didn’t have time to do her makeup at her house, so she’s had to do it in the car (where she will eventually most likely live).  She also says hello to the host, Dana, by calling her Pam (most likely her dealers name) and enters the house like a tornado.  Within minutes Kim is high-tailing it into the bathroom and Kyle is right behind her to help her with her “makeup.”  For this point forward let’s just assume “makeup” is codeword for “meth intake.”  Kim is busy trying to clean Dana’s bathroom mirror and is loudly complaining how dirty it is.  Apparently Kim must have plans to then take the mirror off the wall, once clean, and begin to snort lines off of it.  Uh, and by lines I’m talking about the ones that you use to draw the body, arms, and legs of the guy for Hangman.  It is game night after all.  Anyonedayatatime, Kyle is busy caking on the makeup for Kim all whilst Kim is saying that she’s having a panic attack and hasn’t eaten or slept at all in seven days. She also says she can’t see and she can’t hear people.  Maybe it’s because she keeps putting her hands over her ears when she says she can’t hear people?  That’s normal.  What’s even better, however, is how I finally realize that Kim brought her own McDonald’s Mocha Iced Frappacino with her.  No really, she did.  Later she asks the bartender to please put it in a nice glass for her.  I’m not going to lie, I don’t do drugs but Kim is really making a great case for it.

Oh, you know who’s crazy too?  Dana.  For real.  She is way up Kim and Kyle’s bums and has practically invited herself to Camille’s Hawaiian beach house about 3 times.  Creeptastic!  After Kim heads back and forth to the bathroom 15 different times, it’s time to start playing the games.  Fun.  Please say that again but with a sarcastic undertone.  Ready?  Fun.  They break the into teams 2 teams and Kim and Kyle get stuck with Brandi on their team.  I hope Brandi doesn’t know they don’t want her on their team but I’m pretty sure that them saying they don’t like Brandi and don’t want her on their team was “accidentally”  heard by Brandi…but only because they said it out loud and Brandi is sitting one couch cushion away from them.  Rust dumpsters.  Now I’m sure that Brandi is a real garbage bag but she actually hasn’t done anything mean to them at all and they’re just being big b*tches to her.  The games are a real treat because they have to get their team to guess what celebrity is on their card.  Kim and Kyle basically just play with each other because all they keep saying is, “I used to date him in the 90’s” or “I was in my last movie with him.”  If I were Brandi I would have just consistently kept yelling out loud, “What is, Witch Mountain?”  And then I would have raised my leg with the black cast on it and farted…over and over again.

In order to break things up a bit, Kim heads back to the bathroom a few more dozen times.  Brandi ends up asking Camille about it and Camille just looks into the camera uncomfortably and then kind of shrugs it off.  Here’s why I kinda like Brandi.  I like her because she’s willing to call things out on camera about what’s happening during filming when no one else will.  That, mixed with Kim’s McDonald’s Frappacino and clearly ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it!  In the end the game takes a real turn for the worse when the category is titled IQ and Kyle jumps up and calls Brandi out to go first.  Brandi says the typical white girl comeback which is, of course, “Bring it on, b*tch” but maybe she’s just mad because she hears everyone talking about her and, plus, Kim hid her crutches so that can’t be helping things either.  From Brandi’s comment a fight ensues, but somehow Brandi ends up calling herself a slut…which is an odd fighting tactic but, hey, I like it.  She then calls out Kim for being in the bathroom all night and being wasted on something and that’s when Kim and Kyle both jump up, start pointing at Brandi, and then Kim calls Brandi a “God-damn b*tch!”  Drink!  Drink! Drink!  The sad part is that this fight started at about 2 minutes before the crapisode ended so we’re all on the hook for next week where Kim will be calling Brandi a “slut-pig.”  So, well, tune in because I will and again I’m a real loser.  So that’s how that works.

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