Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: Slut Pigs are Pretty Much the Best Kind of Pigs

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Since there never really seems to be any rhyme or reason to these episodes, I’ve decided to just toss out the 8 random things I think are worth discussing on last nights crapisode of Real Housewives of Beaverly Latkes.  Let’s go!

A Slut Pig is a Slut Pig is a Slut Pig – I once knew a slut who was a pig, but oddly enough I never quite knew a pig that was a slut.  Perhaps I just don’t know enough pigs.  I’m kidding.  I do.  The fight between Brandi and The Menedez Brothers the Hilton Sisters is continuing at the worst game night that ever went down in the history of game nights.  And, I mean, there were some pretty bad game nights in Nazi Germany back in the day and, well, this one was way worse.  Brandi won’t calm down over Kyle reprimanding her for allowing her 3 year old son to whip out his baby junk and pee on the grass at the United States of Maloof.  What’s the big deal?  I can count the number of times on 12 of my hands when I pee’d in public.  If God didn’t want you to relieve yourself in public I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t have invented us with pants that come down.  Duh.  Anydrinkmorewaterwhenyourpeeisdarkyellow, after Brandi claims that Kim was in the bathroom 15 times doing crystal meth, Kim jumps back up and calls Brandi a “slut-pig.”  Hooray!  Seconds later Brandi slaps Kim’s hand away from her and Kim goes to hit Brandi back but poor decrepit Taylor is in the middle and gets swatted at by her.  I mean, is there a day when Taylor isn’t getting hit?  I guess, now probably.  Anyway, Taylor plays it really cool and starts freaking the F out and yelling that no one is going to hit anyone at this glorious game night.  Um, unless maybe if one of the games was Blackjack because then, well, you’d have to say “hit me again.”  Hmm, I wonder which episode Camille calls Taylor out for “playing blackjack” with Russell?  #WatchWhatHappens

What the Christ Vacation is Dana Talking About? – Dana is a freak and I have to say, I kinda like it…on opposites day!  This Natalie Green wannabe will stop at nothing to be friends with these chicks and isn’t afraid to bring up multiple vacation opportunities to different people throughout the night.  First it was with Camille and Hawaii and next thing you know she’s bring it up to Kim and Kyle and trying to sell the idea as a “healthy getaway.”  So you’re suggesting that Kim doesn’t bring her Bag-o-Meth?  What’s the point of going.  Well, you can go just don’t bother telling Bravo to film it.  Even Kyle seemed freaked out a bit by having no idea what in the holy hell Dana was talking about.  How many times has she been in the bathroom tonight?

I Love When Adrienne Has to Walk Over to Villa del Vanderpump – It always makes me “LOL” as “the kids” in a 90’s AOL chatroom used to say every time we have to watch Adrienne walk from her front door aaaallll the way over to Lisa’s mansion that’s just across the street.  She should be forced to wear a number pinned to her shirt and we should be able to track her progress via  GPS chip that’s placed in her shoe.  She should also be forced to eat a giant pasta meal the night before for obvious carb-loading reasons and then people should be passing her tiny Dixie cups of water as she makes her trip across the street.  Then, in typical Uta Pipig fashion she should sh*t her pants and get her period once she arrives at Lisa’s front door.  Either way, I like it.  Ba da ba ba ba…

Even Though Kim Explained It, I Still Don’t Follow the “You Stole My House” Debate – I’m still not sure what Kim is talking about with that whole “Kyle stole my house” situation from last season.  From what I can get my mind around, Kim and Kyle’s mom left that house to 3 of her kids and Kim sold her portion to Kyle for $20,000 and then later wanted it back but Kyle said she couldn’t.  Yeah, you don’t follow it either?  All I do know is that Kim’s one on one interviews are more entertaining than anything else because as you watch her it’s fun to play “Uppers or Downers?” while she tries “logically” answer questions.  I mean, she shakes the whole time like she just got gang-raped on Witch Mountain but that’s another joke for another time.

Taylor Can’t Gain Weight Because She Only Drinks Double Shots of Coffee for Lunch – What was up with the “lunch date” between Brandi and Taylor?  Brandi ordered 17 different things on the menu for lunch and Taylor just got a double shot of coffee…which she probably uses as a “natural enema” so that Russell can’t get anywhere near her naughty bits.  She should have at least ordered some food in front of the cameras and then puked it up once she went home.  It’s called manners.  And class.

The Wedding Planner – If you ever wanted to know what would have happened if Mr. Miagi got his way and started a relationship with Daniel-son, well, wonder no more.  Enter “Kevin Lee” the wedding planner.  Face full of makeup?  Check.  Too tight suit?  Check.  Brushed out wet perm with partial mullet?  Of course.  Sophia Loren tinted glasses?  Dynamite!  I actually had no idea what he was, what he was saying, or what he was trying to sell.  All I do know is that Pandora wants to have a simple wedding, Lisa wants a traditional English wedding (bad food eaten by people with equally bad teeth?), and the wedding planner wants to build a church in their backyard and spend $1 million on the reception.  So this all makes sense.  The wedding planner hates every idea that they come up with and just keeps telling them “no” to all their requests.  Yet, for reasons that I can’t understand, Lisa decides to hire him and plan this bedazzled wedding dream from the fiery pits of hell.  I hope they shoot Jiggy out of a cannon.  Or just shoot him.  Whatever costs more.  And don’t try to pretend that you don’t have this “guys” voice on a loop in your head all the live-long-day saying, “Beverly Hills, darling.  Chi, chi, chi, chi, chi!”  No really, this is Bobby Trendy’s dad right?

A Shout-Out to My Friend, Traci – …because each week she’s sure to text me yelling about Kyle not cutting her hair, yelling about Kyle being too old to have another baby, and yelling about Kyle’s hair being too long to have another baby.  Bravo, Traci, bravo!

All the Speeches Made Me Sweat – Camille is being honored for her cancer charity work and so everyone gases up their charming personalities to attend the event.  Of course, Kyle and Lisa sit two seats away from Brandi (at the same table) and make fun of her the whole time.  I think they keep forgetting that Brandi’s leg is broken and not her eyes and ears.  I have to admit Lisa did try to talk to Brandi by asking her where she lived and then when she heard the answer immediately stopped the Q&A session.  I’m pretty sure Lisa thinks she can “catch poor” just by hearing the word “Mulholland.”  We basically ends things with some random lady standing at the podium trying to give a speech but she gets so nervous that she can’t read the words…or not say, “I’m nervous.  I’m so nervous.” over and over again.  Next up Camille is forced to “read” her speech but has a hard time with the words that she wrote on the paper that she brought with her.  Per usual, my secondhand embarrassment hit “tilt” and I was grateful this sh*tshow was wrapping up.

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