Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap: Kyle Stole Kim’s House and Kim Stole My Heart

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If I was in charge of a Wheel of Fortune puzzle my “before and after” would be: Money Can’t Buy You Class is Now In Session.  Besides that, it’s the season finale of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.  Here are the top 9 things that are worth discussing with your friends, local priest, mailman, and parole officer.  However, let’s start with a little re-write of the opening credits, you know, for sport.

  • Money is what I have…and it’s also 99% of who I am.
  • I was a child star, but now my most important role is being a mother still the leading role in Witch Mountain.
  • In a town full of homies, I’m not afraid to eat meat
  • It’s time for me to come out of my husbands bank account and starting ho’in

9.  Does Kelsey Know We Know Camille Knows? – The limo ride to the Tony Awards with Camille, Kelsey, and cast of randoms is as awkward as walking past a mom grabbing her kid under the arm and dragging them from the parking lot into the supermarket (or supermercado for me Spanish speaking readers…ole!).  Camille, in her “sluts wear red” dress and Kelsey are still kind of pretending that they’re in love even though we already know what’s going on.  However, Camille is kind of baiting him (not master) into saying that “he’s already won” even if he doesn’t win a Tony (Micelli) Award because he has Camille in his life.  Does he win twice since he also has a mistress on the side?  I have 4 words for you.  Garbage.  Can.

8.  Kyle Bringing Pieces of Her Dead Mom to a Psychic Just Makes Sense – When all else fails and you’ve spent as much money as you can on clothes and brushes for your hair that falls down the side of your shoulder, you might as well get a psychic and bring your dead moms ashes and a lock of her hair in a plastic ziplock bag to said psychic and see what she has to say.  That’s the method Kyle has.  And, the psychic is really good.  Spot on, in fact.  For example, she said that Kyle’s dead mom is “coming through” and asking her if she is having an issue of some type with another female about something…and at some point.  Wow, I have chills.

7.  Lisa Will Never Be Caroline Manzo – For some reason whilst at a random lunch, Lisa is giving advice to Taylor about the fight between Camille and Kyle that Kim sparked up again in NYC.  Actually, I couldn’t follow it then, I can’t follow it now and, not for nothing, but how could they still be talking about this ri-dickity-donculous fight that was never captured on…wait for it…wait for it…camera because, you know, they’re filming a wait for it…wait for it…television show.  Had this been “The Hills” the producers would have made them re-create the fight and would have done it with a candle-lit table and a Kelly Clarkson song playing in the background.  Sidenote, I can’t believe all this is going on and Lauren isn’t here!

6.  Witch Mountain Ruins Your Sense of Style – Kim claims she doesn’t know how to put on make-up or dress because she filmed Witch Mountain when she was younger and her sisters didn’t film as many versions of Witch Mountain as she did.  At the same time, Kim’s makeup artist looks like he surpassed a Level 3 and moved right up to a Level 4, which means he has to not only introduce himself (by law) to all his neighbors but also introduce himself to himself every morning when he brushes his teeth in the mirror.

5.  If Your Doorman Doesn’t Know You, Are You Still Alive? – We learn that whilst in NYC Camille when to her apartment (that Kelsey won’t let her in) and the doorman also wouldn’t let her in because he didn’t think she was “Mrs. Grammer.”  Apparently she had to show her ID to prove she was who she said she was and was completely humiliated by this action.  If I were her I would have been like, “I’m Lilith, bitch! Now let me in before I call Norm, Cliff, Carla, Sam, and Diane to come and knock the God-damn door down.”

4.  Kim’s a Drunk!  Pass It On!  – At Taylor’s horrifically boring birthday party that Russell (Level III) threw for her, Kim is getting sloppy right off the bat and, you know what, I love it.  I typically like anyone who gets sloppy as it make me feel better about myself and, at the end of the day, isn’t that really what it’s all about anyway?  When asked the simplest of questions drunken Kim over exaggerates her simple answers.  Example: (Martin) Hi Kim would you like a drink?  (Kim) “Whaaaaaa (head shaking, body trembling, eyes bugging out) nooo thank you.  No!”  I mean take it down a notch Kim.  She might as well have screamed “rape” at the top of her lungs.

3.  Taylor Ruins Her Own Party – Taylor decides now is a good time to bring up the fight in NYC…Kim’s slurring so it’s a perfect time for me to listen to a fight right now that I couldn’t care less about.  Per usual, the details of the fight are still blurry, as is Kim’s vision, and she ends up blurting out that she doesn’t go to lunch with any of them (ruh?!) and that she doesn’t enjoy any of their company.  When Kyle asks if she’s referring to her as well they start pointing their man-hands in each others faces and saying white girl phrases like “no you better watch YOUR step.”  Luckily Adrienne joined this little fight and was standing in the background shimmering from the tinsel in her hair under the moon-lit sky.  If it wasn’t for Adrienne’s money she would officially be DeShawn Snow status for me right now.

2.  What Has Kyle Been Through? – Kyle keeps telling Adrienne that she’s been “through so much, so much.”  But what could she be talking about?  I assumed the most she’s been through is extra long hair appointments when it was time to hot-glue-gun multiple horse tails to her scalp.  Hmm I’ll have to look into this more (and by “look into this more” I, of course, mean “forgot I ever wondered about it”).

1.  Trying to Stand Up and Walk Inside a Limo Only Makes You Look Like You Have a Fat Ass – After the “fight” ends at the party it moves into the limo where different people are taking joy rides around the neighborhood with Kim who is making little to no sense.  Finally the crazy-car picks up Kyle and the fighting really hits tilt on the “Bat-Shit-Crazy-o-Meter” where both Kim and Kyle start telling tales out of school and dropping bombs left and right.  Kim accuses Kyle of stealing her house (how is that possible?  maybe she said “sold my house?”) and then Kyle calls Kim and alcoholic and she should get help.  Get help?  No thank you, please.  Finally Kim just got interesting to me.  To be honest her drinking makes her prettier, funnier, more out-going, friendlier, and an overall better joke teller.  Why would she ever want to quit the sauce?  In the end Kyle gets out of the limo and lets Kim know she is officially done helping her with anything and that she is cut off.  In the very very very end we learn that Kim’s family checked her into rehab, but Kim checked herself out after 1 week.  Uh, Jesus Claus?  Um, if you’re reading this right now and in the process of answering pointless prayers, could you please get Kim on an episode of Intervention?  It would really make my 2011.  Thank you.

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