What can I say about last night crapisode of Real Housewives of Beaver-ly Hills? Oh, and see what I did there by calling it “Beaver-ly? Get it? Beaver? I know, right? Anywonkyeyedcast, I had every intention of recapping the absolute W-4 and I-9 out of this episode (for once) and once I sat down to do it, uh, nothing really happened where a play-by-play was needed. Sure Adrienne Maloof’s uncle suddenly died, but do you think I’m really going to toss in a Weekend at Bernie’s joke at a time like this? Hell no. Especially since I’m literally banking on the fact that she’s reading these recaps, will fall in love with me, and then fly me out to the Palms for the weekend just to be nice. I, of course, will accept her invitation and will have a sit-down-grown-up talk with her about why there is a need for a grown woman to have long hair extensions and sparkle-glitter-strands of weave that shine when the light hits her hair in just the right way. Anyway, these are things I would talk to her about. Moving on.
Also of note last night was Kyle and Lisa getting hypnotized so that Kyle wouldn’t be an attention-seeking-whore when it came time to fly. Everyone loves Kyle, but I can’t get that Hilton vibe off of her and it’s like I’m watching Paris in 30 years and, well, if Paris Hilton is still on television in 30 years and, even worse, I’m still writing about this junk please someone slap a 5150 on me and ship me out to Promises Rehab. Oh, and I’d like the top bunk in the Lohan suite.
However, the main insanity of last nights show was Camille. Where to begin? First off, she’s moved her family out to NYC to be with Kelsey, who is only episodes away from publicly divorcing her ass. She’s moved her children, herself, her wonky eye, and her staff into their New York City apartment which is right near the Empire Hotel so “a-stalking-I-will-go!” Camille is having a hard time living in an apartment so small because apparently 3,500 sq feet is just to “confining” for her to live in for upwards of a year. Yes, she actually said that. Hey Camille, over here. No, over here. No, here. No, push your eye to the left. Yes, here. Um, I live in NYC and I’m not too far from where you live. Do you want to know how many of my apartments I could fit into your 3,500 sq foot apartment? 7. Literally. 7. I could take the apartment I live in, make 6 more and then fit them all into your 1 apartment. And I upgraded to a nicer apartment! You are a terrible, horrible woman and will, of course, be Satan’s #1 mistress in the near future.
It wasn’t really until the last 10 minutes of this mess that it actually started to get “Housewives Good” which means, in my mind, “trashy” and “with fighting.” The whole “made up” issue of Camille claiming that Kyle said to her in the past that “no one is interested in you without Kelsey” keeps on coming up. Funny how that was never filmed, but Camille totally thinks it happened. Apparently it started by Kyle asking Camille where she was going for Spring break (do actual adults still call it that and/or go on Spring Break?) and then if Kelsey was going with her. Camille felt “interrogated” and then claims Kyle ended it by saying that no one would be interested in her without Kelsey there.
Here’s the thing. I actually don’t like Kyle. I know. I don’t. I own it. Everyone likes her. Just not me. But I still actually believe her that she never said that to Camille. I mean, it doesn’t even make sense that she would say it based on the “conversation” Camille claims they had. If she asked her if Kelsey was going on vacation to Hawaii with her and Camille answered “no” it doesn’t even fit into the conversation that “no one would be interested in her without Kelsey.” Right? Like, who wouldn’t be interested? The people of Hawaii? Huh? Therefore I believe Kyle and, well, I dislike myself strongly for even trying to analyze it.
So, in the end, once they’re all in NYC Kyle pulls Camille aside to straighten out their tension and Kyle swears to God (God is totally thinking, “Don’t bring me into this you dumb bitches!” God can say that because he made them.) that she never said that to Camille and Camille swears that Kyle did say it. However, they do decide to bury that hatchet and Kyle lets Camille know that everyone likes her, but Camille claims that she feels like an outsider with the “girls” because she is so painfully shy. Kyle reassures her that she’s wonderful (puke) and not to be insecure and shy with them. They hug, exit the room, everyone is happy, and they decide to meet down in the hotel for a drink a few minutes later….
That’s when the crazy continues to roll on. Camille has flipped a switch (mentally) and is now all pissed off that Kyle said that she was insecure. And then it goes back to the whole, “Kyle said no one is interested in you without Kelsey” dead horse. Kyle was, once again, right by telling Camille that she needs to see a therapist and get on some meds because she’s crazy. That’s when it hit me. She really is.
Camille claims she doesn’t drink, but she never claimed not to be enough tranquilizers and coke to stop a charging albino bull. It’s all making sense now. Most importantly, however, is how come Camille only has two wrinkles directly below her hairline? No joke, it’s like a sheet of ice but then crazy wrinkles at the very top of her forehead. It’s like she’s wearing a mask and it’s starting to slide off in the heat.
The show ends with Camille talking about how she “won the fight” because she kept her cool and Kyle didn’t and that the person who is “in control” is the one who “wins” the fight. Really Camille? Really? Over here, Camille. I’m over here. Here. A little more left. Yes, here. You are bat-sh*t crazy and may have just become my favorite cast member this season. Lisa Pumpernickel is going to have to step up her game. Although I did like when she was checking in to Virgin Airlines and the lady behind the check-in counter asked her is she’s ever flown Virgin before and Lisa says, “Oh yes, hundreds of times. I’m personal friends with Richard (Branson).” I mean, brilliant.
Well that’s all folks. It will all continue next week! So, if you enjoyed this recap feel free to click on the “recommend” button that I’ve placed all over this b*tch and share it with your Facebook friends. It’s a good way for me to learn which shows you are digging the best and what I should keep recapping and what I should stop recapping. It’s like Nielsen ratings for a ghetto site like this!